Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

True. I remember being two, but it was mostly being trapped in a cage, being yelled at for making the house a mess with toys, hitting my head on a plastic kitchen and crying so quickly that I was surprised I was crying at all, but my dad yelling from the other room to be quieter because he was listening to National Public Radio. Also, my imaginary friends seemed so real to me that I thought they were real, which I haven’t discussed with any psychologist at length because they just say that no one knows what’s normal for a two-year-old to see.

I remember when they started fading a bit and so I stood on the arm of a chair and yelled at the ceiling where Ariel the mermaid used to come through all the time. Just yelled “Ariel!!!” over and over getting confused and frustrated that she wasn’t coming through. My dad asked me what I was doing and I told him, “I’m calling Ariel” and he went, “Oooooh,” like he was following along in a game and I decided he was boring.

I don’t think I should go into that too much. It really is weird to be two. Nothing at all like being a cat.

Although I do remember my dad picking me up all the time and telling me I need to go nap, but when I refused he’d put me in the playroom behind three fences. By myself. I shared a room with my twin brother but then suddenly I didn’t and I was scared all the time and started locking cats into my room with me. Especially ones who made a lot of noise when cleaning themselves.

And I created a tiny brief case filled with toys and stuff to do for every time I got put in there alone and the door was locked.

Which is partly why I was so anxious to change the doorknob on my door in this house. The sound of the one from childhood was bothering me and also the lock was still on the outside which was creeping me out because I used to get locked in constantly.

 

[Freida]

I’m just worried about my impatience and need to have quiet. I was hoping to have kids, now I’m doubting myself a bit.

I love, love, love my nieces and nephew. Love them. But when they were about 2...oh dear god. They made me crazy sometimes. Especially the one who threw these massive, massive temper tantrums.

And yep -- sometimes I yelled. Sometimes I still do, even though they are older. I even threated to throw my littlest niece into the shower if she didn't knock it off. (it worked - she didn't want to ruin her dress.) And yet they still love me. Why? Becuase they know I love them and would never hurt them.

It's normal for kids to make you crazy -- and that's ok.
It's normal to want to strangle them (according to the honest moms I talk to!)
It's normal to want to lock them in a room and walk away

It's NOT normal to do any of those things. What happened to you as a child? So very wrong. Will you do those things to a child? Nope. because you know it's wrong.

Will you be frustrated and angry and pulling your hair out? Yep. Because that's what kids do - they get on your last nerve and you want to kill them. But - you won't. Because you love them.

You are nothing like your dad. Nothing.

 

[littleoc]

So the weather was beautiful, and one thing I like to do when the weather is beautiful is turn off the HVAC system (do you call them that in residential spaces? how much of a luxury are these things, anyway?) and open all the windows.

Indoor air is usually very much in need of getting refreshed. You can't do that every month if you're relying on A/C or heat.

I was successfully able to open four windows out of about forteen and a sliding door that leads to a beautiful patio. I've literally never seen the sliding door be used before so I doubt it works? It has a couple of giant sewing machines that are way out of reach and also huge and one of them is an antique that used to be in my room for the cat Sponge to sleep on.

So it doesn't feel very aired out in here. It's making me feel claustrophobic. I was inside all day trying to study but instead I focused on what rooms could be found in a European ("an" rule break there, cool) Medieval castle. To better study the rooms of the more modern and less-military focused palaces and building like the White House. Also mansions.

Also I think I'm going to tour the White House now. Well, not now, but when I can drive to D.C. without worrying about it.

 

[littleoc]

I did learn in the process that most humans live in one-room homes the combine the kitchen, bedroom (more than one bed is a huge luxury), living room, etc., into one tiny space. So that was neat.

Makes me feel kinda shitty that we don't have a usable kitchen and live in an area where we get asked questions when we grill every single night of the summer, which actually happened one year. Way too much meat.

The meat industry is destroying things, which sucks because they know better. You don't want to see one of those "farms" though so I won't talk about it here. It bothers me a lot. Humans and animals suffering for other people's pleasure.

 

[littleoc]

Goal: I want to be fit.

Not skinny as crap, muscly and fit.

Thoughts on how to accomplish this:
A bit worried I'll overdo it and end up messing up my knees permanently, again, because I've already messed them up permanently at least twice. Sort of unsure that the third time counts as my fault. But the third time I did bust two kneecaps but it was because of a different reason. Also led to a huge problem but that's beside the point.

But I would like to go running again. And biking. And.... no idea how to work on upper body without going to a gym. Everyone is against me on going to the gym, including my therapist, but the machines don't frighten me anymore and if I have income it might be more possible.

