Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

No need to worry if the soy was free range

But take into account deforestation!

 

[littleoc]

Yuk.. milk ?

CAN WE TRADE TASTES


Ahh!! You’re right!

Luckily my state has soy farms!

...also my state has one of the highest rates of deforestation in the United States... :I

 

[ILoveLife]

SURE! Just don't take my bacon

 

[littleoc]

Ugh, you can have the bacon! ?

 

[ILoveLife]

I don't want to trade tastes :(

 

[littleoc]

Ah, dang it, lol

 

[littleoc]

You can have the intolerance!!

 

[ILoveLife]

Lol, noooooooooooooo

 

[Freida]

I like soy way better than milk! So while it makes ice cream complicated it's good that you found out what it was

I guess my mom wasn’t the worst because she does have books around the house called “hearing loss in your child” from when my twin went deaf after the Incident

uhmmm...OK. I'm gonna call BS. You mom allowed your twin to be put in a position where he was beaten until he went deaf. She doesn't get a pass because she bought some book. Sorry if I'm out of line and feel free to ignore -- but that just kinda riled me up

 

[littleoc]

Lol, noooooooooooooo

Why not?? You don't even like milk that much! :P

it makes ice cream complicated

Lol, true, but since ice cream is also sugary I'm supposed to avoid it anyway! I love sherbert a bunch so it's fine. :P Also the type of intolerance I have is cool because on some days I should be able to consume milk totally fine. Fast food and antibiotics turned out to be the culprit -- killed all my good bacteria. Good times. My mom quit cooking for us in high school once the house got ridiculous, and Brandi didn't like it when I cooked so I had fast food there too. Sucks, because I don't even like fast food.

Honestly I really hate how food as become a giant problem in this country. From government levels up and down to a few people who own everything and no one cares about it despite such massive corruption that OTHER countries are dying? f*ck you Eisenhower, I know what you did. I can't even eat bananas without crippling guilt because of you and your "anti-communist" regime that destroyed countries in the name of "capitalism" by which you meant actual slavery for some f*cking bananas and fruit. Those people in the modern world are eating dogs and rats right now while their president enjoys kebabs. f*ck the poor choice United States presidents always make.
</rant>

You mom allowed your twin to be put in a position where he was beaten until he went deaf.

Hm. This might be odd, considering how mad I've been at my mom all summer all of a sudden, but I actually do want to disagree here. I remember that event really vividly, and it was definitely the moment my mom realized she didn't like my dad anymore, and the moment she realized it wasn't just her hide anymore. Then she froze up like she always does, even though her kids were leaving her letters telling her to divorce our dad. (We were very bright kids, all of us could read and write before kindergarten. Our dad was unable to keep up with us in a lot of ways. Also, babysitters were always terrified of us because we'd say things she didn't understand. She left after we taught her about immortal cancer cells, lol.) (Also, the babysitter never reported abuse. She probably just thought we were weird. Or was mad after my autistic brother asked her why she was fat. (It was a legit question, we'd never seen a fat person before yet!))

Being off this medication has me in a very good mood, so sorry for weird jumps as I make jokes.

Anyway, my dad attacked and tried to kill my mom several times that night. Pretty intense night. But at the Very Start of it my twin brother, who is autistic so didn't realize things had gotten tense between my mom and my dad, was playing with a little plastic train that was yellow and red, had a caboose, and a tiny plastic yellow track, but he was using the kitchen floor as the track because it's the only smooth surface in the house. Also he was barely even two years old so he could really forget to focus on the world sometimes. And my dad was getting bigger and threatening-er (the world looked different when I was two-ish, scary people literally got bigger in my mind) and was going to attack her because he couldn't find his cigarettes and was pretty sure she hid them (she hadn't, he was just paranoid). He pushed my mom down onto a coat rack pretty suddenly, and then the coat rack fell onto my brother, and then my mom was shoved on it. The coat rack was pushed into my brother's head and my mom's weight made it a double-blow.

My mom desperately dug through the clothes until she located him, pulled him out, and was asking him if he was okay. She was scared she'd killed him, or worse. She actually totally forgot about the monster behind her for a solid two minutes. Or about her other kids.

Same thing happened when my little bro broke his femur. I'm not sure if that happened before this or after this, but it happened when my little bro was two so clearly I'm confused on the tiniest ages. But he's basically our triplet anyway so that might be the confusion.

My dad kind of drunkenly looked at my twin, who was screaming and crying while holding his bad ear, and then he looked away and acted like he'd been doing other stuff. Didn't make eye contact at his kids for the rest of the night, which kid me found insulting because I felt he owed us an apology.

So yeah, that wasn't my mom's fault. That was my dad. He's f*cking insane. It's why no one likes him. I mean, when kids fail to bond with a parent completely, that should have told the authorities all they needed to know when they started their home visits to try to get us to tell them he was abusing everyone and our mom couldn't get away. I mean, seriously, the only reason I feel bad now days that I don't visit him or reply to his "I love you" texts? Because one time, when I was three or four, I told my mom really loudly that I loved her way more than I loved my dad, because I kind of hated him, and she very deer-frightened-by-predator shhed at me, then whispered that a good kid loved everyone equally.

really f*cked with my idea of love but whatever. Safety. He was like living with a bear, I'm not kidding. And I like bears way more than him. He's not even a person.

And all the times she asked me to hug him when he was depressed because for some reason I was capable of cheering him up, but my mom was too afraid to touch him. It makes sense -- I'm also the only one in the family who has saved venomous snakes in parking lots by getting them to chill and then moving them, while people in the parking lot yell at me that I'm a crazy person (because they don't want to see someone die like that).

Plus one time my sister made me jealous because her dad is sexist -- long and traumatic story, but shortened version is: he discovered his mom's body after she killed herself in 1955 or so, then he cried and couldn't get over it, and his very cruel dad snapped angrily at him, "You don't cry over a woman," so he started treating women like shit because if he doesn't he'll have to be sad about his mom again. Probably why he almost literally fainted when his child was born and it was female. He didn't even talk to her until she was like four or five, really, because he was only sure how to objectify women and was a bit afraid of her. Yet, he managed, after my mom divorced him (longer story, mostly involving cheating, he wasn't a particularly scary person but he was mean, like "make me breakfast, woman"-while-my-mom-was-trying-to-take-care-of-a-toddler mean). So yeah, her dad was sexist but she still managed to befriend him as an adult despite him not being there for her as she grew up. I asked her about it and she said that sometimes you just put the past behind you, and you don't have to like a dad to know you love him and want him in your life anyway.

Then at the store, literally RIGHT after this conversation, my dad appeared! Try to try out that logic, I thought. So I told him hi and asked him how he was doing.

I realized he looked confused. He was doing that nervous hand rubbing thing he does when he is slightly out of his element (stores and movie theaters make him act terrified of everything, it's kind of the best karma ever -- that's why these are my safe places, despite all the people. I went to a restaurant with him once and he couldn't stop looking at the door, and snapped at us about coupons and asked us to eat quickly. Guy was definitely traumatized by something but who cares, he's given no one any reason to sympathize).

Then he went, "Oh, hey, Bella, nice to see you again, how you been?"

And I was like, "Who the f*ck is Bella??"

It's his dog. His dog's name is Bella. He doesn't even like dogs

 

[ILoveLife]

Ha, I adore you @littleoc. Always such a pleasure to read you :) :hug:

Hope you're resting.

 

[littleoc]

I’m glad you like it! Being fun about it is fun

To be fair, my name is usually Becca, so I could see how he got it wrong. His vision changed the curvy c to a straight l, happens all the time! Drinking double vision! Or something!

Usually I get called Victoria or Emily so it was a fun change


—-

I had a longer message here but I deleted it because I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be flattered, offended, or both, but anyway, long story short, someone (who is just now 18) looked at my credentials, got impressed, and wants to date. Neat.

She chatted with me about her problems and I know now that she has a bad family life, wants to be a therapist, and I inferred that she has no one listening to her and validating her because she responded very well to understanding and interest in her survival tattoos, for rape, abuse, and eating disorder.

So I guess that means fungus relapsed a little because I don’t know why I’m so good at getting personal issues out of people. My neighbor across the street told me he has PTSD the moment he met me and then went “I don’t usually start conversations with that” and it’s cool but I sort of feel like I’m doing something weird.

But then again that’s how I got a rapist pedophile kidnapper to let me go, and my kindergarten teacher was afraid of me for being “too adult” in emotions, and my high school teachers said I should tone it down, especially because of the memory and remembering people’s problems, and heck, I have to tone it down even here because I get way too attached but know I’d be terrified to meet anyone so that’s weird at best





Also also I saw my therapist today, she wants me to move out

But ive been in a much better mood since I got off of that drug that was making me depressed! I’m back to my overly-peppy and social self. Also I can drive now so that’s a major achievement :D