Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Still Standing]

Check it ooooout

@littleoc, you make me smile. :) Only you can get so thrilled out from seeing a wonderful catepillar, in such a delightful way!! Thanks for sharing. He is pretty cool for a catepillar! ?

 

[littleoc]

@Still Standing I’m glad you like him!! I have no idea what species he is yet, but I’ll know by tomorrow! :D

Also, I built a shelf just now:

 

[littleoc]

He’s a Oligocentria lignicolor moth caterpillar :)

Also known as a white streaked prominent moth

 

[littleoc]

Getting a bit overwhelmed today. Memories with this house.

 

[Freida]

Getting a bit overwhelmed today. Memories with this house.

Here with you......

 

[littleoc]

I know it’s just a distortion, but I keep having thoughts that my mom isn’t my real mom. Not exactly that she’s an imposter, just that it’s not real. I’m really ashamed to admit this. Being at home is so distressing. I miss that cat. I also don’t want to move again, not for a few months at least. So I should schedule something with a therapist as quickly as possible before this gets any worse.

 

[littleoc]

Except I also don’t want to admit this to my therapist because she’ll put me into her cabinet of cool cases. And make it seem too real. Talking makes it too real.

Ugh. Stupid brain. How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time? I guess that’s why Nestle is a cuddle bug today. I need to get to the pharmacy. I haven’t had my medications in a while, I need to go get them. My mom won’t wake up.

One time in high school she wouldn’t respond to anything. I didn’t call an ambulance because I was afraid of getting in trouble. I treated it myself. Clearly high or low blood sugar. I’d handled her heart attack too. I did all kinds of things only professionals can do. That’s why half the house is always too hot or cold. I didn’t know how to safely install insulation.

 

[littleoc]

Hm. I seem to be getting a little weird all of a sudden. I need to get my license so I can go to the gym when this happens.

I should copy Dean B’s behavior when he gave me driving lessons. He scheduled a day and time and then texted me to meet him, expecting to drive immediately.

My mom did no such thing. Clearly I should just be very assertive. I don’t know why I’m so against her directing me. It feels like I’m not supposed to be getting motherly advice from her. And I can’t even allude to it, because she’ll demand I tell her.

 

[littleoc]

I guess this is from adjusting to this horrible house instead of being able to go on hikes, bike rides, the gym, to the lab, or to the library. I need to find alternatives.

I could bike in the road. Not on the highway right now, but the road.

I wish the Greenway or the Library was in walking distance. Maybe it’s in biking distance, during not-so-heavy traffic.

 

[littleoc]

Wait, today is the anniversary of that one thing.

 

[littleoc]

The weather is beautiful. I could bike around with Nestle. Or go on a hike without her.

 

[littleoc]

I hope no one I know personally ever sees this diary.