Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Or maybe it's a bonding technique kind of laugh?

Overanalyzing at this point. I just don't understand the exchange we had at all and why I should be smacked. Or jokingly smacked.

 

[littleoc]

Maybe it's a way of saying I'm rude? Or out of line in general? That I was being controlling?

 

[littleoc]

Also, still secretly convinced that people meeting me offline will be disappointed/underwhelmed and not like me because I'm just a human. Probably the effect of ten years of brainwashing. Weird either way. Logically I'm aware that it's obvious that I'm a normal person and not a freak, so....? ??? It's not that I have an elevated ego, it's more like I'm self conscious that I'm not as good as other people and won't be good enough as I am. If that makes sense

Just another thing to work on, I suppose, but not the main thing for now

 

[mumstheword]

Well, for what it's worth, you come across at someone with substance, who has depth, intelligence, all kinds of cool and interesting knowledge, who is kind, courageous and responsible ... so I'm not sure how anyone who's opinion is worth anything, could possible judge you as being "not as good as other people" ... I think you're right, that your self perception stems from being treated cruelly and shabbily in the past, and is no real reflection on your worth, more the misfortune of having those terribly damaged and damaging people in your life, previously. Many of us here, think you are utterly awesome.
Also, what was the context of the "I could smack you" remark? Were you being self depreciating before you got that response?

 

[littleoc]

Many of us here, think you are utterly awesome.

I think you guys are awesome <3

And thank you for that, that was really nice

Also, what was the context of the "I could smack you" remark? Were you being self depreciating before you got that response?

Oh, sorry, I guess that would be useful for good feedback

My therapist was telling me I should move out and asking me what about my mom I was afraid of. My mom was in the waiting room and I know people can hear me from there, so I quietly said that I wasn't comfortable talking. She asked me instead if I could talk about how my frustrations were going and if I felt everything was back to normal, basically? I think I might be remembering wrong. Doesn't feel perfectly right.

Anyway. I told her that my mom's behavior with a bench in my room was annoying me because there's too much furniture in my room and that her sneaking every sugary thing despite being diabetic was annoying me. I went into a short rant about how diabetes is a fatal illness, and the only reason people treat it like it isn't now days is because we have insulin and medications now, except my mom isn't taking those things, and it makes me upset even though I'm aware many diabetics do this. But she even won't get a new doctor. I just feel like she's being irresponsible and hurting others and even putting some at risk.

Then I told her that I had blurted out when my mom snuck some caramel popcorn, "Is it worth a stroke later?" which is not what fully happened and wasn't taken as insulting by my mom in context, but before I could explain why I said this, my therapist said she would have smacked me and changed the subject (I think that's how it happened, I can't quite remember the order of events very well but that's as close as it happened).

It wasn't the full conversation I had with my mom either, but I don't understand the smacking reaction and the laugh. I can't figure out if it was a joke or a reaction to me being inappropriate or controlling or something

 

[littleoc]

She also talked to me for a while about how she reacts to the drug that I had a poor reaction to, but generally speaking she didn't talk about herself any more than she usually does. I know a lot about her family, but I know weird secrets about all my neighbors and secrets from my University that are so dark I was emailed to be politely told not to talk about it, so I think it's just something I do, lol

For example I know her last divorce was because her husband had a crisis and used her credit card and bought $180,000 worth of junk that she had to spend years paying back. Also that her sister has fifteen dogs but it "isn't a hoarding thing." I like collecting info, I don't do anything malicious with it though. The dark stuff from University saved a family more grief so that's nice, also the girl who faked a service dog is one people ask me to retell over and over, so it's good

edit to add that she doesn't mention her other clients to me

 

[mumstheword]

I'm not sure I'd find her trustworthy after the smacking remark, but maybe that's just me, I trust people very seldomly.

I think you being upset with your mum's irresponsible eating is truly valid and understandable. I would feel the same, and say stuff too.

 

[littleoc]

I should probably stop looking at those tweets and articles of people explaining why sex with children is a good thing

 

[littleoc]

I'm not sure I'd find her trustworthy after the smacking remark, but maybe that's just me, I trust people very seldomly.

I think you being upset with your mum's irresponsible eating is truly valid and understandable. I would feel the same, and say stuff too.

Oh, good to know.

I generally tend to over-trust people, unless I'm alone with them. Sort of. Haha.

So, is it possible my therapist doesn't like being told what to do, and was being funny?

 

[ILoveLife]

I should probably stop looking at those tweets and articles of people explaining why sex with children is a good thing

What?

 

[littleoc]

What?

People saying that pedophilia is just another sexual orientation. I don't believe it's right at all, but for some reason those articles keep coming up. And people in my college kept talking about it and handing out pamphlets on sexual orientation that seemed normal -- people of the same gender holding hands, one male couple and one female couple, but the there would be icons of older men with kids and older women with kids and info about how we shouldn't punish what's natural without explaining why that in particular is part of the argument. It makes me upset but I feel like I should be forming good arguments against it. Same about the dogs. People argue about the dogs, but I am not ready to get into those discussions. I don't want to talk about what I've read because it would probably be too disturbing to get feedback on, to be honest. :(

 

[littleoc]

Sorry, I don't post about that stuff often, it's not very exciting stuff, it just suddenly upset me again after another tweet on it

I know it's weird but OCD and my personality in general tell me that my diary must have more good memories in it before I discuss anything that dark anyway, because otherwise the balance will be tipped and I won't be able to use this diary (which obviously isn't fully true, but it really is dark stuff that even my therapist won't hear about because it would disgust her)