Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Okay, true. I just am worried I’ll lose my optimistic self and start thinking the world owes me, like my mom does. Hopefully that’s just not in my nature.

Also @somerandomguy I forgot to answer you. I’m considering a roommate, but I might need more distance for a bit. Not positive yet though. But a large part of it is my reptiles and the bird. People (friends I chat with) tell me they wouldn’t be comfortable rooming with me in random conversations simply because of my animals, and obviously I respect that (even if it has nothing to do with what we’re talking about...). My friend Scottie would be willing, though, and he lives with his mom so doesn’t pay rent. He was joking he could empty out his dad’s second bedroom, which is where he keeps his hoard.

Although that would be cheaper to rent a room and it’d be with someone who’s chill, I’m not sure I want to live next to another hoarder. Plus Scottie's dad has my dad’s personality. Significantly less evil, mind you, but he does constant try to get my approval when I visit, give me gifts, and barge in to talk to me when I’m visiting. I don’t mind any of that normally, but I might if I live so close to him that I couldn’t get away, lol.

I’m checking around occasionally though. Someone might not care.

 

[Freida]

I think you are on the right track --- figuring out your options and making a plan. But yea, depression would make sense because the more you plan for your future the more you see what you are leaving. And that sucks.

I don't think the reptile thing is a deal breaker. Ok, well maybe for me! LOL but I think you will be surprised that you will find someone who doesn't mind pretty easily.

Oh - get on the low income lists asap -- sometimes the wait can be long. If you don't end up needing it you can always let it go when one comes up.

 

[siniang]

I don’t even know if there’s a point. Will moving out even help anything?

YES!

Many many years ago in my mid-20s I made the decision to move out of the house I was living in at the time. I had an entire 2 BR apartment to myself. I didn't have to pay rent. It was in a nice area of the city, close to everything and campus, yet quiet. It was quite comfortable. I was sharing the house with my grandparents in two separate apartments. It's their property.

Every person around me didn't understand my move. Including my grandparents. They thought I was stupid. Childish. Why would I want to move away from family. From such a comfortable and economically preferable situation? Moving out would not only mean downsizing quite substantially, but also that I would spent absolutely every cent of my measly part-time job as a student on rent and would actually even need to rely on some financial support from my parents.

It was the absolute best decision I could make at the time.

It came after years of mental suffering. The situation with my grandparents was extremely taxing. Every attempt to change the situation, at least talk with them and make them realize how it really affected me were futile.

I needed that distance (despite not being a real literal distance, we're talking mere couple miles here), even if it ment all those other sacrifices. But it was the only way to save my sanity at the time.

(a couple years later I moved back in, but not alone and I guess me actually really going through with moving out in the first place made them wake up at least a little bit and allowed me to set some much needed boundaries - and yes, there were times when I still regretted it afterwards).

There's never right timing or circumstances. Not every decision is sensible. But sometimes it's really important to follow the gut, urges, even against better knowledge.

And for what it's worth: I'd move in with your animals in an instance!!! ????

 

[littleoc]

:) :) :) :D

 

[littleoc]

On another note, a friend I made at the synagogue is a social worker, turns out, and knows a lot about low income housing. She told me to call her if I need any help.

At the risk of sounding silly to you guys, I’m just going to say that it’s really interesting to see the pieces were coming together all along and I was unable to see it. (Because they were pieces to a solution I didn’t know I had yet.) So I guess my prayers WERE being answered but I was literally incapable of seeing it. Yet without the frustration of that I probably wouldn’t have gotten it figured out. Weird.

I know there’s technically no meaning in anything — that’s just how humans like to see things. But being a human, I like to find meaning and narrative, so.

My dad and Brandi hating religion has really changed me in a weird way. Oh, well. I probably don’t look less intelligent by saying how it feels. If I do then maybe I should ignore those opinions. Confusing.

 

[littleoc]

I’ve also decided that I’d like to loose the weight I gained by living here. That will probably make my mom “accuse” me (by which I just mean my mom gets paranoid easily; must be something from her past, not my business) of being anorexic again, but I know I’m not. I’ll write out a plan to loose around 40 pounds, maybe? Although that would put me at 105 pounds so maybe i should simultaneously plan to gain muscle weight.

The stress of living here definitely contributes to the extra weight. Luckily it’s not bad, and I’m not convinced it makes me ugly or anything, but I’d feel more comfortable if I could lose it. My breasts are about fourteen pounds each, so looks like I’ll need to figure out how to get them down. They’re causing me a lot of problems. They might actually weigh more now. I should figure that out.

The cafe is offering health insurance so I can go back to see my nutritionist and both physical therapists. That will help.

 

[littleoc]

One thing I could start doing is ignoring my mom’s and sister’s pressure to eat foods I don’t want to eat. Particularly ice cream, cake, dessert breads, and alcohol. If I say I don’t want to eat something, they won’t leave it alone for thirty minutes or longer, and will show me what I’m missing out on as they eat it (asking me if I want a bite. I mean).

My sister is acting somewhat immature lately. She would have benefited from going to a university. My grandparents didn’t offer to pay her education, though. She’s not dumb or anything. But she hangs around people who are, and she has started mentioning to EVERYONE in public that I’m gay, because she discovered she’s “a little gay” (bisexual). Explains why she kept joking about taking Brandi from me, I guess. But if there’s one thing I HATE it’s being automatically defined by my sexuality. Or gender/sex, for that matter. Which is why I don’t go introducing myself as gay to people I don’t know. I’m proud, yes, but not so proud that it affects my entire life, you know?

My sister is a spinning image of my mom. If I bring this up with her, she’ll say I’m at fault. I thought maybe she would have grown up a little from when she literally got me sent to a hospital, but maybe not.

Then again, my sister didn’t have to deal with the same things I did, I guess. I dunno. I felt like I was forcing the friendship to work between us. I feel like I have to keep secrets from her because she talks behind my back with my mom. But she’s gotten much better about that if it’s something serious.

Not perfect though. For example, if I talk about how my mom wants to live in her hoard, my sister says strange things like “imagine if your dad, a hoarder, saw her now.” Yes, because the abuser who probably helped trigger the problem is someone we should bring into this. Yet if I try to get my mom help, my sister downplays it to keep our mother from getting too upset.

My sister’s son is cool though. I’m a little worried about him because his dad had alcohol and anger issues that my sister wants to keep around so she won’t have to get a full time job (so she can be with her son more, not because she’s lazy), and she keeps making him perfect for pictures. She won’t let him have fun sometimes because she wants to get picture of him doing something. It’s honestly very strange. Dude was terrified of a sparkler on the 4th, and instead of showing him how fun it was and having a moment with him, she started getting upset and made him hold it so she could get a picture. It wasn’t that bad on her son or anything — he figured it out and wasn’t upset or anything — but I can certainly tell that this will cause issues later.

 

[littleoc]

On top of all that, my sister is still saying very ignorant things, all the time. She convinced my mom to buy a useless supplement for her neuropathy, she keeps saying I must be a man deep down because I like women but also that if I become a man she’ll hate that because she wants a sister and not be three brothers, etc. It’s really, really frustrating.

 

[Freida]

On top of all that, my sister is still saying very ignorant things, all the time. She convinced my mom to buy a useless supplement for her neuropathy, she keeps saying I must be a man deep down because I like women but also that if I become a man she’ll hate that because she wants a sister and not be three brothers, etc. It’s really, really frustrating.

wow. just. wow.

 

[littleoc]

That awkward moment when your twin brother asks you to pick sides between him or your little brother who was born so soon after you that he’s basically a triplet.

Noooooope.

 

[littleoc]

Also I found a clinic that only charges $99 for medical care. The nurses up front acted like I was an inconvenience and told me they wouldn’t let me see a doctor unless I provided paperwork for the dog, so that was awkward. Wasn’t their fault, but someone in management will hear from me soon and hopefully care. But the doctor in the back was awesome and I got antibiotics for cheap, so. No biggie.

I’d explain what happened because it’s mildly humorous but I’m kind of done dealing with things for the moment. I’m hoping my brothers don’t block each other but I’ve said all I can without enabling anyone or actually getting involved in the conflict. So. I’m out ??

 

[littleoc]

I start my job on Wednesday. I’m looking forward to it :)