Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[bellbird]

ps. you are beautiful and strong and brave and kind and wonderful.
And this world is so very lucky to have you.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you @bellbird :hug: :hug: You’re too good for us! ?

And right back at you :)

Great luck with your research!!

 

[Freida]

Yes. Call them

You can call your local police non emergency number and ask to talk to an officer about a conversation you had that you fear may be hate crime related. The dispatcher will ask where and when it happened and a brief overview. Basically tell her what you told us. Then she will pass it to an officer who will pretty much have you say it again! :laugh: ya dispatch does most the work. The officer will then decide what to do with the report

And yes...I know this seems like a big deal on your end but for them its just another day at work. That means you don't need to be nervous about calling. Its better to tell them and be wrong than to not say anything and then have something happen. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Makes sense. Thanks, @Freida :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Interesting thing I’ve just noticed: If I have extra normal-stresses in my life, I suddenly get extremely upset about my living situation.

For example, this week I have a five essay project due. Instead of doing it, I’ve been obsessively cleaning, trying to find somewhere I can eat in peace, trying to find somewhere where I can study but also concentrate, trying to figure out if it’s worth getting to the kitchen to cook anything... it’s like I suddenly try to use all my coping skills from undergrad but physically can’t.

Or, maybe normal stresses are making me seek somewhere that feels safe so I can deal with the normal amount of anxiety, but then the house looms over me and the anxiety becomes unhealthy instead of healthy (as in, it should be “motivation to do the project and do it well” but it quickly evolves into “I can’t do anything because I can’t even move to the table if I need a space to write things down”).

There are no writing surfaces. I complained to my mom about that once. She went into my room, turned a bookcase I was trying to get rid of (it sucks) sideways, and then proudly told me she’d found a solution. I have been using it as a place to put water cups and food dishes, but had to stop because of the amount of flies. The way the room is, I can’t use it as a writing surface. So I just keep a black widow on it now.

I applied for living in a f*cking trailer and will ask about tornado safety I guess. I dunno. I know it won’t work out becuse I dont have a job yet SOMEHOW and the deposit could cause me to not have food for around ten weeks, which isn’t a realistic thing to work with. Also, on the application, it said no pets and no “gays” so, yeah. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I asked my friend who went to undergrad with me if fast food is an option for me. I need something.

 

[littleoc]

I’ll be seeing that new therapist again soon I think.

I don’t think I want to talk to my old therapist about this. She was (very accidentally) encouraging me to feel more hopeless, I think. I’m just gonna trust my gut on that one.

I’m hungry and there’s almost no food around here. I reminded my mom again that ive been waiting for her to get food stamps for more than a month now. She made the weird excuse that she “just didn’t know where to go to get them” which is bullshit. She’s just watching Netflix all day, which is fine, but the food stamps application literally takes five minutes. I’m f*cking hungry and I can’t buy food without feeling stressed out.

The Jewish Foundation offers kosher food boxes. I haven’t done it because you have to call them and my mom won’t properly communicate her financial situation. She goes between “you need these 15$ tiny cranes for your bonsai” to “for now on we can’t eat out because I’m running out of money fast.” I can’t take it. It’s stressing me the f*ck out.

My mom is possibly the worst roommate I’ve ever had. No communication skills, gets angry if I bring up problems, weird power dynamics, etc. She’s a good person (mostly, no one is perfect but y’all are less judgemental) but I can’t take it.

 

[littleoc]

I just need more control in my life. I need to be able to plan when there might not be food.

 

[bellbird]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

In other news, I examined my relationship with Brandi trying to determine if I was ever toxic. The answer was “sometimes, and it was understandable at the time given the situations, but if we should learn from it and make sure it never devolves into abuse to you and you try to reason with it again.” If that made sense.

What I mean is that I figured out that I was repsonding to abuse by trying to affirm that Brandi loved me back. Which to me meant being loyal and doing anything she asked, even if I didn’t want to. And then looking for signs that she loved me. I hadn’t learned the lesson yet that’s mixed signals mean no, she doesn’t love you. I was putting in way too much effort. I say that was fine until about the two year mark, when she got WEIRD abusive, started the rapey stuff while telling me I didn’t count so she was still a virgin, and also I started to resent her. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to feel that way, probably because of the “only you can talk to my invisible husband so I need you to translate” thing. I’m not sure where the transition into and out of psychosis was.

My mom made it worse, actually. But that’s okay I guess.

 

[littleoc]

What the last post is about is me trying to determine if I’m ready to start dating again. It’s hard to get over a hot mess that lasted about ten years. I really loved Brandi once. She loved me too, but she was very, very unwell, so even if we hadn’t broken up, it wasn’t going to work any longer than that anyway.

Even if I had told her that I was “lying.”

I just think I did my best to make it a healthy relationship. I wasn’t abusive, and responded well to criticism and requests and negotiations. I liked working as a team. Single life is great because I’ve gained a lot of independence, but I’ve figured out it’s okay to keep that independence when dating again. It’ll just be hard to start over. I’m very worried about thinking I’ve met the right person only for ten more years to go by and it just not work. Probably because I don’t have many real adukts around me.

My grandparents have been married for a long time. 30-40 years? My grandfather has no control in the relationship, though. I don’t want anyone to be more powerful than the other in any of my future relationships. :)

 

[littleoc]

Thanks for the hugs, @bellbird! :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

So when I make goals, i start out with picturing where I want to be. Then I work back from there, focusing on how I achieve that.

When I picture myself moving out, it’s not fun. Everyone hates moving. But, I see myself sitting at a table, with an open kitchen. I cook an entire meal without having to reach to the stove. I have a sink that is empty. I have counters and a drying rack. I put food on a clean plate that I got from the cabinets. I sit and eat at a table.

It’s the “eating at a table” thing I want the most.