Okay, finally rested enough to work on these. :)
I'm trying to find a growing opportunity for you being there and seeing that house everyday.
Maybe the fact that he's no longer there and new people are cool and take care of the house, can symbolize that the past is over and done with and you are cool and can take care of yourself now?
I am trying to work with this. That's what I was telling myself when their dog escaped and I was bringing him back before a severe storm. (I don't know that you were reading this diary yet?) Their dog got out of their backyard and when I tried to bring him to my house, he got scared. Obviously. So I brought him to the pedophiles house and that was something else. They haven't changed his carpet yet. Such a disgusting carpet.
I think I had some kind of episode from extreme stress from that, because I got this overwhelming feeling that a part of me had stayed behind in the daughter's bedroom. Her bedroom is the room I was kept in, I'm sure, because the other room is a master bedroom. I felt like I was talking to myself out of nowhere and that she was keeping the place safe from future creeps. It was... weird.
@Freida told me it wasn't unusual though, so that helped.
I know this is one big fear of yours, but your past didn't turn you into an awful person at all.
I think in fact, no matter how much people tried to break you, you were able to maintain that awesomeness you've always carried inside. :hug:
Thank you :hug: :hug:
All those triggers at one time? Anyone of us would have struggled.
Are you trying to say I'm not crazy? :0 Weird....
Thanks, though, seriously. :hug: That was helpful.
Maybe not at all? Maybe the idea is accepting that you will never understand how it is supposed to be. Because you aren't those horrible people. Your mind can't work the way theirs do - because they are evil and you -- not. Maybe the idea is understanding that these situations happened in your past but they don't define your future?
That's the problem. I'm sure my pedophile was behaving evilly, but he didn't believe he was. This is going to sound INSANE and I apologize, but I asked people in a forum dedicated to bestiality and they told me that the pedophile was in the wrong. That just because he said things that were true and ethical doesn't mean he was behaving that way. They told me that sometimes people really do mistreat animals and don't actually love them at all, and that's how he was treating me so it matters a lot less if he was respecting the dogs or not because he was already causing problems.
I have a hard time with this topic, sorry. I'm afraid to talk about what I learned because (1) I'm confused about if it's true or warped, and (2) I'm worried someone is going to say I'm disgusting for trying to figure it out. I can't tell what's abusive and what's normal. Though, I know I'm personally not interested in animals that way. Or children. But in trying to learn about pedophilia I learned that I was so brainwashed about it that a person running a support group from them thought I was one trying to justify why it was okay. He told me in an email, "It's not a sexual orientation. It is a disorder," and I got really confused. Eventually told him I was a victim and and not a person trying to accept myself. I'm not interested in kids, thankfully. Guy told me he was sad for me, and he was running this support group to not to keep people from doing that, but to help them get support and medical assistance where necessary. Because people who want to hurt people are criminals. It doesn't matter if they justified themselves or not.
It was really confusing and it through me off for years. In my head it still feels normal. Not because I am a pedophile, though. I'm confused between wanting to be accepting of others, especially people who hurt me, and hating people who hurt other people. That pedophile confused me. He seemed to feel bad. Bad enough to attempt suicide. He seemed to care a lot.
Unless he was attempting suicide to blackmail someone (his mom). I'm not sure I want to get into that right now. His mom seemed fine with what happened before then.
Good girl! Although why the rest of your family would let this asshat start this crap to begin with? That's sad.
Probably. I think they just don't want to argue with him either.
My sister isn't particularly nice to him though. All she wants is everything to be perfect. No one wants to criticize that, including me, because she will then blame us for ruining her image. She is.... odd. Pretty reasonable person otherwise, though, so it's just an overly annoying character flaw at this point. That hopefully won't trouble her son as he grows up. He cried during ring bearing and before his first birthday, and my sister felt "everything was ruined" for a while both times. Still hasn't learned that no one minded but her about this stuff. No one expects a one-year-old to be able to do adult-plans perfectly.
Then her husband
will try to criticize her during the event but he'll be so cruel about it that it becomes a matter of "picking a side" instead of just fixing the problem. It's stupid.
But anyway, nobody wants to end up in that spiral, so he can talk to me however he wants to because no one wants to stop him. He's been calling me stupid ever since I was fourteen.
Brandi used to be envious of their relationship, though, before and after they got married. Because she wanted to have a relationship like theirs with her invisible husband she couldn't touch that I was "lying" about and thought I was at the time. I think she meant she wanted a man she could bully into doing anything for her while he was being a dick about it. She told me she loved mean guys. I have no idea why someone would want a mean guy to "make vulnerable." Any time she wanted me to be a male person, like Luke, she wanted me to have a dick of a personality, be crazy about sex, and have a traumatic sexual past that she had to fix. It was f*cking creepy.
/rant though
