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littleoc
MyPTSD Pro
You don’t look insane :Deven if it did sound insane look at who you were telling it :)
That makes senseStart whenever or wherever your feel would be easiest.. No need to jump straight to bad stuff. Its not a test. Use things that are just a bit upsetting...then you can build confidence in both of you....and hopefully it will be a bit less overwhelming
I admitted it to my therapist finally, maybe two months ago — and she looked kind of excited and told me that so many of my behaviors suddenly made way more sense. So I guess she’s not judging?
I don’t think you are!Again I'm sorry if you feel I'm being intrusive.
And even if you were, I could just not reply ;) Say anything you want! :D
I was going to spend the entire day thinking about that, but for some reason it made me shaky and extremely anxious, so I’m just gonna address it now.You seem pretty adamant in not calling Fungus a part. It has all the characteristics of a part, it behaves as a part even. If it's within you but you don't feel it as you, it's a part.
I figure there must be a reason you don't want to look at Fungus that way. And all the reasons possible are valid.
It feels especially wrong to me to call Fungus a part. It’s not the same as a part. I made him myself, and got trained to act the part. But also to take it very seriously, and to ban my memories from being his and vice versa. It was sort of like extreme acting? To protect Brandi? But I was very uncomfortable with it. Where now I struggle a bit to figure out who I am too. I even acted when I played myself.
Meanwhile I do have complex PTSD, and when I dissociate it’s sort of like having parts. I’m 11 and running away, or I’m 15 and stuck. I can’t remember these episodes and am told about them later. But they aren’t individual parts in a DID sense — they’re my brain glitching trying to overcome extreme stress. It only happens when I’m very stressed or overwhelmed. I have never had the urge to try to locate my little, even, because I’m just simultaneously 11, 17, and I have a developing 23-year-old me who is able to adapt and not get stuck at an age because of being unable to move on. They look like tiny seizures basically. With my brain connecting to memory in odd ways when trying to make new connections, physically.
My friend D makes comics and has comic personas of different parts of himself, though he does not have PTSD at all. He just likes thinking that way. He asked me what I thought about mine and I became really uncomfortable and told him I had only one me. Which is true, I do. I don’t view my personality as shattered.
Fungus has things he doesn’t share with me, but I know what they are, because we’re the same person. I know he’s feeling guilty because he hurt someone and he can never take it back. So now he’s obsessed with helping loved ones, but by carefully being sure not to “influence” them, which works well because it meant he wasn’t going to go in and change Brandi’s seratonin levels. Which, because he’s not technically real, he couldn’t actually do in reality. But having a trauma haunt him makes more sense. Especially because the repercussions were supposed to be effecting Brandi and other loved ones, millions of years later.
Which I’m saying to say that I don’t know the above at all. Because I can’t, because it’s his secret. I therefore can’t tell Brandi about it, but my brain can be free to make connections to complicate the story as much as possible. It’s how my brain works. And it also knows that I don’t know this information. I can’t, because I’m supposed to be playing the human who can see H for unknown and unexplained reasons (originally there were reasons, but I told Brandi that I “lied” about them when trying to tell her none of this was true, so now there are no reasons).
Does that make sense? I mean, it doesn’t, but does the way I explain it shed some light on how it’s not the same as a part?
It’s very intermingled with maladaptive daydreaming, and my brain takes it incredibly seriously. It’s a bit insane, but kind of fun?
If that makes sense?
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