Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I can totally relate to this. I remember that while waitressing, I wasn't good enough no matter how hard I tried, just because my memory was/is so bad, because people I had to be nice to were rude or sexist, because my brain couldnt deal with all the sounds and lights, because some of my coworkers hated me for no reason and talked shit about me behind my back. I had nightmares about it and was also constantly run down by my boss. I felt a lot of shame, so hearing you say "I deserve to be treated like someone who's actually trying" made me feel relieved, because you put something into words that I didn't have words for before.

Thanks. It really helps to have some validation on my end, too. I'm sorry you had to deal with it, though.

I guess since sociopaths aren't born sociopathic, its possible that they still have "human" parts in them that we can relate to. Those parts are probably just very weak and almost invisible.

Probably. I've been fighting worrying about it all week. My dad's birthday was yesterday. I'm hoping he isn't secretly heartbroken that none of his kids cared to message him.

It's really bothering me.

I understand, and I'm sorry.

Thank you ♥

 

[littleoc]

Sorry for the very late reply, by the way; I made a new friend but this friend is triggering me constantly. I'm too tired to explain.

I've been saying that a lot lately. I'm mostly overwhelmed by all the thoughts I have. A lot going on. Too much to explain at 5am when I haven't slept yet.

I need better boundaries with my mom.

 

[littleoc]

Correction: I need the strength to call my mom out when she purposefully pushes at my boundaries as if she's testing to see if I love her or will get mad, which triggers my PTSD. Which I think I have made very clear.

 

[littleoc]

I wish I even knew how to explain... Maybe I can try soon. Not right now. Realistically I think it would be easier if I began with a scenario that happened recently, as an example, which might help me talk about it better.

Anyway, the reason I'm here right now. I found this article about feral children that made me feel validated and not so alone.

Feral Children

In short, it says that feral children who were supposedly raised by animals are not idiots who think they are animals, but are often profoundly disabled children or unwanted children who are abandoned and *sometimes* discovered alongside animals. Most the stories are made up. They often have serious attachment issues that can look foreign to people raised by regular people.

I took this to mean that people who acted like it was surprising that I act "so human" were being rude. People who encouraged me to embrace that I was less human were assholes. I've gotten to the point in my life now where I can say "I am a human" and it only feels a little weird.

But I can also quit speculating about whether my mom's presence saved me or not. It doesn't matter. I was never going to believe I was a cat, because I have a human brain and human brains are capable of telling the difference between a human and a nonhuman. Also, as I take care of multiple cats still, I know that I don't think like one. I may be facial blind, but I don't assume my animals are strangers if I don't see them for a while and forget what they look like. I have human intelligence.

The lucky part is that I don't have a low IQ. Not that it matters anyway. This article made me realize that wouldn't have effected my situation like I thought it would. If my cousin with Down's had been in my situation, though, she'd have had a hard time, but recovered, just like I have.

My heart hurts for baby and it's an unfamiliar feeling that has left me feeling a little disturbed. My siblings and I were dealt an unfair hand, though, that's all. We didn't narrowly avoid becoming animal-people. The fact that smelling cat food while giving my cats cat food sometimes triggers a hunger response is also not because of anything other than trauma.

Oh, I kept a log and found that I only stole one thing in 2019, and that technically wasn't theft. It was a half eaten bag of chips I found in the trash. I assume I'm dying if I feel a little hungry, I guess. So, success :) What helped me, personally, was not wanting to cause more ripples of negativity in the world. Embarrassed to say that I'm not sure yet if it will work long term, but I am doing my best. Very hard to do while struggling to pay only for the basic and having to use loans to do so.

Time for bed.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, also, I was right about my psychiatrist. I was finally able to see her for an appointment -- she didn't cancel for the first time since July of last year, I think it was. She told me she was diagnosed breast cancer in April and was initially doing okay until she suddenly got very ill repeatedly for months. She is okay now, though. I didn't try to ask for any medication adjustments. As it it, I have been putting off picking up my normal meds for two weeks now, almost three. I'm using up my backup supply though and will need to make room in my schedule soon.

Have also relapsed into a few bad coping strategies lately. I've chosen not to worry about it nor judge myself. Instead I called them treats and decided I'll re-align myself in February, which gives me three days, about, to readjust. That makes it much easier.

 

[somerandomguy]

My dad's birthday was yesterday. I'm hoping he isn't secretly heartbroken that none of his kids cared to message him.

I know it's hard to say this, but so what? A guy who keeps his kids in cages doesn't have the right to be sad when they don't acknowledge his birthday.

People who encouraged me to embrace that I was less human were assholes.

Agreed! You are fully human!

Oh, I kept a log and found that I only stole one thing in 2019

That's great!!

Embarrassed to say that I'm not sure yet if it will work long term, but I am doing my best.

That's all you can do.
:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Agreed! You are fully human!

Thank you :D

That's great!!

And thank you!!

Hugs back :hug:

 

[Freida]

A guy who keeps his kids in cages doesn't have the right to be sad when they don't acknowledge his birthday.

Seconding that!

And hun - there was never a question in my mind that you were fully and completly human. I knew that way back when you were talking about how you were going hungry so your littlets sibling could eat the last of the food. That's something that takes a lot of compassion and love -- plus thought because you had to think it out to know he was in trouble at your young age. So ya -- fully human since day one :hug:

 

[littleoc]

@Freida Thank you :):hug:

 

[littleoc]

I still haven’t made it to a doctor. I need to apply for the local government health insurance. My case worker says he’s not allowed to assist me with it.

My therapist asked me for homework to write down everything that triggers my OCD because we’ve put off talking about it for long enough.

But a lot keeps happening. I panicked over a nurse coming to our house to help my aunt fix her IV. My mom started talking in a nasty tone to me right in front of Scottie. Triggered a lot.

Still anxious but at least the nurse helped with the IV and didn’t question if the amount of clutter was dangerous.

It’s a long story. I haven’t slept yet and I ate foods that I should not have so im rather anxious. And that’s okay.

I am cuddled with a cat. My mom got disability and SSI finally so I just need to show her my detailed budget and help set reminders. Bill Days. I’m thinking the 20th is good.

Nope wait i was trying to think of present, relaxing thoughts. Cat is cuddly. Would y’all like a picture?

 

[littleoc]

It’s normal for impulsive behavior to get worse when overwhelmed but I still find it confusing and distressing. I feel that I’m an intelligent conscious thing strapped into an animal’s existence? Do other people experience this or...?

In other news: Snow!!!!! It is gorgeous :D

 

[littleoc]

Happy February by the way!!! One of my favorite months still :)