Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

here's an odd thought.... are you triggered because you are out of the house? Like now that stress is o...

I have no idea!

Hm. I know I’m watching my back and making sure I’m safe. I’m also wondering if typing that is just encouraging myself... lol.

It should pass soon, whatever it is!

 

[ILoveLife]

I bet it's the move. This symptomatic period of mine is related to moving environments.
Even if the new places are better, such as mine and yours are.

Plus, you're creating some distance from your family, that is a bit overwhelming too.

Or maybe it's just the shower head ;)

 

[mumstheword]

I’m not really sure how to word exactly what it is. In that case, I think it’s slightly more of a...

That's something my ex does. Makes money out of it too. Not sure how many of his "patients" have died, I know at least one has. And no he's not at all qualified in anything, didn't even finish high school, went to jail at 17.
It's a crazy world. He's still getting away with it and my kids think he's some kind of "hero" oh the audacity of the narcissistic.

I hope he gets busted some time. Justice is long overdue in catching up with that man. I'd go after him myself if I wasn't so unwell and so sure I'd lose my brainwashed children's love for good, such is the manipulative skill and coercive sway of the narcissist.

I do know eating a heavy-on-the-vegetables diet has some preventative qualities, especially the brassica family and allums are very potent medicinal immune boosters.

I got rid of skin cancers with black salve and cysts off my ovaries (I caught them, before they went cancerous, but they were the kind that can and do) with lots of exercise, meals of broccoli and asparagus and rocket with olive oil and early nights. Oh and the fungus "Turkey Tails" which grows in your country, is getting very good results with breast cancer, but don't take my word for it, if you want an amazing Fungi expert, who knows these things, look up Paul Stamets. There is a lot of amazing medicinal fungi and he's the man who documents it.

 

[littleoc]

I installed the A/C. It’s not as stealthy as I wanted because of safety reasons... maybe no one on the walkway out will look up in the sun? I had it covered with a curtain, but the exhaust kept falling, blowing itself out of the cardboard. Which obviously also heated the room. I got it though. Using blankets, curtains, duct tape... not as pretty as I wanted. But it should make me less worried about my dog, at least.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, also I went through a full work day without requiring a nap! Very exciting!

 

[littleoc]

Ive been trying to think of what about the shower in here is scary to me.

I remember being a child and not feeling in control of water. (?) I know children who are afraid of the shower usually are okay after being allowed to control the knobs and such.

I am terrified of toilets, but on the positive side I am able to use one. Some people are disfunctional enough to be unable to. I was for a while, in my middle school years (maybe elementary?). I would go outside. I would only allow myself to pee, nothing else. Learned how to aim. I had a hut in the woods for a while.

The lack of letting myself go to the bathroom (not pee, can’t make myself say it for some reason?) must have been what’s hurt my intestines, because doctor who did biofeedback on me actually mentioned something pretty similar.

In my freshman year of college I literally hid that I ever used a bathroom from my suite mates and room mates. I walked 0.2 miles at least once a week to go to an isolated toilet — but at least it WAS a toilet

I even hate that word.

Covering my toilet at home with bluegreen carpet cover helped allieviate my fear. Thinking of doing that here, in this dorm.

I am afraid of touching bathroom floors. Excessive dirtiness, requires a shower to fix. Afraid the bathroom will flood when I shower. Something to do with the septic tank messing up when I was a young child. I remember days of having to shower with my brothers, but being just old enough for it to not feel weird or anything.

I remember my dad yelling at me for “lying” about knowing how to shower. I accidentally left the curtain on the outside of the tub. But that couldn’t have been enough to flood the bathroom, of course.

I lied to my mom about him yelling at me for that. I told her he didn’t. Why?

This shower in the dorm has no light in it. It is so small I can barely move in it. I’m claustrophobic, sometimes afraid of getting trapped, like in those cages from when we were small.

The bathroom is small. The doors don’t lock from the inside. But I can lock it in a way that prevents a person from walking in through the bathroom, which is good because my bed is RIGHT by the door (very tiny room).

Am I afraid of getting locked in? Maybe, but that doesn’t feel like the main fear. The showerhead slowly turning toward me TERRIFIED me.

I often have dreams of overflowing toilets. One nearly destroyed a dorm I was in once. Flooded pipes.

I remember my twin brother getting dunked into cold water. My dad said something about why he was doing that.

Hm. I really need to do my nightly shower. I also want to wash my hair. That will take longer than a nightly shower.

 

[Freida]

I don’t want to go home.

Then don't go. It's ok to skip it. Really. The world won't end and the family won't explode if you don't go.
For this time, in this place, you get to come first. Not forever. But for now. For now it's ok to take care of your needs first. And that might mean taking a break from the stress of home

 

[littleoc]

Then don't go. It's ok to skip it. Really. The world won't end and the family won't explode if you do...

Normally, i would totally agree because I actually do, but this time is slightly different.

My mom is my only ride to my little brother’s wedding. I could have taken only one day off work if I had a car and liscence, but you know. So I have to rely on my mom.

I’m thinking I’ll spend time cleaning my room, even if my brother’s girlfriend is there.

Will be extremely uncomfortable. I don’t know anything about her except that she’s extremely clingy (I don’t mean that as an insult) and not mature beyond an older teen level (also not an insult, she’s 20). On Facebook it was like watching two upper middle schoolers or two early high schoolers date for the first time. Not my cup of tea, but it’s my brother who has to love her. I just have to get along with her. I do that okay.

I won’t be able to get a ride to bypass being in that house.

I will think of it as a cleaning appointment.

 

[ILoveLife]

I will think of it as a cleaning appointment

lol, best outlook on life ever. If we look at our own treatment that way, things become way easier.

You've got this ;) :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I realized suddenly in my sleep that I felt guilty about Brandi for pretty much no reason. Woke me up.

She made me feel terrible daily for not fessing up that I was lying about “everything.” She’d ask for pinky promises all the time. She even begged (at least it felt like begging) that I stop “all this” now. She swore she wouldn’t go crazy, that she could handle it. She’d help me write it as a book.

I felt guilty because I didn’t stop “all this.”

But.... why didn’t she?

She could have at any time. She could have told me to f*ck off and stop lying, if she really thought I was lying. She could have walked away and moved on and left me feeling weird.

But she didn’t.

Could mean two things.

(1) She was controlling me.

(2) She actually believed it.

What Fungus gathers: She didn’t believe it. She wanted to. She felt life was boring and disappointing and she likes to hear stories about herself. That’s an interesting topic for most people, not just Brandi. But when stories didn’t fix her depression and lack of functionality, mostly her untreated BPD, she started searching for support too. And I got to tell less and less stories. It became more about damage control, being a therapist, planning her future because she was too anxious to do anything ... for more than a year.

Likely still some manipulation here. Even if unintentionally, but I know that much of it was intentional. She knew it wasn’t true. She was getting angry and controlling for exactly the reason I gave many times in this diary: she wanted me to make it true. She wanted to hope it was true. In her eyes, I not only took that away from her, but also tricked her into hoping when she was, and I quote, “lonely and sad.”

That’s why I was so convinced I had ruined her life. It was like she needed me to function. And I guess I felt similarly. It was like the worst addiction, towards the end. I was constantly feeling guilty.

But she wasn’t feeling guilty at all. If she even knew/understood my pain, which she did not, she didn’t truly see it anyway. Instead she saw her own fear of the world. I was another world. A toy. That’s why she was okay with making me do sex acts on her, when she was missing her ex from MIDDLE SCHOOL.

I think she stopped maturing, for the most part, after middle school. It’s sad but I can’t help. I tried to help so hard that I’m sitting here aware that because I can remember what only Fungus is supposed to know, something is slightly wrong. I probably had a light nightmare or something. My brain can’t glitch if I put it back to bed, though :) :P :sleep:


It wasn’t my fault. I’m just a human being. And then I was a child in weird circumstances. Very weird.

 

[littleoc]

lol, best outlook on life ever. If we look at our own treatment that way, things become way easier.

You'...

Lol, thank you

And it’s true. I try to be optimistic, and act like I had choices — because technically I do, I’m just not acting on some for strong reasons (wanting to support my brother)

 

[ILoveLife]

It wasn’t my fault. I’m just a human being. And then I was a child in weird circumstances. Very weird.

This.
:hug: