Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[LuckiLee]

Get some rest. You processed alot tonight. Good work! Be kind to yourself. You deserve it!

 

[ladee]

@littleoc, here is the thing I hope you take from what I am sharing with you. The very fact that you are searching for answers with this situation with Brandi... IS going to help you find your answers. YOUR answers, not hers, not your moms, not us, but your truth. And it is very ok to let the 'f*ck you' and the 'I hope she gets help' coexist. Life is not all or nothing, black and white, either or,

As twisted as things got,the one thing you are NOT, is evil. If she had called you a 'chair', would that have made you a chair?? OF course not !! But she was very good at what she did, She knew what words had the most power to cause you hurt and confusion and self doubt. She broke you down slowly, then knew when to really start with the emotional abuse. Tho it was going on all the way thru this.

My heart hurts for you that you have to even have this in your head and heart to have to find answers... but you will... and there is freedom waiting on you. You are an amazing young woman, who still, against so many odds, are making such great choices for your self, pushing thru. And so proud of you for sharing about it... it's like we have to talk about things until they are no longer 'things'. If that made sense...

Sending you lots of hugs... am so proud of you. As many here are so proud of you. And even tho you are having a hard time, you share in such a real and authentic way, with others... I'm pretty sure 'evil' could give a damn about others... and you do... so, there's that to add to the 'positive' list. You are going to find your answers, and it won't involve you being the evil one.

 

[ILoveLife]

That's upsetting, because it means I took advantage of her.

Not really, it doesn't. You probably knew deep down she was trouble back then. People, including us, aren't all good or bad. We can and will act according to circumstances. You reacted to what she was doing to you the way you knew how. That does not make it abusive or exploitive.

she really would care for a moment.

Probably. That doesn't take away all she did.

(But was it really my fault?)

No, honey. Not at all.

Wonderful processing here. You're doing great.
My advice is, when you're ready, to read these last 3 pages and find the black and white thinking. I think you can really move forward with some of this distortions.
I'm really proud of you :)
:hug:

 

[Freida]

Oh hunny -- you make me so proud. You are working so hard, and processing so much all at once. And you are so caring -- about your mom, your brother, even the monsters in your life.

You are learning the truth. And I get that - because the truth hurts. It's what I struggle with too. Which means you are no longer alone. You have people that understand and will support you.

So the most important part. You are NOT the bad guy in this. No way, no how. You were a child who was TAUGHT you were the bad guy. And because you were a child you didn't know any better. You didn't have a choice but to believe what people taught you. And yes, I include Brandi in that too. She may have been the same age as you but she was very, very disturbed. You were the perfect victim for her. All she had to do was build on the lies you had already learned to believe.

I keep fearing that I did this, that I abused Brandi. When I try to pull up the evidence, though, to explain to you guys what evidence my brain has, I lose the thoughts. I lose the evidence. And then I think, "What if that means I really did abuse her?"

You lose the thoughts because there is no evidence to back up your theory.
Think of it as a science experiment.

You have a hypothesis that you abused brandi
You review the evidence
You find no evidence to support the hypothesis.
You reset and retry the hypothesis
You review more evidence
You find no evidence to support the hypothesis.
In science would you create evidence so that you can prove you are right? Or would you accept the evidence for what it presents?

Your evidence presents that you were a child in a horrible situation - who was taken advantage of by multiple people, including other children.

Did she love me? I really think she did.

\
I think she did. In her horribly twisted little mind she loved you as much as she was capable of. Just like every other pedophile and domestic abuser out there. It just wasn't the love that you deserved.

No, you weren't abusive to her, she manipulated you and used you, horribly, heartlessly and cruelly.

\
This ^^^^^

 

[littleoc]

You probably knew deep down she was trouble back then.

Actually, yeah, I did. Now that you mention it. I've even written overly long posts about it. How I thought she was... ill, but I decided I liked her anyway, that we were uniquely compatible. But she was ALWAYS depressed, and so negative. I remember being confused by that because she would also say, often, to her other friends (bragging!) that my life was way, way worse than hers had been. She thought that was cool! Can you say, "detached from reality?" She viewed my life as just another story... hm.

And she acted like my optimism was forced, and I was unusual in it and therefore kind of insane. I took optimism and hope out of much of my writing and characters because she's make fun of it.

In reality? It was damn impressive that I've stayed this optimistic this whole time, so hopeful. Brandi could have learned a thing or two from me. She was so pessimistic, so certain that everything that could go wrong, would. So certain that even hoping something was true, made it false. She suffered a life of disappointment, instability, and betrayal. She viewed me saying I was Fungus as a betrayal. She told me so. She said to me, You've ruined everything I believe in.

But I didn't. I was telling stories. She told me once she could handle fictional attachments to characters, because she had a lot she loved in video games.

But while Brandi literally bragged to people who I didn't want knowing my past, she also made fun of my optimism. Called me stupid, off in the head. She kept referencing the first time she met me, how a childish behavior made her think I was definitely insane. (We were 12 or younger, so it wasn't that weird. I saw her, thought she looked depressed, and asked her how she was doing. She told me to leave her alone and respect her personal space bubble. Me, being 12, decided it would be funny to pretend to pop it, and try asking her again. I was probably trying to make her laugh? But anyway, everyone she meets, she tells that story to, to showcase what is my insanity, and how weird and off I am. But, uh, we were 12. And I was probably mentally younger, who even knows? Though adults liked me fine. They said I was mature for my age, even if I was slow. They did IQ tests on me, marked out my "mentally retarded" IEP and added, "Advanced intelligence" (whatever that even means in today's world... lol. Pretty sure you guys are smarter than I am! With more years, generally, to draw experience from and such. IQ tests are pretty misleading, they don't actually measure intelligence), which luckily did not inflate my ego, because my best friend thought they had made a mistake. Adults said I wasn't doing my homework because Bush said something about smart kids not liking easy work?)

(Brandi also thought me getting an award in American and World history was a mistake, because "the only reason you got that is because everyone in our class sucks," but maybe she was jealous?)

Also, I realized something last night, and thought of it again while typing all that^.

I think I figured out why Fungus was so obsessed over the stuff happening in the Middle East, Western Asia (Iran, in particular but not exclusively), and Northern Africa (down to Sudan). Among others, such as India (which is Asian so I guess I don't have to specify?). It's obviously related to my empathy, but at the time I was also taking several classes relating to the Arab Springs, their effects on neighboring countries, wrote the shortest thesis ever in Syrian politics (it's so complicated that actual experts couldn't help me with it much, but I tried), the effects it had in countries you wouldn't expect -- it was case study style. Really cool class, very pessimistic class, very sad.

Fungus is sort of a protector who collects loved ones. This kind of thing is important to him.

The class ran from 2pm to 4pm, technically, but class frequently ran late, ending at 4:30-5pm most days it met. Brandi would start texting Fungus, on average, at 3pm, when Jamie left for work. Sometimes she would at 2pm, sometimes at 1pm, rarely at noon, or even 10am. (Jamie did not want to work a full time job, despite how poor they were. It was a serious problem... but Brandi didn't want to work a full time job either, so...) (These job-related things were the times Jamie showed her most dangerous tendencies that were surprisingly sociopathic, such as claiming that her boss was sexually assaulting her despite him being able to prove that he was on vacation in another country that week... or claiming that things would magically get figured out even though she had no job -- she had no natural concern for paying bills, and was thousands of dollars in debt with random people for borrowing money to buy useless things anyway).

Anyway. So the class would be at 2pm, and I would be my normal littleoc self, taking notes, interrupting the professor to bring up things I noticed in the readings he gave us that he wasn't mentioning. (He loved that.) Then Fungus would get a message. And he would be completely separate from me, and act like his normal Fungus self. Then I started seeing the lessons in ways that were.. uh, weird. I would start commenting on human nature, instinct, corruption of government from a biological perspective, show intense interest in the way the minds of, for example, Mubarak worked, or others, compared to "baby" musicians like Ramy Essam who had their lives messed up and turned over while trying to help unite and create change.

I also got very interested in religion in these areas of the world, back to 7000BC.

My professor used to joke that I must be hiding spiked coffee under our meeting table (it wasn't a traditional classroom) or in the service dog's vest, because part way through every lecture I would suddenly care significantly about topics he had never even heard anyone care about before, and he was a professional historian who had visited these places and watched closely as events unfolded.

Then, the next morning when I was just littleoc, I would have trouble recalling things. Until Brandi texted Fungus again.

It seems like my brain was glitching. It was trying to focus in a classroom as littleoc, but also as Fungus. And since they were supposed to be exclusive individuals, it caused problems for me in daily functioning, to the point that my friends started to notice (even though I thought I was hiding it well). This is just another example of the confusion I was having.

As twisted as things got,the one thing you are NOT, is evil. If she had called you a 'chair', would that have made you a chair??

Good point... I am not evil, and I'm not anything but human. The rest was false.

She broke you down slowly, then knew when to really start with the emotional abuse.

She did... I didn't want to believe it, but I was the perfect target. Yet, here I was thinking she was my unfortunate target, and felt so guilty.

And so proud of you for sharing about it... it's like we have to talk about things until they are no longer 'things'. If that made sense...

Thank you... That does make sense. I keep hoping to bring it up and eventually have it all lose meaning, yet at the same time the words feel so powerful. I hate acknowledging some things as true. I'm sure you understand.

You are going to find your answers, and it won't involve you being the evil one.

I hope not. I hate worrying that I'm hurting people. I care so much about everyone (though I should probably be sure to check my boundaries occasionally)

 

[littleoc]

Which means you are no longer alone. You have people that understand and will support you.

That's really, really, really nice to hear.

You were a child who was TAUGHT you were the bad guy. And because you were a child you didn't know any better. You didn't have a choice but to believe what people taught you. And yes, I include Brandi in that too. She may have been the same age as you but she was very, very disturbed. You were the perfect victim for her. All she had to do was build on the lies you had already learned to believe.

That... makes a lot of sense. And feels more accurate.

Your evidence presents that you were a child in a horrible situation - who was taken advantage of by multiple people, including other children.

I love your experiment-style approach, I'm definitely using that. If I have no evidence, then I can't support that I abused Brandi.

I think she did. In her horribly twisted little mind she loved you as much as she was capable of. Just like every other pedophile and domestic abuser out there. It just wasn't the love that you deserved.

That's such an interesting statement. I didn't get the respect I deserved, but they all thought they loved me.

 

[littleoc]

When I was looking at those old emails, I found some from my dad, too. The moment the order of protection expired (only after a year), he started sending me emails. (He sent my mom many emails DURING the order of protection, but she didn't report him because she was afraid of her kids not being able to see him for more than a year. This frustrates me greatly, but I understand -- her mom had once forbidden her from speaking to her father, so... she was just trying to prevent us from having to go through that pain.)

The emails are all things from joke chain emails, info on nature documentaries, and occasionally funny pictures. It feels like he was trying to reconnect with me. But maybe it was so that it would be easier for my mom to take him back (which she didn't). Anyway, he could have called me. He could have asked if I wanted to stay for a weekend.

I liked the happy birthday emails, though. He remembered my birthday, so that's pretty cool.

Meanwhile he disowned my little brother for "claiming" he had sexually abused him. Instead of, you know, owning up to it, like a person who feels guilty would have. (I should know, huh? lol)

He did not wish me a happy birthday this year (although he did send me that card where he signed it with "[actual name]/Daddy"), which was fine. Though, on my graduation day, he did send me a text that read,
"Congratulations!
Have an awesome day! I love you !"

Space by the " !" was how he typed it. He types like his dead brother. Who sexually abused his kids, too. (I don't know what their mom did to them, but it must have been awful for two out of her three kids to totally lose their minds and also abuse. At least my uncle seemed to be extremely sad and tell the judge he hated himself and didn't deserve mandatory therapy, I guess. This is very confusing to me, but maybe I'm not old enough to get it -- although I hope I never understand him.)

I told my dad, "Thank you :D" instead of ignoring the text. I did not tell him I was graduating, so his step-mother and father (who paid for my education and therefore were DEFINITELY invited to my graduation) must have told him. They think it's a shame we don't talk.

My dad has not texted back since. It could be because he knows I need space. It could also be because he's a psychopath and he doesn't realize that this was odd.

He IS a psychopath. He doesn't feel guilt. I have never seen him express it. Being sad, yes, but you can be sad and still lack empathy.

Although, I saw him appear sad when his cat died. I was a child so I gifted him a fake cat to help him feel better. He kept the one my little brother gave him. Did it make him feel better? Or was he pretending?

Wouldn't it be great if my dad suddenly realized his alcoholism was destroying him, that he got treatment for that and for being a psychopath, that he didn't kill women, and wanted to get better?

I'm glad that person on this site said that my dad turning himself in would be the ultimate sign of him being well. Because I know he killed that boy's mom. I wish the police could have found evidence. Because I do think they believed me.

Yet, sometimes I'm mad at my mom even though she survived as best as she could and didn't die (which is AMAZING given the circumstances), because I guess I've normalized having a "dad" like that? I just remember him describing how to make a person suffer the maximum amount before death.

If my dad seems to be getting better, then when I'm ready, I will talk to him. I will talk to him at the visitor's table in a prison, because he should be in prison.

Then again, maybe I'm insane. Because my twin brother keeps claiming that our dad only yelled at us, only drank too much, only REALLY abused our mom (but he does hate our dad, and was the first of his kids to cut contact with him). It really troubles me, because I always fear exaggeration. It's weird.

It wouldn't benefit me AT ALL to make all this up, though, so why would I? And if I did, I could get the help I claim my dad needs, so it wouldn't be a big deal.

And I do believe my dad deserves prison. My beliefs can't be challenged the way that my past can be. I can't doubt what I know. Right? :P

Today is a better day emotionally for me than yesterday. I've been telling police, therapists, doctors, and other authorities about my dad since I was five, finally got all the support at age 13/14, so it's much easier now. Confusing, because it's weird having such a monster in my life, feels unbelievable, but whatever.

 

[ladee]

And one more thought. It would be very hard to imagine you abusing anyone or anything. Your level of caring is very deep and very real. It is apparent in your writing, in your support for others, and if finally setting some boundaries with her, in HER mind , was abuse, well, that's a lie too. Her lie...

But you keep chipping away at this,, before long you will have that 'ah ha' moment we all live for.... when you truly believe it wasn't YOU to blame, much less be accountable for abuse... you are getting feedback that you can bounce her lies off of ... it will be a memory with out all the conflicting feelings before you know it... doing a great amount of hard work on this... you are really doing awesome... So, you had one person telling you the things she did, and you have ALL of us saying it's all lies... before long, you will see it for yourself... you are way to gentle too abuse anyone... gentle hugs to you if you accept.

 

[littleoc]

And one more thought. It would be very hard to imagine you abusing anyone or anything. Your level of car...

Thank you :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I'm really hope I'm half as wise as you are one day

 

[ILoveLife]

I think you're doing great in talking this out.
This Brandi crazy person really destroyed your already frail self esteem for a while there. But you never gave up, not even while it happened, to prove her wrong. You're a fighter. Brave one too.

I do think however, Fungus is more yours than Brandi's. Given the pedophile and your father, it's fairly natural to create types of parts. I did and didn't go through half of that growing up. Other things, not that.
In dealing with parts, the brain does glitch in fact. Its really normal.

 

[Freida]

It was damn impressive that I've stayed this optimistic this whole time, so hopeful

Whooohooooo!!!! @littleoc sees the light! :):):):):):)

Because my twin brother keeps claiming that our dad only yelled at us,

This would be the brother with the head injury caused by dad beating him? Gonna suggest you not rely on his memory. It may not be......exact.

because I always fear exaggeration

Right there with ya kiddo. Every time I tell even parts of my story I KNOW someone will jump out and yell "LIAR! You are just making that up for attention"

It wouldn't benefit me AT ALL to make all this up, though, so why would I?

Same thing my Ts ask me all the time.....:):)

 

[ladee]

@littleoc, you are ALREADY wise beyond your years. That's what perseverance gets us... and you will just have to live to be an old lady .... time and experiences helps with that 'wisdom' thing !!!

Very very proud of you !!!:hug::hug: