Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Okay, one more thing.

I haven’t been eating enough — I know logically I’m not fat but actually my self control is normal-instinct level at this point (thank goodness) (you can’t just become anorexic when you want to, I have learned; instinct takes over and you find yourself looking for snacks with very little ability to control it). It’s actually because I wanted a baked potato the other day, and as I poked into it I remembered the one in the lab that was definitely reacting to being peeled (obviously I couldn’t tell without equipment) and man am I a freak. Couldn’t eat after that.

Same with a dinner I made the other night. Cut into an onion, saw that it had been planning an escape, so to speak. Grew a leaf that was carefully protected, was preparing to make roots later. And I killed it, and it was probably still trying to figure it’s way out to survival.

I know it’s ridiculous and I must eat to live. I can’t just grow leaves and be an autotroph. But I was able to eat a bag of animal crackers because nothing had to be killed by me, I guess?

I have no idea why my brain is this messed up about it though. At some point it will have to get over it, because I can’t just sacrifice my life for the lives of organisms I regularly consume. That’s a distortion. It has to be.

The other day I was filming ants cutting organs out of a beetle (it’s relevant to something I’m working on) — big black ones, not the typical predatory kind, but — well, ants are ants. All fine and interesting and even cute occasionally (saying hi to each other, making sure they knew each other). Two ants most of the time, telling other ants they were fine and could get this beetle on their own. Except then the beetle tried to get up. And turned himself over and tried to walk away. Very weakly. Not certain he knew what was happening (pain in beetles and flies are pretty much nonexistent, so major injuries go unnoticed — you’ll even see them (either sex) trying to mate sometimes). I was pretty... weirded out? I know it’s normal so I’m trying not to think about it. It’s not the same thing as someone getting run over by a semi. That beetle was not as aware as the human was. Except I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse...?

I also have a wasp right now. I have had several around in the past, usually they leave on their own. Service dog doesn’t appreciate me being friendly with them. I am allergic (who isn’t, though, to some degree?) but I’m careful enough. I’ve been in all kinds of situations with wasps, and was only stung once (and it was totally not my fault). Last one I had watched Netflix with me (yes, seriously, probably because I was eating marshmallows and sharing).

This one is dying though and nothing I do can help. I gave her cheese, coconut oil, olive oil, dog kibble, garlic salt (thought she’d like the parsley bits), aphids (doesn’t take long to find those, and wasps LOVE them), and water. She was eating it all fine but still getting slower and slower. She was hanging out with the orchid (it’s been doing much better since the traumatized plant passed away — long story) but not much else. Reminded me of the dying praying mantis I had found right at the start of winter last year — clearly someone’s released pet, with the way she acted (definitely female). She kept picking up crickets I gave her and taking them to the orchid for some reason. Flying across the room to do so, holding them so gently they weren’t even scratched.

The wasp has stopped breathing today several times, so I doubt she’ll make it through the night. I tried wasp-CPR — basically pushing against her bum until she breathes again — but her exoskeleton is so thick. And she has stopped trying to eat, so I suppose she’s ready. I didn’t want to put her in the freezer just in case she pulls through, but I doubt she’ll be alive in the morning either way. Which is sad but most wasps don’t live long, compared to us. Her friends are out there eating aphids, though.

And I got a text from a wildlife official saying a pigeon I saved is alive and well and may be adopted soon (probably not put back into the wild, this time). Good timing, very helpful.

I really love wasps. And they have better facial recognition than I do, lol. And clean my garden of aphids and such.

Apologies for all the updates, I’m slowly processing the weekend. I was sort of dead through it.

Wasp is having a good final meal though. Trying to. She likes kibble.

Throwback to that snail who had a broken shell and ate my dog’s food. Hermaphrodite laid eggs the day after she slowed her dick. I released those eggs ASAP, don’t want a million snails in my space. No offense, snails but you are slimy and smell like snail, just all the time <3

 

[littleoc]

Here is a wasp named Skittle who obviously loved aphids and also marshmallows. That’s her standing up asking for a marshmallow. She was great, let me touch/pat her head and everything. Did not like her wings touched much but those are pretty thin, probably shouldn’t trust a large mammal around those

 

[Freida]

before I forget --- how about frozen food? It's already dead so you wouldn't be killing it.....???

and damn girl! I read your diary and ALWAYS wonder how you came out such a compassionate, empathic, loving person. I get that the pedophile (love that you are claiming that title for him) groomed you to feel feelings for him. But that you could go through all that, at such a young age, and still be the kind and wonderful person you are today? wow.

someday I want you to see you like I see you......:):hug:

 

[ninja]

She looks so curious. :geek:
Hugs @littleoc

 

[ILoveLife]

I know it’s ridiculous and I must eat to live

I have this too.

Was watching a video yesterday of a tree propelling it's seeds, and decided to stop eating again. Was screaming around the house "look at this, look at this, it's intelligent as f*ck" like I had just realised it for the first time... all over again.

I have a recurrent conversation with a vegetarian friend, I keep telling him if he could hear his lettuce screams he wouldn't eat it eat it.
I feel I can hear them in other ways. The smell and the fact that they exist prove me that they're alive. All other behaviors are just further proof that I shouldn't eat.

So, either we're both looneys or we're onto something. :confused:

 

[somerandomguy]

That wasp is cute! I like wasps too. My family thinks I'm crazy.

litteoc, you have to eat. Remember that you are an animal. Most animals don't care about eating other things. We just have these big brains that make everything more difficult sometimes.

 

[littleoc]

Quick notes before I reply to others:

(1) I’ve figured out why I’m uncomfortable with people liking me. First, I’m not expecting it. I just assume I’m unlikable — it’s even my reflexively-say-out-loud thought (tic?) besides “shh” whenever an uncomfortable memory flashes up, “Everybody hates you.” I don’t believe it, but it’s somehow giving myself permission to ignore the memory. And it’s a reflex thought I say quietly out loud, so quietly the service dog doesn’t always hear it the first time. Especially if I’m in the shower. But I dont feel completely unlovable anymore, not since Brandi and I stopped talking.

Second, I’ve realized that I assume I’m manipulating people. Probably because of believing I was manipulating Brandi, and also because of the Firstly thought^ that says I’m unlikable, which is seeming more doubtful. At the very least, my mom and dog seem to like me. But if someone acts like they trust me, I am immediately uncomfortable. I feel like I’m being handed some kind of power, and that I could hurt them if I went crazy or wasn’t careful. Like, my friend F today. He was so sad that I made food for us both and he had made plans, that he quickly made more food, left me an offering at my door, and then sent me a few messages showing how guilty he feels. I felt so responsible for making sure he knew I wasn’t offended at all. Because I feel like the alternative was making him feel terrible, and controlling him. But it’s a lose-lose, because being understanding to him still makes me worry that I’m manipulating him. And then I question why I’m being so conscious in how I treat him.

He has PTSD too. So maybe I am worried about him and confusing my genuine feelings with manipulation? But I’m trying to comfort myself by pointing out that I would never want to add to his troubles. I’d always want him to feel appreciated. He’s gone out of his way to help me before

I still worry I’ll end up like my dad, using emotions to manipulate and show fake kindness to get victims. But I literally can’t kill a potato, so I doubt I can be TOO harmful... I let a fly outside today... no alternative moves even crossed my mind. And I can’t manipulate a potato into trusting me (lol, can you imagine my potato army? Because I just did)

It does not help that that one member on this site basically did just this. But I am not a bad person and I don’t wish harm on anyone. If I do I’ll know I’m more like my dad and I’ll fix it ASAP.

(2) I’ve also noticed that I still feel a bit like I’ll never have another friend as good as Brandi. She was very special to me. I didn’t care that she treated me like shit because I really cared about her and felt like I could tell her anything. Though, sometimes I felt forced/obligated to. But all along she was pitying me for being gross and garbage and unlovable, and I just believed it for some reason.

Sometimes I see things I know she’d like and grieve that I won’t show her. Or that if I meet her again, I would feel totally comfortable in her presence, confident even, but she would feel tense and stressed and angry. I know she doesn’t get over things. But, maybe she’ll learn to one day. But I still never want to be her friend ever again. Never. Confusing feeling right there.

Unless I come out of the maladaptive daydreaming. Then Fungus or something mindset seems to show extra confusion and grief. Like she still needs my help. But that has been fading.

And I could practice talking to real friends more if I wanted. It probably wasn’t normal to be willing to talk to Brandi while my brain was literally giving out. My friends dont seem to like it when I suddenly sit down and stare and can’t respond anymore.

Brandi used to get furious when this happened. She said I was ignoring her, like her mom. She hates her mother. Literally talked about killing her, with Jamie, in front of me. One of the few times I actually drew a line, a real boundary. And remembered that Jamie has a thing for killing baby animals and using them to control others. I try to forget that usually. Bad thoughts there.

Brain shutting down has happened quite a bit this week. Suddenly slowing way down, into slow motion, so time seems to get both slow and fast. Too much sound will do it in a heartbeat, or too many people whispering, if the atmosphere is overwhelming emotionally. I was told it was synesthesia but I think it could be multiple things. You know, like PTSD. Certainly lowers my overwhelming-threshold. Probably last weekend didn’t help. I do need time to rest, even if I don’t seem to need daily naps anymore. (Although occasionally I do.)

(3) This is going to sound absolutely insane, which I why I haven’t mentioned it, but I can measure how well my brain is doing some mornings based on two things. One being how tired my dog is, and where she is (on my chest? Better stay home an extra hour, because you can bet I won’t recognize my surroundings once my vision clears up... this was a huge problem in Iceland. Terrifying).

The other thing is a thought that I’m glad I’m aware is a distortion... sort of don’t want to share it because it sounds crazy, but if I won’t tell a therapist, maybe I should put it somewhere. If I wake up and start to feel like my identify is not only false, but that I am being protected with an assigned identity change from someone or something very dangerous, I know that I am overwhelmed. I told exactly one doctor about this, and was told about the guy with impostor syndrome. Sometimes accidentally putting myshirt on backwards is enough to trigger those worries. It took me five years to agree to wear my glasses (it was starting to hurt) because I couldn’t figure out my reflection.

But several doctors have told me that the facial blindness might be trauma-induced, not genetic/womb-environmental. So they think they can fix stuff like this, though I haven’t mentioned this. As far as I know, my injuries were too mild to ever explain this properly anyway... which makes me feel weird.
One thing I do is question what dangerous thing or person is after me for me to change my identity. I usually can’t think of anything, which snaps me out of it. It’s never been enough to become a full-on paranoid delusion/psychosis, thankfully.

But the reason I’m bringing it up is because since I brought up that pedophile memory, it’s coming up again. And I couldn’t remember the entire memory so now it’s nagging at me that I’m forgetting something incredibly important about it. And remembering it partially wrong. And when I try to think of it, I get a horrible feeling of being hit on the top of my head with a metal bat.

(Edit to add: when I recalled that today, I got a bloody nose. Likely a coincidence, though. I’ve had my dehumidifier on, so that could have done it.)

I do remember hiding a metal bat, but that was when my brother was using it to destroy objects. He never hurt me. That I’m certain of.

When I fell down the stairs in December 2016, I was bleeding horribly out the top of my head. By the time I got help from my friends L and A, I was apparently acting off and telling them I couldn’t put on my hat because it would remind me of someone. A called his mom, an actually-certified nurse, and L stepped out because he was afraid too many men in my space was making me confused about where and when I was. But that must not have been true, because I refused the ambulance/ER in favor of walking through the cold in the darkness with them.

But it makes me think of pedophile’s brother’s following me in a dark blue truck while I walked, and then I remembered something weird that is likely not true. Or, not honest, is a better phrase. Whenever I went to family gatherings with Brandi, her family would act suspicious of me and talked in hushed voices. I thought they were odd. It happens. But once K somehow went to prison for secret reasons, and when he came out, there was another family thing. He and several others in the family told me their last name was Irish but there was Italian and he said stuff about the mafia. Said I better be good to Brandi, or he could guarantee I’d have people after me. I assumed at the time it was nothing to worry about. Because honestly it was probably just them trying to feel important. But it weirds me out how secretive they were about it, and something about his dead grandmother they laughed about, ashes thumping in the trunk?

Probably largely fictional, but I wonder if it’s making my mind a tad paranoid?

Brandi’s family was way too in need to have connections like that. I think they just wanted to feel important. They didn’t even have bread sometimes. Because they also talked about something else... not the Illuminati. But something similar to it, that had “Knights” or something in the name. Clearly not real.