But realistically, right now, I could jog without Nestle, or go on a long walk. I have the bike trailer for the bike but it's heavy and neighbors here stare at me way more than the ones in University. I'm a bit tired of getting stared at. Maybe I should get over and it'll make them bored?

I haven't done PT for my back and can't again until I go into the office, but my monthly payment just went up a bunch because of a different visit to the hospital so I haven't answered anyone. I keep remembering my mom trying to spend the entire medical card amount on my braces in one night instead of thinking about the fact that no one would be able to buy medications, nor have routine doctor visits, nor anything else, because of my braces. Makes me very nervous that she's in charge of that card. I guess she wanted me to be happy but you really can't just do stuff like that.

 

[littleoc]

You've mentioned this a couple times over the last couple weeks. If you are not ready to talk that's perfectly ok -- but maybe you could ask yourself why you are afraid to talk about it?

Partially because I'm worried about not being believed or taken seriously, partially because it's gross, and partially because it's inappropriate. Also, because I'm worried that talking about them may cause me to lose control over myself.

Or that it's not even my trauma to talk about, so I don't get why it would even affect me.

People tell me I seem very calculated when I talk, but here I'm a bit less careful. But worry that I'll hurt myself with words is a big concern for me.

What is it you want to talk about?

To be fair, it's a bunch of issues at once that's bothering me. Something about a forum, something about a trigger I was told never to worry about that it now presenting in my everyday life but is so awful I physically can't bring it up unless it's an impulsive action, a penpal who was killed for being gay but Brandi told me I was being pranked for some reason?, disturbing imaged I don't really want to share and also impulsive thoughts and images that cause me late-night spirals downward that I could never share for fear of making them happen.

For a mild example that no longer affects me, the week before Shay died of an overdose/murder (it was not ever made clear to me), I had a dream of all our mutual friends were crying and sad that someone died. I told someone about the dream, and then she died. I felt personally responsible and have been afraid to share stuff like that since. Even though that's very OCD and I know it.

Why are you concerned about letting it out?

Wouldn't be healthy to me, might cause downward spiral, might make me look horrible, might make me look gross, might make people around me be ashamed, might traumatize someone else (I guess I'm projecting myself onto people?), might turn out to be inappropriate to share

What do you think will happen if you talk about it?

Disturbing things at the worst, being put on a watchlist for the least? I'll feel ashamed, might downward spiral because it's very difficult for me to block thoughts, and I've had some "Take over" and cause me to have to call the police. Happened frequently before I got the service dog. Now the dog interrupts the behavior that causes emergency services to be called, but the idea that a dissociated version of me is hiding in my brain trying to kill me is beyond disturbing.

Also, I might disturb other people

What do you think peoples reactions will be to whatever you have to say?

Probably pity and sadness or anger?

Do they make sense? Are they realistic answers?

Some of them no, other ones maybe?

Is it something you will talk to your T about?

Nope, she doesn't even know about the dogs

I mentioned it in a very not-related-to-me-way once and she acted with disgust. Said something that implied that she accidentally pictured it and couldn't understand it. I wouldn't dare bring it up again.

And the rest, no, not really. I talk about the fact that I have disturbing intrusive thoughts but I don't get into them much. She says I'm not a mess anymore so I would like to keep that image unless it was necessary to do anything about it. Because it's true that I'm in control and that stuff is in the past now. So it might be best not to delve into it at all

 

[littleoc]

So earlier today I saw what looked like a hawk-shaped leaf drifting waaaaaaaaaaaay above where I'd expect one to be.

I took a closer look and realized it was a butterfly -- probably a swallowtail of some type because the critter was at least mostly black from that distance (and not because of being silhouetted) -- and the butterfly was taking advantage of the low-wind day to fly waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay above the trees! And we have oaks and poplars here so that's pretty dang high

Me as a butterfly, haha

 

[littleoc]

Oh, good, mom got me more gifts...

Said I never have to use them, but, come on... where do I put them? Why do you think I MUST own two mugs with owls on them? I was clearly fine without them :I

And then I feel bad for not being grateful. I hate this place

 

[ILoveLife]

You really, really, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally - Imma say it again: Really! - don't need to feel grateful for more useless stuff.

Once my granpa gave me a plastic 50cent comb for Christmas and a bar of soap - those were my Christmas presents. I also thought I should be grateful that he at least gave me something - I really shouldn't though, it was weird.

 

[littleoc]

What the heck? That is weird o.O

 

[littleoc]

Was it nice soap?

 

[littleoc]

That was mostly a question to be funny but I am actually curious
But you don’t have to answer!