Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

All the food we bought for the Thanksgiving feast only came up to 78$ this year!! We were celebrating that, lol.

 

[littleoc]

My twin brother is still getting mail from his university from the Jewish community on campus. He dropped out and became Presbyterian, so I guess I can open it?

Maybe not legal tho, haha

 

[littleoc]

It’s about this time of night that the bad thoughts start. The really triggering ones. During the day I’m totally fine. I have no evidence that I’m evil.

If I sit down and be still, that’s when the memories come up. I don’t think they sound as bad when I write them as they actually are. I feel like I’m an evil human. I have not discussed it with my therapist. I’m too ashamed.

Did anyone else have homicidal thoughts when you were triggered? As a child? I know I couldn’t have acted on them. Brandi wanted me to kill her and I couldn’t. Just the plan left me so guilty that I ended up underweight for a year. When I saw a... hallucination, I guess, of her going toward the bathroom in the high school all lumpy and dead and twitchy — it still haunts my dreams. I feel crazy.

She thought it was cool. She made me take her to the bathroom. It was near the auto shop. I was a student in the automobile shop, changing break drumbs on ambulances that were more old fashion. And changing the massive tires on fire trucks. My dad is a mechanic. He’s responsible for most scams. But he’s known for understanding vehicles so the teacher liked me being there.

That bathroom had a shower in it that didn’t turn on, and didn’t have a light. It felt like such a surreal thing to stand in there and have Brandi ask me if I could see anything in the Mirror. The Mirror could see things nornal people couldn’t. I keep dreaming about it. But I deserved it. That’s what I got for tricking Brandi. That’s what I got for threatening Sydney. That’s what I got for bullying her and my brother. It doesn’t matter that my dad taught me to. I did it. Because then some of the other kids bullied me less.

I was nice in high school. In middle school I was just depressed. I can’t mix these memories for some reason. It’s like I have five heads. Five versions of the past. My brain just doesn’t want to let it go.

 

[littleoc]

I hit my head pretty f*cking hard. More then ten times. It must have messed up how my memories were being stored.

 

[ILoveLife]

Hey, lots of self-blame here hun. :hug:

Can you maybe come back to this when your head's quieter? To think of it in a more objective way.
You seem triggered.

You're the farthest from evil I've ever met.

 

[littleoc]

When light bulbs go out. It makes me think of being trapped in that shower.

There wasn’t a showerhead in there. It was such a creepy place. No floor, no tiles on the walls, a pipe sticking out where the shower head was broken off, broken light. Writing everywhere. The drain had no cover and the pipe stuck out above the ground a little. You could hear it doing something when the toilets flushed. It was so creepy.

Maybe worse because I’m claustrophobic? Not truly claustrophobic though. Something happened after a surgery I had once that triggered it.

Anyway, yeah, even then that event was triggering because it reminded me of something else. Remembering it seems to be enough to get symptomatic. Which is weird probably.

I have no idea how to make this sound more positive. I hope I don’t sound too crazy. Or dangerous. I swear I’m not dangerous.

 

[ILoveLife]

Why would you sound dangerous? We know you're not dangerous. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

And you're not crazy either.. sorry, skipped that part reading.

 

[littleoc]

This time it started because I’m craving smoked Gouda potato chips with a touch of Black Forest truffle. Because even though I live in a poor family thanks to Dad, I am living the high life anyway, and my spoiled ass has been literally dreaming that I called my grandparents and asked them for a nice house that I saw was for sale in real life.

My dad asks for free houses. He actually gets them. He’s killed someone.

Thank you @Sietz

It’s really hard to explain. Brandi acted afraid of me. She assumed the knife I was using to cut myself was the one I was going to use to kill her. I think she was triggered by her step mom. Her step mom abused her.

My dad is afraid of me. Some kids at the school started acting afraid of me. Not by high school, though. That “part” integrated by then? I can’t remember which therapist I complained to about it anymore, though. I don’t know if it was in high school or in college.

In fact, I have been trying to figure out if this one kid was in my high school or my college all day. Some of my memories for messed up somehow. It feels like I wasn’t focusing on them well enough.

 

[littleoc]

I should probably just go to bed, lol

 

[littleoc]

Might get me some of them fancy chips tho

They’re f*cking great, I deserve a treat. Did so much gross stuff today, maybe I’m having a delayed reaction to that. That shower smelled bad

Unsurprisingly. It felt like the kind of shower that Stephen King’s It would climb out of

 

[ILoveLife]

So your abusers were afraid of you defending yourself... R was afraid of me too. Guess we showed them we're not evil like them :) :hug: