Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Makes sense that my sister is now neglecting the cat who has PTSD. Neglecting both of her cats. Just leaves them in one room all day, doesn’t even talk to them anymore. Says it’s because her husband suddenly revealed he hated cats, but she’s an adult.

I’m trying to move out so I can adopt them. I need to get somewhere stable.

 

[littleoc]

My mom left the towels all around the toilet. Y’all tell me something. When a toilet overflows, do you f*cking leave towels around it for days at a time and then yell at your adult kid that it’s “just water”? I deep clean the bathroom and that’s the thanks I get. Dirty disgusting towels everywhere and mocked for getting triggered by a scary event.

She got all defensive and said “I’m not contaminated” as if OCD would be cured suddenly, and she hadn’t even washed her hands. And you know what? If i don’t want my one pair of perfectly clean pajamas touched, I shouldn’t have to justify myself. I agouldnt have to say that I was afraid she’d drop them. I just wanted to go to bed. It’s already challenge to figure out which bathroom you should go in when I’m in the shower. Just don’t touch anything, it’s not that hard. I don’t mock you for anything, why do you mock me?

 

[littleoc]

And every single time I get depressed, she gets insecure that I don’t like her. Bitch, I can’t even get over my dad and he doesn’t even like me. I resent the f*ck out of both of you at this point but I don’t f*cking hate you. Why the f*ck would I hate the only parent that actually liked me? Just leave me alone. For f*cks sake, I don’t want to have to think about you every single time my PTSD or TBI or whatever the f*ck it is this time flares up.

 

[littleoc]

I’m going to throw everything away in the kitchen. I can’t take it anymore. Y’all know the only place to sit on the entire house is in the bird room? My mon’s Desk upstairs hardly counts anymore because of the amount of garbage around it. She doesn’t even use the desk in front of it anymore. She opened a drawer on the side and is using that to hold her laptop. A drawer. A DESK drawer. Like what the f*ck?

I shouldn’t have to be here cleaning shit by myself. I should have had a team and a therapist leading the goddamn thing. I raked for TEN HOURS instead of getting to have a team of five help me. My right knee is so f*cked up right now that I’ve been trying to stay standing all day.

I don’t want my mom living in this disaster but I can’t f*cking be expected to take care of it, okay? I start cleaning the bathroom weekly after spending HOURS deep cleaning it and what do I get? Towels around the toilet for days so I can’t clean it. My OCD is literally telling me that I must die or else something really bad will happen because of this place and I try to fix it and that’s what I’m greeted with.

 

[littleoc]

The couch used to technically have room for two but now it’s completely blocked.

 

[littleoc]

The couch has not been washed at all since my mom used to sleep on it. My brothers and I felt horrible that she had to sleep on a couch for seven years so my little brother staged a sort of intervention (TWICE), we said f*ck our sister for the shit she allowed to be done to us, and we got a new fridge with my grandma’s help and we bought a bed and put it upstairs and cleaned out an entire area.

Now it’s so bad up there that her mattress is falling off the bed because of all the shit the stuffed between it and the railing, I had to move my snake so he wouldn’t be the next neglected-to-death victim because she was blocking the path to his cage (and mistreating him so badly that he HAD FLEAS AND FLEAS DO NOT EAT SNAKE, HER CAT HAD FLEAS AND IT WAS THAT BAD, and she was leaving dead mice in his cage and they smelled horrific), and she covered both vents and access to all windows so it was well above a hundred degrees up there.

How do you live like that? What the actual f*ck? Why make your kids live like that and tell them it was there fault and then buy so many things that you can’t sleep in the bed we bought you? I even put the bedframe together for her. Feels like it doesn’t matter. Just puts hwrsef back in a stupid position and plays victim, it’s all she’s f*cking knows how to do. Victim victim victim. You know where I’d be if I played victim? Definitely not alive, because that pedophile didn’t let me go because I was playing victim. He would have f*cking killed me.

 

[littleoc]

Have i mentioned my sister’s house is not only down the street from Brandi’s old house that I was forced to do sexual favors against my will in, but that my sister’s house is the exact same model as Brandi’s old house? Feel like I cant get away.

 

[littleoc]

I wish someone would hire me. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long. It’s been three months and the only interview I got said they didn’t want Jews in their workplace.

 

[littleoc]

Other one tried to hire me same-day for a job i didn’t apply for, then said my service dog wouldn’t work for the position. I agreed though.

And that stupid apple computer messsed up my chances at several other places. I hate Apple.

 

[littleoc]

Probably need to apply for biology job again. I wonder if I’m overqualified for the types of jobs I’m applying for.

 

[littleoc]

Gotta be something in between though. Wonder if the f*cking zoo is hiring, lol

 

[Freida]

oh hunny. I am so very very sorry you are going thru this. I know how badly you want out of there and wish I could give you some kind of ideas that would help.

You are ENTIRELY justified in being angry. You have been so strong, and worked so hard to escape the mentality you were raised with -- only to get stuck there thru no fault of your own. You WILL get out of there, You WILL get your own place and your own job and be your own person. I have complete faith in your ability to get what you want. Why? Because I can see how far you have come already.

Have you tried the unemployment office? I think they have a division just for people with challenges -- maybe they can help? :hug: