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- #613
littleoc
VIP Member
I'll answer y'all eventually, it's just hard to form words about it.
But I did want to go ahead and add a couple things I felt were important.
(1) I realized that I went into a friendship with Brandi believing that I needed her because I was a sheltered child who didn't know social cues due to trauma (as was implied by... I guess bullies, but honestly I stopped having problems with bullies after the end of middle school -- I didn't realize it was because I was gaining respect, but hey, now I know) and was therefore a weird f*ck up. I realized that with a memory: Brandi wanted me to go home after about our fourth time meeting each other and listen to a song. I did, and it was a song about letting your true colors shine and to quit hiding secrets basically. Also one about how a singer felt buried in hurt by his lover. Both meant by Brandi to be meaningful to our growing relationship.... which looking back was creepy. But anyway, I didn't like the songs. I didn't like the singing style because frankly it was terrible. I come from a musical family and don't mean to be picky, and didn't think I was when I simply told her over email that it wasn't my type of song. Even non-musical people have preferences. I didn't mind that that was her style of music.
But she emailed back about how angry she was and how disrespectful I was being. Told me that I had hurt her feelings and was being a bad friend. I remember having a brief thought, "You didn't write that music, it's not yours to be offended about" but then I thought I realized that it was another example of me being weird and this must be why I didn't have friends.
Brandi had friends. I didn't because I was weird. Man, looking back I can see how wrong that was. I made friends behind Brandi's back but was always terrified about getting caught because she would freak and I'd have to help her cheer up after. How messed up.
(2) One of my friends is suddenly very triggering to be around and I hate that because she's a good person and she actually loves me. I know because she's gone out of her way on bad days to help me when I needed help. (Talking about taking my service dog to the vet with me when she had a paper to write.) I'm going to list what triggered me and try to find some logic.
(3) Not going to explain the backstory here for the most part because it has nothing to do with healing, and please please don't bring up politics (and also don't mention if you know what state I'm in), but I was talking with the senator who's about to change his path to be a Congressman or something else of that caliber -- who therefore feels like a generally powerful person (which is the only reason I'm mentioning his position in society, it's effecting my comfort levels) -- and he was listening very intently to me. Which is a good thing, he was listening to the voice of reason and science. Problem was, he listened without interrupting me, after I had just watched him talk over someone else who I felt was more important than me. He was treating me like I mattered and like what I had to say was more important than what the other guy was saying. He put down his silverware, didn't drink, and looked me in the eyes. He took a pen out of his case and gave me a pad of paper to sketch down little things to help me explain my point and also leave him some website where some of these important issues were exposed. Then he told me I was a "smart woman" and asked me questions for a while. Then changed the subject from science I knew about after promising me to bring it up in state lawmaking stuff, to the children of immigrants being left here when their parents were deported and stuff about the President, which I said I felt was unethical but which I didn't want to comment on because I had no solutions to share and its way out of my league, to which he called me a "wise woman." He asked me before that at some point about my service dog, and after I told him about my "friend" faking having one and causing trouble for the entire community, and told me he was thankful that I taught him about the issue of fake service dogs because it was interesting and something he felt should be addressed, and then we talked about how people who don't vote aren't technically protected by the government in any way, including millennials, so he told me he "appreciated" me.
He also told me (a) that I looked lovely (but not in a creepy way), and (b) he seemed to be trying to fish where I stand politically with random comments here and there, even at one point mentioning that my grandparents are very liberal despite knowing not to discuss politics much. Said something about the kids of refugees not usually wanted to pick sides. I was aware he was republican but didn't think much of it before that. My friend's mother is a governor of a neighboring state and is republican, supported Trump publicly in order to take office but does not actually side with him in practice (or in family life). Neither does my friend's older brother, also a politician (though a corrupt one).
Yet, when senator told me how beautiful and well behaved my doggo is, I wasn't even slightly uncomfortable.
I think what was going on was trust issues. I think I view flattery as danger. He clearly needs people skills or he wouldn't be who he is and where he is, and I think the focus he gave me when I didn't feel important enough to receive it made me uncertain of my place, and like he was trying to look for things to say that would make me trust him?
I remember a therapist pointing out why I was afraid when I kept a door crackled when talking to a male professor about a year ago. The closer to friendship I got with this professor, the more distance I put between us, but I also was trying damn hard to work around it because I thought he was awesome and knew he wouldn't hurt me. (Plus he's disabled, so honestly if he tried it wouldn't work probably. But he wouldn't, he's very chill and a good person.) So, when I wanted to surprise him by unvesting my service dog and letting them actually meet, I closed the door, but I left it cracked. I started fearing that the professor would notice that and his feelings would be hurt, and I'd have to somehow explain why I didn't fear him. But the therapist told me that I'm just very self aware -- because I needed to be before. My dad would have noticed that, and would have reacted in a very, very bad way. Meanwhile, it was a perfectly reasonable accommodation for me to make. And it would have been for him too -- no professor wants there to be a chance of being accused of anything, for example. Not that he would have expected me to do such a horrible thing, but that it was simply a reasonable policy to keep if he happened to want that, and I wouldn't have felt weird accommodating that.
I couldn't really tell this man that I had felt more comfortable talking to his assistant who was my age. That kid and I are on equal footing, and I don't feel either intimidated or unsure of where I stand with him. He loves telling me hilarious stories of what senator has done for random ass callers looking for help with things like plumbing and kittens, just after he leans forward and whispers, "No one is recording this, right?" It's casual. Worst thing that ever happened was a guy asking him why he was black (assumed the senator was "too republican" to have black people driving him around or attending to important matters).
I usually feel uncomfortable when people call me a woman. But I think in this case, it was the fact that he was a man calling me a woman? No, that he was technically an overly important man (in my head, I don't claim to know what he thinks), trying to make me feel on his level/make himself on my level, pointing out that I am female. That doesn't feel right either, but it's the best I have to work with, and I can come up with ways to deal with that. I am female, and that's not a bad thing. And he wasn't meaning to point that out. He was probably trying to show me that he views me as an adult, and show me that he was taking what I had to say as seriously as he could. And show me that he liked me well enough to compliment me?
I don't understand why that has to feel dangerous. Someone on this site has already suggested that I should start a thread about my trust issues. Compliments don't mean someone is trying to wriggle themselves onto your good side with bad intentions. This man had no bad intentions. He was being a polite politician, as one must do to keep their career. He wasn't attempting to elevate me to being overly special or anything. He's not trying to get in my pants. (Otherwise he'd be risking his career, potentially. Unless he became president I guess.) His flattery was to help me like him, sure, but it wasn't evil. He seemed pretty genuine but even if he wasn't, would it matter? It wasn't the point of this. Unlike some other interactions I have had, he wasn't pointing out that I was female to distract from what science-y thing I was saying. He wasn't trying to say I was a woman to undermine me, and he wasn't letting it show up in conversation.
And him paying attention to me is a good thing. If he hadn't, I would probably have been more disturbed, not less, and about twice as many things. Because right now we're just talking about my personal issues. Not about science. He takes science pretty seriously. He did his research. He wasn't intending for me to be thinking about if how he treated me was okay later. He was trying to make me feel listened to and like he was easy to work with and talk to. Like a real politician who is also a human being.
I have a lot of stuff to work on, but I'm doing great, I think.
But I did want to go ahead and add a couple things I felt were important.
(1) I realized that I went into a friendship with Brandi believing that I needed her because I was a sheltered child who didn't know social cues due to trauma (as was implied by... I guess bullies, but honestly I stopped having problems with bullies after the end of middle school -- I didn't realize it was because I was gaining respect, but hey, now I know) and was therefore a weird f*ck up. I realized that with a memory: Brandi wanted me to go home after about our fourth time meeting each other and listen to a song. I did, and it was a song about letting your true colors shine and to quit hiding secrets basically. Also one about how a singer felt buried in hurt by his lover. Both meant by Brandi to be meaningful to our growing relationship.... which looking back was creepy. But anyway, I didn't like the songs. I didn't like the singing style because frankly it was terrible. I come from a musical family and don't mean to be picky, and didn't think I was when I simply told her over email that it wasn't my type of song. Even non-musical people have preferences. I didn't mind that that was her style of music.
But she emailed back about how angry she was and how disrespectful I was being. Told me that I had hurt her feelings and was being a bad friend. I remember having a brief thought, "You didn't write that music, it's not yours to be offended about" but then I thought I realized that it was another example of me being weird and this must be why I didn't have friends.
Brandi had friends. I didn't because I was weird. Man, looking back I can see how wrong that was. I made friends behind Brandi's back but was always terrified about getting caught because she would freak and I'd have to help her cheer up after. How messed up.
(2) One of my friends is suddenly very triggering to be around and I hate that because she's a good person and she actually loves me. I know because she's gone out of her way on bad days to help me when I needed help. (Talking about taking my service dog to the vet with me when she had a paper to write.) I'm going to list what triggered me and try to find some logic.
- She was acting grumpy, due to having a bad morning and being unable to sleep.
- That isn't an unusual behavior. I've seen a lot of grumpy people drive who terrify me, but this friend isn't like that.
- I wonder if the time she almost crashed when she didn't stop at a stop sign (months ago and I stopped her) was making me nervous.
- That isn't an unusual behavior. I've seen a lot of grumpy people drive who terrify me, but this friend isn't like that.
- She talks like Brandi.
- Lots of people talk like Brandi. She was talking with a shy, sweet, submissive voice. Very blue and purple and green and a weird red that isn't a red. But this friend isn't falsely submissive. And, the way a person's voice sounds isn't their entire personality.
- She's overweight like Brandi.
- And? Lots of people are. It literally doesn't mean anything.
- The biggest one that suddenly made it much worse: Friend wanted to leave the cookout to go up to her room. She was feeling introverted and only wanted to socialize with me. I was feeling extroverted and wanted to talk with my neighbors at the cookout who I hadn't talked to much yet, but also didn't want to have my friend eat alone in her room. She seemed to expect me to want to come upstairs as well, which makes sense, because we have't seen each other in about a month or more.
- Makes sense that that was a trigger. Brandi would actively prevent me from socializing. Even after I mentioned caring about it a f*ckton after having spent time caged and hanging out only with cats and my sister when she was home.
There was a time at Brandi's dog-abusing aunt's house that we were there specifically to swim in a salt water pool during a cookout. I was going to f*cking swim. Brandi told me I was not allowed to swim alone, and Brandi's mom told me it would be rude to swim alone. (??????) I didn't really care. No one was swimming in the pool so I felt like if I did everyone else would see it was fine and safe and not judgmental and eventually join me. Which is exactly what happened. Good reasoning for a 16-year-old, I would say.
But Brandi was pissed because she was fat and being "obligated" to go swimming and was going to be judged. I didn't hear the end of how upset she was for a full week. - I probably was triggered by the feeling of being unable to say no, of being isolated in my friend's quiet room (though it was comfortable and also what my friend was able to handle that day) while I knew that there were people and more food downstairs. But, in reality, I could leave at any time I wanted to. I didn't have to even be nice to my friend. But the reason I was was because I care about her, and since she cares about me, she was pretty happy and said she was thankful that I was hanging out with her despite wanting to talk to strangers/neighbors. In fact, she was glad I had even told her about the event because she had missed the invitation. Also also, I did end up socializing with friends only because I chose to stay for longer. Because her roommate arrived and I have been missing that friend and she's really awesome.
- Makes sense that that was a trigger. Brandi would actively prevent me from socializing. Even after I mentioned caring about it a f*ckton after having spent time caged and hanging out only with cats and my sister when she was home.
- The friend took off her shirt, in order to quickly check a shirt size and cut off some extra fabric. I joked that out of the corner of my eyes, it had looked like she had done it angrily like she was going to start a fight. She is a theater person (Brandi had this ambition, but not enough motivation to actually do it) and likes to sudden-act. She went towards me in a fighting posture while shirtless. Flashback ensured.
- I'm actually impressed with myself because no one seemed to notice that I had had a flashback. However, I really need to talk to this friend about this. This is actually not the first time this has happened. And the last time was actually worse because she pushed me towards her bed (playfully) but it terrified me for obvious reasons. I am afraid of making her feel bad but... she'd feel worse if I full on dissociated or something.
(3) Not going to explain the backstory here for the most part because it has nothing to do with healing, and please please don't bring up politics (and also don't mention if you know what state I'm in), but I was talking with the senator who's about to change his path to be a Congressman or something else of that caliber -- who therefore feels like a generally powerful person (which is the only reason I'm mentioning his position in society, it's effecting my comfort levels) -- and he was listening very intently to me. Which is a good thing, he was listening to the voice of reason and science. Problem was, he listened without interrupting me, after I had just watched him talk over someone else who I felt was more important than me. He was treating me like I mattered and like what I had to say was more important than what the other guy was saying. He put down his silverware, didn't drink, and looked me in the eyes. He took a pen out of his case and gave me a pad of paper to sketch down little things to help me explain my point and also leave him some website where some of these important issues were exposed. Then he told me I was a "smart woman" and asked me questions for a while. Then changed the subject from science I knew about after promising me to bring it up in state lawmaking stuff, to the children of immigrants being left here when their parents were deported and stuff about the President, which I said I felt was unethical but which I didn't want to comment on because I had no solutions to share and its way out of my league, to which he called me a "wise woman." He asked me before that at some point about my service dog, and after I told him about my "friend" faking having one and causing trouble for the entire community, and told me he was thankful that I taught him about the issue of fake service dogs because it was interesting and something he felt should be addressed, and then we talked about how people who don't vote aren't technically protected by the government in any way, including millennials, so he told me he "appreciated" me.
He also told me (a) that I looked lovely (but not in a creepy way), and (b) he seemed to be trying to fish where I stand politically with random comments here and there, even at one point mentioning that my grandparents are very liberal despite knowing not to discuss politics much. Said something about the kids of refugees not usually wanted to pick sides. I was aware he was republican but didn't think much of it before that. My friend's mother is a governor of a neighboring state and is republican, supported Trump publicly in order to take office but does not actually side with him in practice (or in family life). Neither does my friend's older brother, also a politician (though a corrupt one).
Yet, when senator told me how beautiful and well behaved my doggo is, I wasn't even slightly uncomfortable.
I think what was going on was trust issues. I think I view flattery as danger. He clearly needs people skills or he wouldn't be who he is and where he is, and I think the focus he gave me when I didn't feel important enough to receive it made me uncertain of my place, and like he was trying to look for things to say that would make me trust him?
I remember a therapist pointing out why I was afraid when I kept a door crackled when talking to a male professor about a year ago. The closer to friendship I got with this professor, the more distance I put between us, but I also was trying damn hard to work around it because I thought he was awesome and knew he wouldn't hurt me. (Plus he's disabled, so honestly if he tried it wouldn't work probably. But he wouldn't, he's very chill and a good person.) So, when I wanted to surprise him by unvesting my service dog and letting them actually meet, I closed the door, but I left it cracked. I started fearing that the professor would notice that and his feelings would be hurt, and I'd have to somehow explain why I didn't fear him. But the therapist told me that I'm just very self aware -- because I needed to be before. My dad would have noticed that, and would have reacted in a very, very bad way. Meanwhile, it was a perfectly reasonable accommodation for me to make. And it would have been for him too -- no professor wants there to be a chance of being accused of anything, for example. Not that he would have expected me to do such a horrible thing, but that it was simply a reasonable policy to keep if he happened to want that, and I wouldn't have felt weird accommodating that.
I couldn't really tell this man that I had felt more comfortable talking to his assistant who was my age. That kid and I are on equal footing, and I don't feel either intimidated or unsure of where I stand with him. He loves telling me hilarious stories of what senator has done for random ass callers looking for help with things like plumbing and kittens, just after he leans forward and whispers, "No one is recording this, right?" It's casual. Worst thing that ever happened was a guy asking him why he was black (assumed the senator was "too republican" to have black people driving him around or attending to important matters).
I usually feel uncomfortable when people call me a woman. But I think in this case, it was the fact that he was a man calling me a woman? No, that he was technically an overly important man (in my head, I don't claim to know what he thinks), trying to make me feel on his level/make himself on my level, pointing out that I am female. That doesn't feel right either, but it's the best I have to work with, and I can come up with ways to deal with that. I am female, and that's not a bad thing. And he wasn't meaning to point that out. He was probably trying to show me that he views me as an adult, and show me that he was taking what I had to say as seriously as he could. And show me that he liked me well enough to compliment me?
I don't understand why that has to feel dangerous. Someone on this site has already suggested that I should start a thread about my trust issues. Compliments don't mean someone is trying to wriggle themselves onto your good side with bad intentions. This man had no bad intentions. He was being a polite politician, as one must do to keep their career. He wasn't attempting to elevate me to being overly special or anything. He's not trying to get in my pants. (Otherwise he'd be risking his career, potentially. Unless he became president I guess.) His flattery was to help me like him, sure, but it wasn't evil. He seemed pretty genuine but even if he wasn't, would it matter? It wasn't the point of this. Unlike some other interactions I have had, he wasn't pointing out that I was female to distract from what science-y thing I was saying. He wasn't trying to say I was a woman to undermine me, and he wasn't letting it show up in conversation.
And him paying attention to me is a good thing. If he hadn't, I would probably have been more disturbed, not less, and about twice as many things. Because right now we're just talking about my personal issues. Not about science. He takes science pretty seriously. He did his research. He wasn't intending for me to be thinking about if how he treated me was okay later. He was trying to make me feel listened to and like he was easy to work with and talk to. Like a real politician who is also a human being.
I have a lot of stuff to work on, but I'm doing great, I think.
