Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

:hug:’s back, @somerandomguy :):)

 

[ILoveLife]

How are you feeling now? :hug: from me too

 

[littleoc]

Uh. Good enough! I finished an essay.

I’m using Fungus as a chatacter. It might not sound wise, but im using the entire world I made for Brandi. Someone healthier might enjoy it!

Plus, I can control it now. Brandi’s not looking for ways to basically rape Luke also, through “sex therapy” which I apparently needed, in weird creepy plot lines. That’s my favorite. The lack of every single character being a sexual interest. Because that’s not exactly what they’re for. They’re for exploring the human condition. Which includes sex but that’s not my focus.

It was originally made for my little brother. My little brother and I were best friends for years. I probably shouldn’t talk about what happened right now.

Also, my eyelid infection is getting better! So hopefully I can now take this as a sign to get rid of hair-pulling as a coping but mechanism.

I keep getting crazy anxious and thinking about those pills though. It’s hard to explain. I’m not sure why my brain is doing this.

But two of my toys arrived. They are GREAT. In my opinion.

I distracted myself earlier with work. The house smells bad but I’m hanging in there. I made two boundaries. No more hanging clothes in the shower (turns out they’d been washed in the shower, but my dad broke the washboard we never used so I dunno how great that works, lol), and also go through the f*cking mail or I’m recycling it without asking. (Will shred credit card offers.)

 

[littleoc]

Thanks for your curiosity :)

 

[Freida]

Have you asked him what he wants? Maybe he has something to tell you that can help?? :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Have you asked him what he wants? Maybe he has something to tell you that can help?? :hug:

Hm. No. I’m a bit afraid to get into that. Secretly I’m afraid I’ll go completely psychotic or something. Things got so complicated in 2016. Luckily that’s almost three years away!!!

There is a lot of guilt with my mother. A lot. Brandi told her things so that I’d be forced to either lie to “prove” to Brandi that I was telling the truth (or she’d kill herself), or I had to tell my mom that Brandi was false. It was really hard.

 

[littleoc]

I’m not quite ready to talk about that. Irrationally afraid of judgement, only it’s not irrational, because I had to be manipulative to two people i really cared about.

 

[littleoc]

Three people. Four. Five.

f*ck Brandi, what’d I see in her?

 

[littleoc]

IN LESS DEPRESSING NEWS I finally have enough LED rainbow color-changing nightlights to feel safe :)

That way I can wear the sleep mask for the go-to-bed-hormone signal to the brain, and then rip it off if I get spooked and there’s enough light to not be spooked :D

Plus my bird has one in her room so that’s great! Poor baby gets the worst night frights — although BETTER NEWS SHE HASN’T HAD ONE IN OVER A MONTH, YAY

 

[littleoc]

Although if you want a more honest answer into how I’m doing, I guess that would be “good because I’m always good but I got triggered by a dog fart an hour ago” because I like my trauma to be hilarious to bystanders

(I didn’t tell Nestle that that was the stressor. She’s allowed to have gas, no worries)

 

[littleoc]

Reason I’m awake: a f*cking POLICE HELICOPTER shown its spotlight onto our house. Spooked me.

And no, I can’t confirm it’s police or anything. Could be medical for all I know. The base isn’t that far away also. Coulda been some dude playing around. At 3am. As one does.

About two years ago some dude broke out of the prison in the capital and somehow made it all the way here in a stolen car? Neighbors had every light in their house on and porch lights up, also some had unlocked doors (like my sister for some reason) to dare him to come in and get shot. Good times I guess.

My mom turned off every light and made it look like we weren’t home. But imagine if he thought this house was abandoned. Walking into the front room you might f*cking think so.

Luckily they caught him without him hurting anyone. It was way less eventful than a tornado. He ended up being at my therapist’s neighborhood (not that far away but far enough). She’d had a good time with clients after that I bet. I sort of never brought it up because she kept telling me about her family’s reactions. No harm done, though, because it was not a traumatic experience — just spooky. :p

 

[ILoveLife]

It was way less eventful than a tornado.

lol, the best silver lining ever