Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Probably where my intense fear of other people suffering on my behalf came from. I hide that I’d been raped for years because I didn’t want to hurt my mom.

My mom responded by being angry that I didn’t tell her. I was forced to tell her against my will. It bothers me so much and I hate that social worker. I was trying to help and save my family, not reveal that I was hurt. Hurt just causes more hurt. I should have never told anyone.

I mean, it’s not like anyone has benefited from knowing. My mom brings pedophile up at painful times. She doesn’t know how to help. She feels she let me down. She feels hurt that I didn’t trust her to tell her. I feel uncomfortable and violated that she knows. The police forced me to do an interview that was horrible and then “lost it” so the pedophile wasn’t arrested as promised: “when he steps foot on American soil again.” Instead he stood in my front yard and instead of me just casually not talking to him, he knew I’d told someone and tried to get him punished.

There was no point in telling anyone. After ten years of EMDR under four different therapists I still can’t get past the same memories. Still can’t talk about dogs getting raped — no one knows that happened and there’s no point telling a therapist because it would ruin her good mood around me. Still can’t get past the thing that happened the third night.

The ONLY thing that happened was that the hospital staff gave me antibotics for “just in case you have an STD/STI” that made me incredibly sick, and then the doctor I had gave me drugs I was allergic to, said I was lying about being allergic, and then refused to do a brain scan to see if I had any damage from my dad, for use in court.

Literally nothing good. And yeah, I got my dad out of the house and somehow didn’t end up in foster care, but for what? To end up living in a house like this? To end up with Brandi telling me I wasn’t allowed to have friends anymore and that I wasn’t interesting without the constant threat of having been murdered? To end up almost dead in a hospital and some plasma donation nurse tell me that people with PTSD are dangerous? I could have avoided that diagnosis.

I don’t fully mean all that. I’m just hurting.

 

[littleoc]

Last thing off my chest. The thoughts of wanting to be anorexic are back, but luckily every time I do research to find out how to do it “safely” I always end up realizing I’ll hurt an organ or twenty. Also, I’m not as sick as true anorexics. When I try, I lose self control within the day. Get crazy with hunger. You know, like a healthier, not ill mind. You can’t just decide to be anorexic. Instinct will stop you. Unless that check goes away for something more important, like friendship or community, which are both perks of eating disorders.

I’ve been dealing with the thoughts for about six months but my mom has been buying me more and more sweet things. She got really freaked out when my nutritionist told me to eat smaller meals, and told me not to overdo it. It made me angry for some reason. But anyway, I gained back all the weight I lost and it’s made me more upset.

I did not care about my weight that way growing up. I was starved and constantly underweight and it took me a long time after my dad was kicked out to gain enough weight. Brandi, who is/was overweight, loved to help with that. Ironically, Brandi’s mom would also starve us. But I gained weight. And right as I did Brandi started hating me and telling me I was fat and ugly and that she liked me better underweight. I couldn’t get myself back to being underweight though.

 

[littleoc]

I went from “literally always hungry and willing to eat the chicken bones in a free school lunch” to “food is gross” and it literally took a head injury to get me to gain weight again. I haven’t told anyone. And I’m not going to. It legitimately doesn’t matter because I’m so OCD about making sure I am taking care of my body and not hurting any organs.

Plus, I don’t feel satisfied unless I overeat. In childhood I was best fed on Thanksgiving when I would overeat. Also Halloween when I could hoard candy and have it for breakfast for a year if I rationed carefully.

 

[littleoc]

That moment when any hunger pain is a trigger and you’re afraid of toilets, and wish you had purposefully let a pedophile go so you could think it was your fault instead of an entire community giving zero shits about anything.

 

[littleoc]

Now I’m upset because I really wanted to go to the synagogue for the holiday today, but with basically two/three hours of sleep it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive.. why am I like this?

I have good news too, I’m just way to exhausted to post. I haven’t stolen anything this year at all though. Got tempted for something today, then got back to my senses and realized I don’t even need a hermit crab shell. I don’t have a hermit crab. So took a few photos of it and moved on.

Would’ve been very easy to steal, too. I bet kids take them a lot. They’re adorable. That’s why I wanted one. It had a snake painted on it. Another had mini googly eyes. So cute. Tiny rewards like “cute” are nice when things don’t feel great.

Things that happen when your first friends outside of siblings are inanimate objects. And a wall. One of the walls in my bedroom was my friend. My dad used to leave me in here for long periods of time as punishment and took away everything I owned. He couldn’t take the walls. Joke’s on him. Lol.

 

[littleoc]

Also I got praised a lot and thanked for sharing about the homeless pregnant lady. It seems I unintentionally followed the Torah on what to do. So now I feel both better and still horrible because I’m still really upset that she was out there at all.

I’m going to make it to the vigil the mosque is doing on Sunday, though, at least. Still debating on whether to bring my dog.

 

[somerandomguy]

With you and hearing you, littleoc. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Thank you. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Ate a ton of sweets (cookies mostly) and some sangria-soaked blueberries for Purim :)

Then thought it’ll be a good idea to get creative. So I took a toy goose I got at Christmas and a really strong, tiny magnet, and created a silly hood ornament for my car. Shoved it right in the middle of the Chevey logo. No regrets.

 

[littleoc]

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

Sorry about the crazy late response, but :hug: :hug: back :)

 

[littleoc]

That's great with the yoga - I think you're actually going to love it. It was extremely scary for me, too, but I found out very quickly that it's an incredibly welcome environment.

I think so too. I invited my friend Scottie to come with me sometime. That might help a bit.

Main problem is that I’m still incredibly weak. It’s very frustrating. A doctor told me to try smiling during the tough parts until my muscles build enough strength. It seems to help a bit.

Not really sure if that’s related to childhood or not. By the time I got to school, I wasn’t in a cage anymore but I wasn’t allowed to leave the living room. P.E. Started and my twin and I couldn’t compete with anyone but toddlers. Don’t really feel like talking about that. Point is, I am frustrated that I’m weak but I’m going to keep trying anyway.

 

[littleoc]

I had D-sized boobs once too, but then I got off the pill and thankfully they got smaller again!! Now they hurt way less!! ?

Maybe I can try that eventually?

Maybe after I get pregnant, if I still can. My body doesn’t seem to know how to work, lol. 9-month long periods, years without periods and growing beards — it’s annoying. Need The hormones. Though I’d be willing to try coming off of them again if I got smaller boobs and maybe even no periods again. That was cool. Lol. Apparently a cancer risk though.