Kubash16
VIP Member
I’m with Freida as usual lol. She always knows exactly what to say.
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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally
- Post starter littleoc
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Freida
VIP Member
LOL naw..I'm just bossy! :laugh:
- Post starter
- #3,963
littleoc
VIP Member
If a hater can influence your plans, then your plans aren’t ambitious enough.
They just want to see you fail more than they want to succeed. It’s best to pretend they don’t exist.
On another note, I woke up suddenly at midnight with the thought that if I don’t clean out the house, my mom is going to try to live in it and feel abandoned, and I got upset that I ever moved back in. I looked at my tent and wondered if a trailer park would ever let me live in just a tent.
Decided maybe the house’s bad energy really is getting to me. Thought about asking the Native lady to come by and bless it even though I can’t let her in. But she’s at the end of the road blessing the cut trees that the loggers are taking away in giant trucks. I’m not sure anyone gave them permission to do that anyway.
In high school, Brandi and I had to wait for busses that took a long time to arrive. They were called “late busses” by the school because they had to pick up younger kids before us and wouldn’t arrive until an hour after school had ended.
Brandi didn’t usually come to school; no one thought she’d graduate. I believed in her though. And she did manage that.
I was the kind of person who liked to expore and be elsewhere. It was hard in high school to sit away from all the people who had once been my friends to be alone with Brandi, but it became important to both of us.
On one of the days Brandi never showed up to school, I got tired of sitting alone outside, away from potential friends I wasn’t allowed to talk to. My city’s Greenway was right next to the school. I was a really, really good kid — the kind teachers were impressed would ever be near the likes of Brandi, OR be related to my own father — so they let me get away with all kinds of things. This time they let me get away with sneaking off school premises before getting on the bus, something that usually would lead to be suspended. I think nowadays the school wouldn’t have been able to get away with this, especially while knowing my dad might still be stalking us.
I found this beautiful bridge over the city’s creek, which actually starts right in my mom’s backyard — no kidding. It comes right out of a spring under our neighborhood, but in my backyard is the very start of it. The thing has mystical powers, according to the Cherokee people who used to own the land here before Andrew Jackson happened. My high school was built on the road where the springs were warmest, and where people used to submerge themselves when they got really ill. A lot of them have dried up today because of deforestation, but some of them still exist, thanks to the physician who used to live in this town when it still only have thirty people living in it.
The creek had fish in it, and a heron who didn’t mind me watching her. I think it was a great blue heron, if anyone is reading this and is curious.
So when it was time for my bus to arrive an hour later, I walked back to the school, the vice principal winked at me, and I went home to call Brandi like what was expected of me. But also, I wanted to.
The next time she showed up to school, I showed it to her. Then she came to school more often and we went there after school every single day. The heron showed up once a week or so.
The privacy was perfect for our wild conversations, so I could imaging what her invisible husband H was thinking and translate his weird, foreign thoughts.
There was a tree there — an oak — that had been standing there since the Cherokee people had been there. We loved that tree. We greeted it everyday.
One day we got to the path and instead of a tree, there was a massive stump. Massive enough that we could have laid on it next to each other and only have our feet dangle off of it at the very edge.
A week later the school had installed a giant septic tank for the school’s use. It smelled awful and clearly was hurting the stream and surely was illegal, but no one but Brandi and I seemed to care.
So I got weird about it after a while. I told her something about having to move on. Mostly because it caused me pain and I didn’t want to discuss it anymore.
Later we invited Scotty to join us at the bridge. Then we started hanging out with Brandi’s friends at the schoolyard and Brandi would snap at me for trying to isolate her and being clingy if I objected.
I just kind of figured that if she could isolate me and need me to call her every single day, maybe that bit of alone time together would be nice.
I do miss that tree. I still go to that bridge sometimes. The heron still shows up occasionally. They either live a long time or else she had babies and they fish in the same creek.
They just want to see you fail more than they want to succeed. It’s best to pretend they don’t exist.
On another note, I woke up suddenly at midnight with the thought that if I don’t clean out the house, my mom is going to try to live in it and feel abandoned, and I got upset that I ever moved back in. I looked at my tent and wondered if a trailer park would ever let me live in just a tent.
Decided maybe the house’s bad energy really is getting to me. Thought about asking the Native lady to come by and bless it even though I can’t let her in. But she’s at the end of the road blessing the cut trees that the loggers are taking away in giant trucks. I’m not sure anyone gave them permission to do that anyway.
In high school, Brandi and I had to wait for busses that took a long time to arrive. They were called “late busses” by the school because they had to pick up younger kids before us and wouldn’t arrive until an hour after school had ended.
Brandi didn’t usually come to school; no one thought she’d graduate. I believed in her though. And she did manage that.
I was the kind of person who liked to expore and be elsewhere. It was hard in high school to sit away from all the people who had once been my friends to be alone with Brandi, but it became important to both of us.
On one of the days Brandi never showed up to school, I got tired of sitting alone outside, away from potential friends I wasn’t allowed to talk to. My city’s Greenway was right next to the school. I was a really, really good kid — the kind teachers were impressed would ever be near the likes of Brandi, OR be related to my own father — so they let me get away with all kinds of things. This time they let me get away with sneaking off school premises before getting on the bus, something that usually would lead to be suspended. I think nowadays the school wouldn’t have been able to get away with this, especially while knowing my dad might still be stalking us.
I found this beautiful bridge over the city’s creek, which actually starts right in my mom’s backyard — no kidding. It comes right out of a spring under our neighborhood, but in my backyard is the very start of it. The thing has mystical powers, according to the Cherokee people who used to own the land here before Andrew Jackson happened. My high school was built on the road where the springs were warmest, and where people used to submerge themselves when they got really ill. A lot of them have dried up today because of deforestation, but some of them still exist, thanks to the physician who used to live in this town when it still only have thirty people living in it.
The creek had fish in it, and a heron who didn’t mind me watching her. I think it was a great blue heron, if anyone is reading this and is curious.
So when it was time for my bus to arrive an hour later, I walked back to the school, the vice principal winked at me, and I went home to call Brandi like what was expected of me. But also, I wanted to.
The next time she showed up to school, I showed it to her. Then she came to school more often and we went there after school every single day. The heron showed up once a week or so.
The privacy was perfect for our wild conversations, so I could imaging what her invisible husband H was thinking and translate his weird, foreign thoughts.
There was a tree there — an oak — that had been standing there since the Cherokee people had been there. We loved that tree. We greeted it everyday.
One day we got to the path and instead of a tree, there was a massive stump. Massive enough that we could have laid on it next to each other and only have our feet dangle off of it at the very edge.
A week later the school had installed a giant septic tank for the school’s use. It smelled awful and clearly was hurting the stream and surely was illegal, but no one but Brandi and I seemed to care.
So I got weird about it after a while. I told her something about having to move on. Mostly because it caused me pain and I didn’t want to discuss it anymore.
Later we invited Scotty to join us at the bridge. Then we started hanging out with Brandi’s friends at the schoolyard and Brandi would snap at me for trying to isolate her and being clingy if I objected.
I just kind of figured that if she could isolate me and need me to call her every single day, maybe that bit of alone time together would be nice.
I do miss that tree. I still go to that bridge sometimes. The heron still shows up occasionally. They either live a long time or else she had babies and they fish in the same creek.
- Post starter
- #3,964
littleoc
VIP Member
In less confusing news, I got a fern as a birthday gift!!!! ?
I am on generally okay terms with them because once they actually took my advice with their products and gave me some free music as compensation. Y’all remember when I ranted at @Sietz about using a blue light filter for her computer so she could still sleep okay ish at night? (Totally cool of you don’t.) I did that same rant at Apple several years ago and within the week they wrote me back saying I was right and had good sources. I am unreasonably proud of that, lol
My mom gifted me an iPhone in 2015 and it still works rather well. Already needed a battery replacement tho, while my other flip phone still works despite not being chargeable, lol. Got the flip phone when I was 17, so... must have been in 2012 or so. Hasn’t needed a new battery. iPhone? Sure did! Kinda pathetic. But my mom spent at least three years paying off my phone, so I didn’t care that my little bro had trashed his and somehow gotten my mom to buy him two new phones and a new laptop. I am grateful.
Kinda feeling that way a lot this year. Still no job. Only interview I got told me I’m suspiciously confident and a Jew. My mom and I are toxic for each other I think. I can no longer run well because my tendons keep becoming inflamed and I can’t see a doctor. I’m almost out of money. I’m so physically weak that yoga was painful and I didn’t feel my pressence was anything but a burden. And can’t keep blaming my weird weakness on the cages I lived in as a kid. My dog needs to retire. And more is on my mind but I really don’t want to be depressing on top of everything else, so I’m holding out hope. Someone will call me back eventually.
Not gonna asked the Native lady for support right now, though. I wonder if God would award Cherokees or other Native people THEIR homeland back. Kinda messed up.
Anyway, back to the topic, my mom woke up at 4am when the alarm started going off. I did ask her why she didn’t wake me up when I heard it. She said, “Because you had just gone to bed and I didn’t want to wake you up.” She puts herself way below everyone else all the time. I wasn’t mad about that. Clearly there was no fire.
I would like to buy an ABC extinguisher though. I’m very nervous about fire here.
Only reply with positive stuff today, the weather is way too nice to mope :D
Lol, poo. Maybe I’ll use the name for a fictional thing :P
It really, really is.
I am on generally okay terms with them because once they actually took my advice with their products and gave me some free music as compensation. Y’all remember when I ranted at @Sietz about using a blue light filter for her computer so she could still sleep okay ish at night? (Totally cool of you don’t.) I did that same rant at Apple several years ago and within the week they wrote me back saying I was right and had good sources. I am unreasonably proud of that, lol
My mom gifted me an iPhone in 2015 and it still works rather well. Already needed a battery replacement tho, while my other flip phone still works despite not being chargeable, lol. Got the flip phone when I was 17, so... must have been in 2012 or so. Hasn’t needed a new battery. iPhone? Sure did! Kinda pathetic. But my mom spent at least three years paying off my phone, so I didn’t care that my little bro had trashed his and somehow gotten my mom to buy him two new phones and a new laptop. I am grateful.
I actually haven’t!! I’m not sure where to start but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to check
So I think I misworded something? Not sure, but I appreciate your thoughts a lot!! Great to know I should have been angry about the alarm, because I actually wasn’t. I was just upset because my mom was talking to me like I was an annoyance. Then finally snapped at me for leaving screws outside. Big sign and rolled her eyes at me — that’s her form of snapping. It really pissed me off, and I shouldn’t have gotten mad but I did and then I spent the rest of the day convinced that I was hated and a piece of trash.
Kinda feeling that way a lot this year. Still no job. Only interview I got told me I’m suspiciously confident and a Jew. My mom and I are toxic for each other I think. I can no longer run well because my tendons keep becoming inflamed and I can’t see a doctor. I’m almost out of money. I’m so physically weak that yoga was painful and I didn’t feel my pressence was anything but a burden. And can’t keep blaming my weird weakness on the cages I lived in as a kid. My dog needs to retire. And more is on my mind but I really don’t want to be depressing on top of everything else, so I’m holding out hope. Someone will call me back eventually.
Not gonna asked the Native lady for support right now, though. I wonder if God would award Cherokees or other Native people THEIR homeland back. Kinda messed up.
Anyway, back to the topic, my mom woke up at 4am when the alarm started going off. I did ask her why she didn’t wake me up when I heard it. She said, “Because you had just gone to bed and I didn’t want to wake you up.” She puts herself way below everyone else all the time. I wasn’t mad about that. Clearly there was no fire.
I would like to buy an ABC extinguisher though. I’m very nervous about fire here.
Only reply with positive stuff today, the weather is way too nice to mope :D
- Post starter
- #3,965
littleoc
VIP Member
Today has been a peaceful day so far. For the first time in a very long time I was able to get out of bed without Nestle’s help. Had a nice breakfast of fruit and cottage cheese. Haven’t seen my mom since yesterday and don’t know where she is, but that meant I could blare music and sing with it without worrying about it.
Read a book for the entire morning, outside in the sun with Nestle and the mouser Xavier. A mail dude with a man bun delivered a plant from my friend as an early birthday gift!! ? And now I’m thinking I’ll go ahead and have some lunch, give Nestle hers, take her on a daily stroll, and then go to the hardware store or something like that to fix her emergency-med bag, get new dishwasher mounts, and then come home and hang up the mezuzah I was given.
Maybe clean up my office. Dishwasher will have to wait a bit because I might need a drill, not sure yet. My neighbor already told me he won’t let “a female” borrow his tools, but my across the street neighbor is a much nicer man and probably will even offer to help me out. I’ll have to say no but that’s okay. Next door neighbor on the other side probably has a drill too. He’s the guy who hid me from my dad once, really great man.
I didn’t mention that the dishwasher fell out of the wall, here. It’s a long story. It apparently fell out while I was in college and neither my mom nor my brothers (who might have been 18 and 19?) did anything about it. Realized last week that the damn thing was full of dishes, for YEARS, and my mom stacking mail on its exposed middle started at the beginning of February was the last straw on the camels back for the floor.
I should have fixed it a long time ago. It’s whatever though. Maybe when the floor had standing water on it someone should have dried it so it wouldn’t have been weakened. At least it’s still safe to walk on. Mostly the linoleum is broken, not the actual floor.
Dishwasher still works, probably. I tested it. Not sure how to unplug it though. And not willing to put more dishes in it.
At least I finally won the “battle” with my mom about the concept that “a dishwasher leaning out of the wall is not a good place to store mail.” I threatened to recycle all the mail and my mom said “not until I go through it” and then put it in a bag out of my way. She hasnt gone through it and I’m sure she won’t, but at least I no longer have to deal with it and I can finally fix the g-d damn dishwasher that’s probably just going to become another place to store her dishes.
Which I say because my brothers and I cleaned an area to be useful again and now it’s being used to house so many dishes that you cant use the dishes. My mom was wasting money on paper plates until I lost my temper after it couldn’t hold my dinner without it going to the floor.
Anyway, a pieceful day otherwise. The loggers wave at me while I read a book as they drive by. Not sure who hired those men but I guarantee they’re going to wish they didnt. Lol
Okay, gonna walk my dog now :D
Read a book for the entire morning, outside in the sun with Nestle and the mouser Xavier. A mail dude with a man bun delivered a plant from my friend as an early birthday gift!! ? And now I’m thinking I’ll go ahead and have some lunch, give Nestle hers, take her on a daily stroll, and then go to the hardware store or something like that to fix her emergency-med bag, get new dishwasher mounts, and then come home and hang up the mezuzah I was given.
Maybe clean up my office. Dishwasher will have to wait a bit because I might need a drill, not sure yet. My neighbor already told me he won’t let “a female” borrow his tools, but my across the street neighbor is a much nicer man and probably will even offer to help me out. I’ll have to say no but that’s okay. Next door neighbor on the other side probably has a drill too. He’s the guy who hid me from my dad once, really great man.
I didn’t mention that the dishwasher fell out of the wall, here. It’s a long story. It apparently fell out while I was in college and neither my mom nor my brothers (who might have been 18 and 19?) did anything about it. Realized last week that the damn thing was full of dishes, for YEARS, and my mom stacking mail on its exposed middle started at the beginning of February was the last straw on the camels back for the floor.
I should have fixed it a long time ago. It’s whatever though. Maybe when the floor had standing water on it someone should have dried it so it wouldn’t have been weakened. At least it’s still safe to walk on. Mostly the linoleum is broken, not the actual floor.
Dishwasher still works, probably. I tested it. Not sure how to unplug it though. And not willing to put more dishes in it.
At least I finally won the “battle” with my mom about the concept that “a dishwasher leaning out of the wall is not a good place to store mail.” I threatened to recycle all the mail and my mom said “not until I go through it” and then put it in a bag out of my way. She hasnt gone through it and I’m sure she won’t, but at least I no longer have to deal with it and I can finally fix the g-d damn dishwasher that’s probably just going to become another place to store her dishes.
Which I say because my brothers and I cleaned an area to be useful again and now it’s being used to house so many dishes that you cant use the dishes. My mom was wasting money on paper plates until I lost my temper after it couldn’t hold my dinner without it going to the floor.
Anyway, a pieceful day otherwise. The loggers wave at me while I read a book as they drive by. Not sure who hired those men but I guarantee they’re going to wish they didnt. Lol
Okay, gonna walk my dog now :D
- Post starter
- #3,966
littleoc
VIP Member
Sorry, I really am in a good mood and it really is a pieceful day! Loggers being here is very annoying and my mom’s situation annoys me and in general I am not feeling good enough in any way way at all, but it takes work to get somewhere good so I’m just waiting for that and I can survive just fine in the meantime, especially with this place to rant in so I can continue being happy everywhere else. :)
Have peaceful days, you guys!
Have peaceful days, you guys!
somerandomguy
VIP Member
Oh my God @littleoc. Your college should have a housing office. Talk to them asap. If they can't get housing for you (it's usually not free) they might be able to direct you to someplace that has cheap housing.
Juso
Platinum Member
Hey! ❤ I am so sorry I've been so absent. Your diary was always open in my browser but I never had the time to read through everything.
I just really hope you're gonna be able to move out asap. Gonna think about some possible solutions.
But seriously, that's f*cked up. I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
Man, I wish I could say more but I am so tired now and I really, really need to sleep.
Sending much love and many hugs :hug:
I just really hope you're gonna be able to move out asap. Gonna think about some possible solutions.
This made me cry. God, you've been through so much.
I can't believe America is like that?! I can't believe people don't have health insurance? This is insane. I am only studying in the Netherlands and they already forcefully registered me at a health insurance that I don't even need?
But seriously, that's f*cked up. I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
I had D-sized boobs once too, but then I got off the pill and thankfully they got smaller again!! Now they hurt way less!! ?
Man, I wish I could say more but I am so tired now and I really, really need to sleep.
Sending much love and many hugs :hug:
Kubash16
VIP Member
I agree with SRG about using the college for housing. Like he said, it’s not free. But, you can get aid and/or scholarships for it. Plus, with your difficulties (TBI and such) they may have additional financial or other support you can utilize.
About the insurance. I know the Marketplace insurance sucks (had one of the plans and didn’t cover much) but it’s something. Have you applied? Given your income level I can imagine it giving it to you free (Medicaid most likely) or very, very low cost. When I worked at one of their call centers there were several people who were able to get insured for $10-20 bucks a month because of the subsidies.
About the insurance. I know the Marketplace insurance sucks (had one of the plans and didn’t cover much) but it’s something. Have you applied? Given your income level I can imagine it giving it to you free (Medicaid most likely) or very, very low cost. When I worked at one of their call centers there were several people who were able to get insured for $10-20 bucks a month because of the subsidies.
MrMoonlight
VIP Member
That sounds like a decent alternative even if it's for half of each year, living at the university that is. Is that a possibility maybe? Were you able to fix the smoke detector? That would be your only warning in that building, I mean, I am so scared for you in there. The smoke detector is the only thing that saved me and my family. In your mom's house, it's going to be really hard to exit, It really makes me sick to think about. Do you have any type of plan if say a fire started in the kitchen? Like what door or window you could exit, same for your mom. Fire extinguishers are a good idea.
Hope you are doing well littleoc. :hug:
Sorry, I just worry.
Hope you are doing well littleoc. :hug:
Sorry, I just worry.
- Post starter
- #3,971
littleoc
VIP Member
I’ll get back to yall later, I really need to vent.
I finally got pissed off enough about the state of my mom’s stupid bathroom and decided to clean it out. So far, one SMSLL cabinet = one or two FULL trash bags. Full of stuff from when I was a toddler, found my dad’s Israeli cosmetics, some lice killer from when I was ten, my mom’s collection of f*cking hotel soaps, you f*cking name it.
I then, under the sink, after cleaning out one full trash bag of shit, I find this.
See that? That’s right. That’s a bucket of water. Under a leaky pipe. That have both been sitting there, unreachable, for AT LEAST 22 YEARS.
NO ONE TOLD ME I NEEDED A f*ckING GAS MASK.
I finally got pissed off enough about the state of my mom’s stupid bathroom and decided to clean it out. So far, one SMSLL cabinet = one or two FULL trash bags. Full of stuff from when I was a toddler, found my dad’s Israeli cosmetics, some lice killer from when I was ten, my mom’s collection of f*cking hotel soaps, you f*cking name it.
I then, under the sink, after cleaning out one full trash bag of shit, I find this.
See that? That’s right. That’s a bucket of water. Under a leaky pipe. That have both been sitting there, unreachable, for AT LEAST 22 YEARS.
NO ONE TOLD ME I NEEDED A f*ckING GAS MASK.
But Hero Of The Day Award goes to.... You, super clearly :)
With all of that clean up effort.
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