Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[bellbird]

Is there room for you to sleep by Dove?

 

[littleoc]

I remember having flashbacks but I can't fully recall all of them. I was afraid, though, and I don't know why.

I do think my brain thinks of child abuse as a topic it's not allowed to talk about, so when people talk about it I get a little weird. It feels the same as trying to talk about Fungus. It just can't.

 

[littleoc]

Oof, no, Dove is the worst roommate, lol. She throws seeds in my face until I wake up. Also her current cage is kept on the mattress in here. I'm fine with my current bed, it's just too small, but so is the one in here. They've been here since we were toddlers!

 

[littleoc]

I hope you're doing well, by the way :)

 

[littleoc]

I'm gonna go on a midnight walk with the pupper. Things will work out.

 

[bellbird]

Things will work out, dude.
Have a good walk with Noofler. Stay safe. And wishing you a restful sleep.
❤

 

[littleoc]

Couldn’t sleep again. Haven’t slept enough for nearly a week. Gonna nap soon and I’m aure taht will help, but man. I’m so dysregulated taht it’s slightly funny.

I realized that I had a dream about what was going to happen to my brother a year ago. I totally saw it coming. It just seemed so unlikely that I thought it was a dream, because when I woke up, he was still alive (don’t freak out, he’s still alive now). I’m not able to talk about it yet. Which is crazy because it’s not exactly traumatic. I guess my heart broke. I don’t know. He’s my twin brother and I grew up believing I would take care of him forever. He had to be taught how to laugh as a toddler. It doesn’t come naturally to him. My dad always said he was just an animal. My dad is worthless. I should have treated him better. At least I’m invited to see him occasionally. And his kids who will probably not be well. I don’t know. I hope they will be well. I’m really tired and I wish I had medical insurance.

 

[littleoc]

My brother is happy and I need to stop worrying. Is that right, or is what I said above right? My brother is very happy but it might cost the happiness of some kids? But that’s actually very normal, isn’t it? That’s what most trauma starts out with. Religion.

 

[littleoc]

It’s gotten to the point that I’m not even sure which trigger started this. I’m really hungry. Food bank it is if I can find one. I bet the lack of sleep made my brain glitch out. I’m good, though. Just need to take the cat who smells like a corpse to the vet today. He’s still alive. And well. That wound just smells bad enough to stink up a whole room. Surely I’ll be regulated after this.

I liked your joke a lot, by the way, @LuckiLee! Sorry for the delayed response.

 

[littleoc]

I am doing okay ?? (yes, really! A little dysregulation never ruined no body.)

 

[Freida]

So reading between the lines..... you are worried about your brother because of kids? he has kids? Or in the future kids?
If it's future kids it might help that what people say pre-kids and what they say after-kids is completely different. So the things you are worried about today may not be there tomorrow.

You get kudos for knowing that you are disregulated! Seriously - that's a huge thing. It helps you keep perspective on what is really happening and what is ptsd-speak.

yes -- food bank!
Have you talked to your rabbi? He might have ideas on where you can get help....

 

[littleoc]

No. I’m sorry, I’ll explain when I can. He’s physically okay, though, don’t worry.

Thanks for kudos :) I’ll ask. The food bank isn’t giving out food today. They said something about Fridays. I probably should have written it down. Something about the Methodist church.