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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally
- Post starter littleoc
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- #4,790
littleoc
VIP Member
A toilet scared me so bad that I’m still awake five hours (almost six now..) later and needed my dog to lay on me.
Just, why... why toilets? Lol.
Thought I’d talk about it here to get it off my mind. Then I’ll talk about two dreams I had that are still troubling me. That should free me up for some Zzz’s :)
I’ll do it in a couple different post because I’m on my mobile and Apple is kind of crap and can’t handle too much post in a post at once, lol
Just, why... why toilets? Lol.
Thought I’d talk about it here to get it off my mind. Then I’ll talk about two dreams I had that are still troubling me. That should free me up for some Zzz’s :)
I’ll do it in a couple different post because I’m on my mobile and Apple is kind of crap and can’t handle too much post in a post at once, lol
- Post starter
- #4,791
littleoc
VIP Member
Here’s what happened:
I decided to clean my mom’s toilet before I showered tonight (my nightly ritual is to take a shower before bed to wash off anything “bad,” to prevent nightmares which, according to my irrational OCD reasoning, will prevent me from dreaming something negative about someone that would result in their death or other bad event). (My OCD brain is already a little convinced that my mom’s health was somehow my fault despite literally 100% of the logical, rational evidence saying that’s impossible. I happened to be working on my last remaining OCD symptoms when my mom’s health deteriorated. I know logically that it was a coincidence, and that I saw evidence of heart failure like a eight months ago and therefore recent things didnt affect her. I’m working on it.)
Anyway. I was cleaning my mom’s toilet because she physically cannot. I got it as beautiful as it can be. It’s original to the house, though (1970) so it doesn’t work great. Bowl has to fill up nearly to the top every time it’s flushed, and no matter how many times I’ve taken the system in the tank apart and replaced parts, it won’t flush correctly. (Probably a blocked pipe, because the pipe that keeps the air pressure normal seems to be working fine and remains unclogged. I’m not a plumber though, so I don’t know. Also I’m terrified of pipes so that’s not gonna happen anyway. I’m still pretty convinced it’s the new-ness of one of the parts that’s causing the problem (not putting enough water into the tank for the thing to flush, since it needs like a whole flipping gallon in the bowl, but I dunno.) So I avoid this toilet with a passion, generally. The posibility of it overflowing for no reason, and then not flushing all the way EVER, terrifies me.
I cleaned the bowl and put a tiny bit of solution into the tank to clean out the little flows. Added extra water to the tank to force it to act like it was overflowing so it would add force to the flush and so all the water would empty into the drain (this toilet needs replacing, goddamn). When I flushed it, it did what I wanted. I was standing like five feet away just in case.
Then suddenly made a huge sucking sound, and instead of doing a normal swirl and flush, all the water just FLEW down that drain.
I’m guessing the solution I used dissolved something biological but holy Moses did that scare the f*ck out of me :(
And, no, I still have no idea why toilets scare me so much. I wish I did so I could work on it.
I clean toilets at work now. I’m rather happy I can. I do get anxiety if they make even the slightest sound though.
I decided to clean my mom’s toilet before I showered tonight (my nightly ritual is to take a shower before bed to wash off anything “bad,” to prevent nightmares which, according to my irrational OCD reasoning, will prevent me from dreaming something negative about someone that would result in their death or other bad event). (My OCD brain is already a little convinced that my mom’s health was somehow my fault despite literally 100% of the logical, rational evidence saying that’s impossible. I happened to be working on my last remaining OCD symptoms when my mom’s health deteriorated. I know logically that it was a coincidence, and that I saw evidence of heart failure like a eight months ago and therefore recent things didnt affect her. I’m working on it.)
Anyway. I was cleaning my mom’s toilet because she physically cannot. I got it as beautiful as it can be. It’s original to the house, though (1970) so it doesn’t work great. Bowl has to fill up nearly to the top every time it’s flushed, and no matter how many times I’ve taken the system in the tank apart and replaced parts, it won’t flush correctly. (Probably a blocked pipe, because the pipe that keeps the air pressure normal seems to be working fine and remains unclogged. I’m not a plumber though, so I don’t know. Also I’m terrified of pipes so that’s not gonna happen anyway. I’m still pretty convinced it’s the new-ness of one of the parts that’s causing the problem (not putting enough water into the tank for the thing to flush, since it needs like a whole flipping gallon in the bowl, but I dunno.) So I avoid this toilet with a passion, generally. The posibility of it overflowing for no reason, and then not flushing all the way EVER, terrifies me.
I cleaned the bowl and put a tiny bit of solution into the tank to clean out the little flows. Added extra water to the tank to force it to act like it was overflowing so it would add force to the flush and so all the water would empty into the drain (this toilet needs replacing, goddamn). When I flushed it, it did what I wanted. I was standing like five feet away just in case.
Then suddenly made a huge sucking sound, and instead of doing a normal swirl and flush, all the water just FLEW down that drain.
I’m guessing the solution I used dissolved something biological but holy Moses did that scare the f*ck out of me :(
And, no, I still have no idea why toilets scare me so much. I wish I did so I could work on it.
I clean toilets at work now. I’m rather happy I can. I do get anxiety if they make even the slightest sound though.
- Post starter
- #4,792
littleoc
VIP Member
So the two dreams that are bothering me. One of them makes sense, but the other one doesn’t. The one that doesn’t is weird because it’s a recurring nightmare I have of a memory, but this one is so different (they are usually exactly the same every time) that I don’t know what to make of it.
The first dream, though, is about Brandi again. I believe what triggered the dream was suddenly wondering how she is. In a neutral way. I was talking to Scottie about how relieved I am that she moved to another state, but then without thinking about it I blurted out, “I wonder if she’ll show up to the high school reunion. I’m planning on going to that. But I’m worried that if I see Brandi, the trauma bonding will come back and I’ll love her too much again.”
I discovered it as I said it. I wasn’t aware I was worried about it earlier. But I guess it makes sense — I was so attached to her because of trauma bonding, and it make it so that after I broke up with her the first time, I ended up enduring some of the worst abuse I’d ever dealt with, ever. (It felt like it, anyway.)
And Brandi was always talking about how she hated her ex (from middle school, lol) but then her ex ended up asking if she could talk to her again.
Still can’t believe she cheated on me, With her ex from middle school, while I was in a foreign country. Wild. Middle school. And then expected me to go along with it and accept it. Bitch, it’s not polyamory if you’re doing it behind someone’s back...
Anyway. The dream I had was of randomly meeting Brandi somewhere. I saw her and avoided her, like in the last dream I had like this.
But then she came up to me and said, “So you’re not even going to talk to me? Do I mean nothing to you?”
I told her she meant the world to me once, and might still to Fungus.
She asked me if Fungus was real.
I became overwhelmed. I was afraid to say no. (This event happened in real life. After a year of acting like her invisible husband wasn’t real, and believing she finally outgrew it and we could move on, she suddenly asked me over the phone if he was real again. I panicked and said yes. The last time I’d said no, I spent a week/month being constantly scared.) So I told Brandi that Fungus was real.
The rest of the dream was me being forced to follow Brandi around, help her talk to other classmates from high school, and me being depressed and overwhelmed that this was happening again.
It makes sense that this dream would bother me a week later. Being a personal slave to this girl was one of the worst things that ever happened to me.
There was this period of a year where I legitimately thought I was free of it all and Brandi and I could just be friends. (Or significant others. It was complicated that year.) I got excited right at the end of it and started writing stories that were all mine. It really messed me up to have to end up sucked back in. I felt so much guilt, thinking I was messing her up. And that I needed to do this for her. I had no idea she’d manipulated me into it at this point.
My brain still worries about that. It makes sense. We want to never be in that situation again. A normal dream, all things considered.
The first dream, though, is about Brandi again. I believe what triggered the dream was suddenly wondering how she is. In a neutral way. I was talking to Scottie about how relieved I am that she moved to another state, but then without thinking about it I blurted out, “I wonder if she’ll show up to the high school reunion. I’m planning on going to that. But I’m worried that if I see Brandi, the trauma bonding will come back and I’ll love her too much again.”
I discovered it as I said it. I wasn’t aware I was worried about it earlier. But I guess it makes sense — I was so attached to her because of trauma bonding, and it make it so that after I broke up with her the first time, I ended up enduring some of the worst abuse I’d ever dealt with, ever. (It felt like it, anyway.)
And Brandi was always talking about how she hated her ex (from middle school, lol) but then her ex ended up asking if she could talk to her again.
Still can’t believe she cheated on me, With her ex from middle school, while I was in a foreign country. Wild. Middle school. And then expected me to go along with it and accept it. Bitch, it’s not polyamory if you’re doing it behind someone’s back...
Anyway. The dream I had was of randomly meeting Brandi somewhere. I saw her and avoided her, like in the last dream I had like this.
But then she came up to me and said, “So you’re not even going to talk to me? Do I mean nothing to you?”
I told her she meant the world to me once, and might still to Fungus.
She asked me if Fungus was real.
I became overwhelmed. I was afraid to say no. (This event happened in real life. After a year of acting like her invisible husband wasn’t real, and believing she finally outgrew it and we could move on, she suddenly asked me over the phone if he was real again. I panicked and said yes. The last time I’d said no, I spent a week/month being constantly scared.) So I told Brandi that Fungus was real.
The rest of the dream was me being forced to follow Brandi around, help her talk to other classmates from high school, and me being depressed and overwhelmed that this was happening again.
It makes sense that this dream would bother me a week later. Being a personal slave to this girl was one of the worst things that ever happened to me.
There was this period of a year where I legitimately thought I was free of it all and Brandi and I could just be friends. (Or significant others. It was complicated that year.) I got excited right at the end of it and started writing stories that were all mine. It really messed me up to have to end up sucked back in. I felt so much guilt, thinking I was messing her up. And that I needed to do this for her. I had no idea she’d manipulated me into it at this point.
My brain still worries about that. It makes sense. We want to never be in that situation again. A normal dream, all things considered.
- Post starter
- #4,793
littleoc
VIP Member
Making the second dream a new post to prevent my phone from getting too slow/glitchy.
The second dream was a mix of two recurring dreams I have, but with a weird thing added do the end that made me question the entire dream.
I haven’t really mentioned either recurring dream in this diary yet, so I’ll try to clarify a little.
The two recurring dreams both came from real events. The first was when my sister was in charge of cleaning my mom’s house. She put me in her old room again my will, and long story short I ended up hospitalized in an abusive hospital. Feeling trapped in a room far away from everyone else really messed me up. It used to be the room I’d have sleep overs with, with my sister, when I was a younger kid. (Maybe even at the same time as being in a cage in the daytime? I’m not sure.)
The second dream I’m not going to describe yet, but long story short it’s a sexual encounter with the pedophile. But not one that involved dogs.
I really wish I could remember the pedophile encounters in order. PTSD is annoying.
Both recurring nightmares were fused into one, and it felt like my brain was trying to make them positive. (Bolded so I can find it to discuss with my therapist later.) Maybe because of Yom Kippur. Brains make no sense.
So the dream. I had it last night. Well, yesterday. It started off as a “you’re trapped in the old garage and it’s your sisters room” dream. Except this time, instead of a cot or my toddler-size mattress being transported down there, my sister’s old bed was downstairs. It had the sheets on it that I remember from when I was a kid. It was a full sized bed. (My twin sized bed I’ve have since I was a toddler is too small for me right now.) My brain said I was very happy about this, because it meant I no longer had to worry about affording a new bed. It felt positive instead of negative. I even considered moving down there completely to feel more by myself on purpose. It felt like my brain was trying to find a solution to my tiny bed, in a cluttered room.
Then the pedophile dream started, but instead of it being in his bedroom, it was in that room on that new bed I didn’t have to buy (as in, the setting from the full sized bed scene didn’t change.). And instead of the pedophile, it was that dude from high school who used to sexually harass people, but who recently sent me a message apologizing about it and I forgave him already. (He’s a good guy.) He was mixed with a gay man I work with now. To be clear, I’m very gay and not attracted to these men in the slightest. No idea why my brain did this, other than to maybe distance myself from the pedo?
The rest of the dream followed exactly like my nightmares with pedo. He undresses me, does some oral sex, insists he loves me, and asks me if I’m curious about his penis. Then he has a “gentle” ejaculation even though I’m barely touching him and then he talks to me about music.
Only, in this version of the dream, I didn’t feel like any age (usually I’m definitely a pre-pubescent child), though I did feel pressured and like I couldn’t think of an alternate path again. But it didn’t feel negative in this dream, despite it almost always being that way in the recurring nightmare.
I did wake up feeling extremely disturbed, though. In the dream, I was ageless but in modern times, so I became ashamed of being with a dude when I wanted to marry a woman, and I was going to try to hide it, I guess? And then come here to “confess” that I might be straight and was somehow wrong or even lying about being gay?
Brandi accused me of being a straight person who was only confused because I’d been raped before. Maybe the end of the dream was related do that?
It was very weird. Though it was nice to not have to see the pedo in my dreams for once, despite the disturbing content of the dream that my brain threw in there anyway. But now it’s not in my head anymore, so maybe I’ll be able to sleep :)
The second dream was a mix of two recurring dreams I have, but with a weird thing added do the end that made me question the entire dream.
I haven’t really mentioned either recurring dream in this diary yet, so I’ll try to clarify a little.
The two recurring dreams both came from real events. The first was when my sister was in charge of cleaning my mom’s house. She put me in her old room again my will, and long story short I ended up hospitalized in an abusive hospital. Feeling trapped in a room far away from everyone else really messed me up. It used to be the room I’d have sleep overs with, with my sister, when I was a younger kid. (Maybe even at the same time as being in a cage in the daytime? I’m not sure.)
The second dream I’m not going to describe yet, but long story short it’s a sexual encounter with the pedophile. But not one that involved dogs.
I really wish I could remember the pedophile encounters in order. PTSD is annoying.
Both recurring nightmares were fused into one, and it felt like my brain was trying to make them positive. (Bolded so I can find it to discuss with my therapist later.) Maybe because of Yom Kippur. Brains make no sense.
So the dream. I had it last night. Well, yesterday. It started off as a “you’re trapped in the old garage and it’s your sisters room” dream. Except this time, instead of a cot or my toddler-size mattress being transported down there, my sister’s old bed was downstairs. It had the sheets on it that I remember from when I was a kid. It was a full sized bed. (My twin sized bed I’ve have since I was a toddler is too small for me right now.) My brain said I was very happy about this, because it meant I no longer had to worry about affording a new bed. It felt positive instead of negative. I even considered moving down there completely to feel more by myself on purpose. It felt like my brain was trying to find a solution to my tiny bed, in a cluttered room.
Then the pedophile dream started, but instead of it being in his bedroom, it was in that room on that new bed I didn’t have to buy (as in, the setting from the full sized bed scene didn’t change.). And instead of the pedophile, it was that dude from high school who used to sexually harass people, but who recently sent me a message apologizing about it and I forgave him already. (He’s a good guy.) He was mixed with a gay man I work with now. To be clear, I’m very gay and not attracted to these men in the slightest. No idea why my brain did this, other than to maybe distance myself from the pedo?
The rest of the dream followed exactly like my nightmares with pedo. He undresses me, does some oral sex, insists he loves me, and asks me if I’m curious about his penis. Then he has a “gentle” ejaculation even though I’m barely touching him and then he talks to me about music.
Only, in this version of the dream, I didn’t feel like any age (usually I’m definitely a pre-pubescent child), though I did feel pressured and like I couldn’t think of an alternate path again. But it didn’t feel negative in this dream, despite it almost always being that way in the recurring nightmare.
I did wake up feeling extremely disturbed, though. In the dream, I was ageless but in modern times, so I became ashamed of being with a dude when I wanted to marry a woman, and I was going to try to hide it, I guess? And then come here to “confess” that I might be straight and was somehow wrong or even lying about being gay?
Brandi accused me of being a straight person who was only confused because I’d been raped before. Maybe the end of the dream was related do that?
It was very weird. Though it was nice to not have to see the pedo in my dreams for once, despite the disturbing content of the dream that my brain threw in there anyway. But now it’s not in my head anymore, so maybe I’ll be able to sleep :)
Freida
VIP Member
Brandi was a nut job.
I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for all the hard work you have done since the brandi days. Yes - you may see her again. yes, you may remember the good parts of being with her and wonder what it would be like to be with her again. That's normal. I think everyone has a bad ex they still think "what if" about. And chances are she hasn't changed at all
What's different is that you have been working your ass off to see that you are able to think "gosh I wonder" without giving her control of you. She can ask you about Fungus and you can say -- "Fungus has moved on" and then Walk Away. You have way more coping techniques than you did when you were with her. You have learned so much about your own value - and she can't take that away from you. She might try, but you won't let her.
You will probably have to face her before you can really know that this is true. But I think when you do it is going to be amazing to see that she is a part of your past that has no hold over you anymore. And best of all? It will make her nuts! :hug:
MrMoonlight
VIP Member
I'm so glad to know you got one and are actively looking for ways to protect yourself. I haven't read the rest but sue hope all has been going well for you. ?
And all the hard work IN the Brandi days. :sneaky:
- Post starter
- #4,797
littleoc
VIP Member
@MrMoonlight :) :hug:
- Post starter
- #4,798
Freida
VIP Member
try calling 211. If you have that in your area then they have all the info you could ever need for social service stuff. If not then you can call your local DSHS office - they can do the paperwork to get you the ACA stuff. If that doesn't work let me know and I'll keep thinking :hug:
- Post starter
- #4,800
littleoc
VIP Member
Trying it more later, got some phone numbers tho, thank you
Went to a doctor anyway, might have just been a gallbladder attack. All good
Went to a doctor anyway, might have just been a gallbladder attack. All good
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