Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

came back to say i made another character. am pretty tired -- might eat. looking forward to a cardiology appointment tomorrow and maybe a little party with friends. (non-alcoholic as always, lots of respect for those trying to stay sober.)

i feel i've helped a lot of people today, and that boosted my mood quite a bit :)

 

[Movingforward10]

I am also grocery shopping and just wanna say. when did all the frozen pizzas start looking so gross??? did i age or what

Agree with this and was thinking this the other day!

i feel i've helped a lot of people today, and that boosted my mood quite a bit :)

That's a lovely feeling.

 

[littleoc]

Gonna buy myself my own pizza oven :P

I was able to shower and that also helped. It had been two days, which made my skin too uncomfortable. I have been listening to Wendigoon discuss Dante's Paradiso and Purgatorio. It is shockingly relaxing.

 

[littleoc]

People be delusional lol

Edit to add: talking about my mother. No offense to her. But she is delusional about her living situation and it’s killing me

 

[littleoc]

Like, when you get to the point that it’s actual feces in your room and you’re just like. Well yeah I can live by myself. :/

And if you don’t agree to live with me and take care of me while I refuse to work with you in any way, then claim you’ll “make” my little brother stay here in this hellhole instead. Like are you kidding me

And also, not Worried worried about it yet, obviously. But there is some worry about my medications on project 2025.




But anyway.

Gonna go hang out with a friend and visit the cardiologist today

 

[littleoc]

One of my therapists called it weaponized boundaries. Thought the idea was interesting at least

Humans are interesting

 

[littleoc]

My little brother continues to be.... weird? about our mom. he felt like i was trying to kick our mother out of the house.

i feel he may be coming at this from a perspective of... like, i went through entire journeys, basically, in this diary (and elsewhere) about how to fix the house for my mom, years and years of trying and failing and realizing she was being toxic and therefore I was just by cooperating, etc., and then he comes out of living basically a whole thing states away and just sees this issue and is starting at the very, very beginning. where he thinks he has solutions that all revolve around interventions and being emotionally level, etc.

and at this point it almost feels invalidating. because he just cant seem to picture that we genuinely have tried it all. hell, i took my mom to my therapist back in the day even. we have truly done everything.

im not saying the things i say in real life from a place of hatred. i like to get that out of my system before i talk to people. our mother does not.

its just strange, a very strange feeling. he is a year younger than me, but in a totally different boat at the moment. Just got out of an abusive relationship with an ex who is still actively trying to ruin his life, despite telling everyone already that she has been trying to change. etc.

I don't know. Feels tough to have truly, finally, FINALLY, come to the conclusion that yes, my mother can't take care of herself. Yes, she'll be angry about that but there's clearly nothing I can do without falling into another abusive relationship, basically. And then have someone come in and try to give advice like, "well, have you tried talking to her?" ...yes?

 

[Ecdysis]

Service doggy, or doggy plain I guess, throwing up a lot today. Nothing left in her system. Gave her her liver and gallbladder meds early to try to help. She took them happily and is watching me closely and eagerly for signs of her Dino chicken nuggets being ready, so I think that’s helped a lot.

Not a lot spooks her, thankfully. But she’s does say the small reminders of her life being close to over aren’t exactly easy to get through.

Vets gave her around a year or less, and claim she’s one borrowed time. I just keep telling them “me, too — so anyway, about her symptoms” lol. They mean well, but they ain’t never seen a dog this old doing so well. She’s outlived one of the main vets there. Rip Dr. R.

She is 93 in dog years. I wonder if I’ll age like her. She looks more like 60-70, still loving to run and play. Wants to be stuffed with extra calories daily. I wonder if ill be asking for 100 nuggets when I’m already full at 90+, if I make it that long

I'm in exactly the same situation with my service dog... I could've written that word for word... It's hard, isnt it...

 

[littleoc]

I'm in exactly the same situation with my service dog... I could've written that word for word... It's hard, isnt it...

There's nothing more amazing than the blessing of knowing a doggy so well, especially when they do so much for us Lots of love to you and yours, sorry you're going through this too :(

 

[Ecdysis]

to your pooch too!

 

[littleoc]

I am finding that im having to discount how many stressors I am experiencing in a week, or even in just a day, because if I don't I risk becoming too overwhelmed.

it is a wonder that I am functioning under these stresses. I wish I could move. It is too stressful to even tell this diary what happened, just at the cardiologist office.

it's no wonder my mind keeps telling me it doesn't want to exist. existence has been one conflict after another -- where just waking up is an issue, not to mention trying to get something to eat when the kitchen is constantly being re-filled with trash.

yet, i ultimately continue to feel trapped. i am cycling through the same three possibilities of how to get out of this environment and nothing is working. the worst mistake of my life was losing that house in southern tennessee. i should have lost everything and tried living as a homeless person instead of dealing with the pressure of my mom trying to make me move back in. or rather, expect me to.

it's funny that when my sister almost lost her house, my mom was full of pity and wouldn't stop talking about it. same for my little brother, though she was hoping he'd move in with us.

when i lost my house? she came to move me to her house like it had been the plan all along. i doubt she did that on purpose/consciously but. i dont know. everything is stupid.

at least roman plebs got housing. though, i hope my housing includes heat, running water, a bathroom, a kitchen, etc. plebs didnt have those. even in cities with running water.

people in nations on other continents were doing great in comparison tho ig, maybe will read about that to distract myself lol

 

[littleoc]

It is almost tempting to go to the hospital, again, just to get a case manager to help me manage some sort of living situation. But it just feels hopeless. Well, more like it doesn't matter what I do right now because the majority of people my age in this area are homeless and most humans are homeless in some sort of way. I don't know. I'm too stressed ig. I just want one plan to work. For once. I've gotten to a point where I can't even work, and I've never been this disabled before. Or this destitute. Living with my mother in the same house as all the shit that happened -- it feels like it's killing me.

And I can't think about that for too long because there's going to be some other battle later. Like a cardiologist with a memory problem who thinks I have a serious heart problem one week, and am totally fine the next. For some non-discernible reason (is that a word?)