 

[littleoc]

Also, I’ll reply when I’m less exhausted. But I did read the replies :)

And I did manage a full meal today @Freida — frozen spinach :) :) and Mac n cheese. The boxed kind, easy to make when it’s hard to focus. Though I did drop the entire package of powder cheese stuff into the boiling pot, but it was foil covered. Kid proofed :P added chopped hotdog for protein. Ate a gummy multivite. Ate some coconut oil with my doggo. I feel a bit better since eating properly

 

[littleoc]

Actually, no: it makes sense that what Brandi’s uncle K would worry me right now. Even if he and the other family were lying. At the time, it wasn’t a scary threat because I belonged to Brandi. I was still slave-like. (Long story, doesn’t matter here.) But now it might be a real threat, as far as my brain cares. So naturally... with my brain practically looking for reasons why I might be in hiding (even though I am not — it’s just my brain trying to explain gaps), it’s not too weird it would pull that up.

But it’s unlikely anything would happen. Nothing has yet. And more, K is not well. He needs help. And harassed Brandi also. His kids are looked at with high suspicion — possibly willing to murder Brandi to compete for their grandparents’ love.

Jesus, am I glad to be out of that family.

 

[littleoc]

(4) Forgot to mention how extremely uncomfortable a videogame I was playing became when my female character and male in-game friend kissed. Apparently it’s a romance now. Probably makes me uncomfortable because I’m glittery gay, but I felt uncomfortable for a while after, several days. Not sure why. But I have time to figure it out I guess.

 

[mumstheword]

Lovely littleoc, I do get the feeling weird about people being nice to you and liking you.
I can't help it though! You are extremely likable to me!

I, both love reading you, and feel heartbroken for what you have lived through. You are an exceptionally compassionate human person and I love you for it.

I'm really, really, really glad you are making an effort to eat! I wish i had more energy to go into the plant consciousness thing with you, right now, because this is one the areas that I feel like I have some personal knowledge and experience in, but I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one.

I just want you to know that you are someone that plants want to nourish and that they love you, like lots of us here love you.
You have a brilliant consciousness and are a very precious person to so many here; I feel very confident asserting this, I just know that is true.
Also, you write so so well! Thank you for being you and sharing yourself with us in the way that you do!

I cried a bit, the way you wrote about the pedophile, you care you have (had) for him as a real person. I cried because humanizing my pedophile cuts me up. Admitting I care about him hurts. Actually I've been with more than one and it's so confusing and hard to truly care about them and to have to come to terms with that. Loving messed-up people is really courageous and often exceedingly painful, at least that's my 2 cents.

It scares me when I get in touch with that heart feeling and humanizing people who do stuff like that.
I have a lot of shame for my experience of myself being like that and what I've internalized from others, as well as how it feels to be someone who's been sexual with and who has cared about (in my case more than one) pedophile(s). It sounds like yours wasn't really a psychopath, but he was obviously a very damaged, tragic man. One of mine wasn't either and I still have feelings of care for him as a person, he did the right thing by me, not like my kid's dad, who is much more of a narcy sociopath, but not like your dad, a different kind of very covert sociopath.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you that I know you to be very loving and kind, but I also know that that doesn't make life easy and it can be quite confusing, troubling and conflicting, so I'm just saying, I'm here.

I can't help loving you! You are too lovable!

I guess we are both just going to have to get used to being loved and get comfortable in learning who is a safe person to trust and allow them to love us.

Loving others can feel really scary, unsafe and shame-filled though, so I'm glad you are figuring out who is safe to open up to and who you need to protect yourself from, to be loving to your (beautiful to me) self.

 

[Swift]

You are amazing.
My ex-gf ripped me off like hell because I saw a teddy bear left on the street and burst into tears. Like, I hardly ever do that, just.. emotional about something. She wouldn't let me pick it up. That upset me way more than I thought possible. I felt stupid, but, okay with that. Roundabout way of saying, empathy is difficult, and empathising with non-human things is easier for me

Having been sexually abused by my ex gf,

I saw you post this, that's the least self-blamey I've ever seen you be, and I was like shit yeah! I'm glad you're acknowledging it.
I'm obviously not glad it happened, but I'm glad you're putting the blame where it belongs.
Keep on keeping on.
Reading along.