Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

My mom has been telling me to put all mail on the stove.

She doesn’t look at them and then the pile is so f*cking huge that there’s nowhere to put anything.

I get fed up and put them on the stairs. She doesn’t do anything but put them in neat piles.

Now there are a ton of bills on the stove that say “PASSED DUE” and I’m probably going to be blamed for it.

But I’m not the one responsible for these stupid bills.

 

[littleoc]

I checked the storage unit for the missing book. Not there.

My mom got angry with me about it.

Very sick of this place.

I haven’t eaten yet. It is a lot of work to use a gross microwave in a house like this. Even after making it a habit, because all the trash keeps moving around. It doesn’t feel worth it.

 

[Freida]

I just can’t. I can’t be near this person. I dislike her. She’s insane. She did not come out of trauma okay. She’s so much like Brandi.

Then don't be. I had to make this choice with my brother. Do I choose my mental health and recovery and risk the family drama or do I choose to avoid family drama and risk my mental health.

If you don't go people will be all you suck and blah blah blah. But. You are fighting for yourself right now. You are fighting against people who are a HUGE part of the problem, in an environment that is detrimental to you and it is causing you to struggle way more than anyone should have to. If you know your mom won't have you home on time because it's not importatn to her - dont go. If you know twins wife is a phsyco and a possible danger to yourself - don't go. You don't HAVE to do anything. You DO have to do what will help you heal - even if it means upsetting other people.

Can you talk to your T about being assertive with the family to make it a bit easier for you?

she replied, “Cool, I had a break down in a class, way more important than your problem so let me tell you about it and you don’t tell me your problem” that’s not verbatim if you couldn’t tell, but you get the idea.

Run the other way. This kind of person is dangerous for you -- because they will suck you in and you don't have the skills yet to tell them to go away. It's like me having to stay away from volunteering for the vet suicide boards. It felt comfortable, but I had to realize it was not helping me.

But I’m not the one responsible for these stupid bills.

Good girl!!!! :hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

I thought of you at lunch today while a wasp was chasing me around the parking lot. The darn thing had me laughing hysterically while I looked like a lunatic. Even though we haven't met and (probably) never will you have become very special to me! Just wanted you to know people care about you!

 

[littleoc]

You are fighting for yourself right now. You are fighting against people who are a HUGE part of the problem,

That’s true

It kind of reminds me of what my therapist was saying, that if I don’t picture it as part of my life in twenty years, it’s probably something I shouldn’t bother with

Except animals who don’t live more than twenty years :p

in an environment that is detrimental to you and it is causing you to struggle way more than anyone should have to.

yeah, it’s making me depressed and limiting my views on things. It’s the worst place ever.

I mean, I just had a mini fight over an expensive book and I don’t want food. She’s doing her best and now I feel bad, but this house is ridiculous

You DO have to do what will help you heal - even if it means upsetting other people.

I guess I need to learn to upset people. For some reason that scares me. Probably because of that thing where I think upsetting my mom will get me into huge trouble? Or because every time I upset Brandi she’d start cutting herself, hitting herself in the head, threatening suicide, threatening to hurt me, threatening to tell my mom I was schizophrenic even though I wasn’t?

Can you talk to your T about being assertive with the family to make it a bit easier for you?

Yes, and I think technically I’m on my way there. My therapist noted that I was good talking about anything and everything no matter who was in the room, until my mom came in. Then I was either mute or saying things in a way that my therapist didn’t recognize.

She wants to do EMDR on it. Last time I did EMDR on a family member, I started having intense nightmares all the time about him cutting himself too much. From that time he did and the police showed up.

Brandi came by at 2am to help me chill, then the hospital released my brother without making sure he was in therapy or anything.

I was mad because I had told my mom that it was going to happen, and she called me paranoid. My brother almost died, but I was paranoid.

And yes. I had to go to school the next day.

Weird that Brandi did. She missed so much school that if it hasn’t been for Bush and no child left behind, she’d have just flunked out.

Run the other way.

I will take that as permission

I’m definitely not interested in being friends with this person

Hopefully she doesn’t become a therapist because she’d be dangerous

Fun fact: Brandi wanted to be a therapist. When she first told me that, I laughed. That was before I even realized I didn’t like her. She always seemed dangerous to me

you don't have the skills yet to tell them to go away

I do not. I’m worried about hurting people

So I should ghost? Lol

Don’t want her to think I got shot either, though.

The darn thing had me laughing hysterically while I looked like a lunatic.

Oh no!!!!

That’s hilarious :p

.....do you know what kind of wasp? :p

Fun fact: the entire time I’ve been typing this, I’ve had an ant crawling on my leg

I didn’t want to spook her yet. But she crawled on my phone and got a lil spooked anyway

Even though we haven't met and (probably) never will you have become very special to me! Just wanted you to know people care about you!

Thank you :) I needed that today

You’re cool too!

I get excited when you like things I say — it makes me feel like I am posting quality content™ :p

 

[littleoc]

You know what, I don’t get why my sister isnt angrier that I got stuck with the pedo neighbor.

My sister told my mom that he grabbed her butt and she was uncomfortable with me going there anymore. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Pedo didn’t lure me in originally, he lured in both of us to babysit his dog. He was originally way more interested in my sister, who was fifteen at the time. I was ten. He constantly reminded me that and I felt worthless compared to her.

My sister didn’t want me to go over there any more and told me not to, but my mom said not to worry about it.

Honestly, who does that? Who says that it’s fine for a creepy dude to grab at my sister, and then fine for me to keep going over there? The f*ck?

Meanwhile I’m very angry about my little brother having his artery cut when I had warned my mom MUCH to my discomfort that he was going to do something bad and needed more therapy. What the f*ck

Honestly I doubt my sister even remember this. She nearly died later of alcohol poisoning and hypothermia after Pedo dumped her body in a ditch. Her memory hasn’t been great since then

I hope she doesn’t remember that night as well as I do

Maybe it would help if I took a walk, my brain seems to be upset today

I really need to continue prioritizing sleep. Not being on schedule makes it very hard to do anything but think about trauma, it’s honestly annoying

Previously, in happier news, my sister kept me out of a lot of danger. I used to follow literally anyone on walks and get really strange lectures from people about awful morals. I’d follow door to door sales people to ask them about their lives. My sister would come outside and tell me I was getting myself into danger

You should have seen the guys my sister was into at the time. Scary people

My mom claims she didn’t make rules for any of her kids on who to be friends with, who to hang out with, or who to date, because “we’d be tempted to sneak out and be with them anyway, so why ban you and have you sneak around when I could just know where you are at least?”

I will be forever annoyed about that. All four of us got into huge amounts of danger because of that. My little brother got threatened at gun point, had his bike shot, and my dad beat him for it.

I think my mom was irresponsible. Not abusive, but neglectful and irresponsible. Is that harsh? I feel very harsh about that.

 

[littleoc]

I’m not sure I should go out to eat tonight. I’m clearly not well today. Maybe I should go for a walk and then wash my hair.

I bought a hammock; I should see about putting it up somewhere so I can read books with the mosquitoes

 

[littleoc]

Mosquitoes can’t read, so you have to read out loud to them. It’s a little inconvenient, but imagine if you had to wait to turn the page for like 110 insects. It’d get annoying quick. Plus they’d cloud your view a little. Compound eyes suck at seeing things from a distance, so they’d probably be like right on the page, sipping on your hand while they read

It would probably suck (no pun intended)

And imagine the noise they’d make

 

[littleoc]

I like how my house prevents me from being able to take my service dog places. I just had to not go to the library to try to find a copy of that 200$ book, because it would mean that I couldn’t have my service dog with me because my mom INSISTED on getting food from outside, again.

And the only place we can eat is at my sisters, which has now been infested with fleas for more than a month. Not her fault, but I don’t want to bring my dog into a flea infested house.

I also need to bathe her tonight because otherwise the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow will smell more like my house than it should

 

[littleoc]

What do baby fleas even eat? :o

 

[littleoc]

Flea larvae emerge from the eggs to feed on any available organic material such as dead insects, faeces, conspecific eggs, and vegetable matter.

Source: Flea - Wikipedia

Thanks, Wikipedia

So I guess my sister’s fleas’ babies are eating other flea eggs (that’s what “conspecific” means according to my Webster’s dictionary :P ) and probably human and cat drander? And maybe leftover dog danger if the vacuum didn’t get it yet

 

[ILoveLife]

What do baby fleas even eat? :eek:

Human and pet skin remains! Truee