Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[mumstheword]

Selective mutism is definitely a thing. Your therapist wasn't right about that.

Also, Brandi, was, clearly, from what you've told us, manipulating you, in a, very, nsrcissistic way. You are, no way, evil or bad or wrong. You were just trying to survive a crazy-making situation, using your amazing imagination and story telling gifts and talents, to survive, and make life livable,,as far as I can tell.

Brandi was totally complicit and, played the.victim, in manipulative way, to shame you, guilt you and frighten you, into compliance and submission, is what it sounds like.

It's healthy for you to feel mad about this and to realize that she was treating you in a callous, machiavellian, manipulative manner. And to forgive yourself for not knowing, for being in that situation and for doing what you did to survive it and be the best person you could be, given the craziness of your life, at the time.

You are amazing @littleoc.

And no being gay isn't, by default abusive or any of those things. It's just that some gay people are abusive, just like some straight people are.

Yes, women can be shit to other women, but, certainly, not all gay women are. Just the one's who are.

I've known.absolutely lovely gay women, still do, and lovely gay men. My son is one, and his boyfriend. So, please don't listen to that guy. He's wrong. Even if, statistically, a lot of female relationships are troubled, it still doesn't mean "all gay or lesbian people are inherently abusive" not at all.

There are loads of lovely lesbians in the world and loads of abusive ones, just as there are lovely, and, abusive, straight people.

Relationships are complex and require a significant degree of maturity and self accountability, which anyone can accomplish, with enough desire to cultivate integrity and self and other respect and consideration. It doesn't matter your sexual orientation, it matters your willingness to be honest, kind and humble enough, to yourself and the other.

You, certainly, show considerable ability in that regard.

 

[Freida]

I have lots of gay friends and lots of straight friends. You know the one thing they share? That they all have good people and they all have bad people in their lives. It has nothing to do with who they choose to have sex with. It has to do with what kind of humans they are.

I'm just glad I'm out though.

So am I!

For the entire ten years.

This started when you were still pretty young right? Like right about the time you were being abused?

etting in trouble with my mother who claimed I was forcing people to fall in love with me?

I can't even wrap my mind around this.

I no longer fear I’m evil. I’ve come to terms with the fact that none of this was my fault.

YAY!!!!!!!!!

I’m just worried at the high school reunion in three years, I’ll see her and be confused all over again

Nope. You have already made so much progress -- three more years will have you stadning at the reunion looking at her and thinking... wow. shes insane. Then walking away from her with your head held high

I clearly have a pattern, which I have now recognized and can work my way out of.

yep,
You have a pattern that was born of trauma - it's a pattern that allowed you to survive. And you are right - you can now work your way out.

All of these:

Why was I with someone who regularly called me disgusting and worthless? Why did i date someone who told me I was disgusting for being gay, in a female body and needing to be less female. Is that why she was drawn to me? Because I was uncomfortable in my body too?

That because I was “evil” and “lying” to her and doing this thing to her that no other human in history had ever done to someone or would ever do again, that I deserved her treatment. I just accepted it.

But my sister would bully me (feels like a strong word for this..) and tell me I didn't love her enough if I left, in a joking way almost, but half serious, and tell me I HAD to stay for movies and that I had no choice

Any time I couldn’t do something I’d just think, “that’s okay, anything for Brandi. I don’t mind. Normally this would be bad, but I can’t tell her I’m lying or she’ll die, but I’m a bad person for starting this problem, so it’s okay. She can treat me how she wants. I must accept that she’s entitled to treat me however she wants and I can never be angry about it. Ever.”

But can I say it was Brandi’s fault? Honestly? When we first met, it was going so well.

My job was the same job I had with the pedophile.

were also part of how the pedophile manipulated you in the very beginning. Started out nice, then got worse.
Brandy just took over where he left off.

Which means as a child (yes - you were a child) you were victimized by two psychos. Two of them - using the exact same tools and behaviors to program you into believing there was something wrong with you -- and then they used that against you over and over and over.

But now you are figuring it out. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is them.
Which also means you escaped two -- count them TWO abusive horrible scary people who only wanted to break you for their amusement.

that can only be done by a very, very strong person
Yep - that's you.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, y’all <3

 

[littleoc]

I’m sorry. I’ll reply properly later. There was a thread about a therapist sleeping with a client. I haven’t slept in a while so I’m gonna do that now. Y’all have good days, please ?Stay hydrated, wash your hands, keep lotion handy ~

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Thanks for the hug, man. Y’all have toilet paper there, @somerandomguy? :P

 

[littleoc]

Uuuuuugh that other thread is hard to read. I thought I was the only one. Nice that I’m not.

Anyway. Does everyone have toilet paper??

 

[bellbird]

(((((gentle hugs)))))

I do have toilet paper! Do you?

 

[littleoc]

(((((gentle hugs)))))

:hug:

GOOD!!!! I do but only because I now have four women, three of which are elderly, living under one roof! So I’d gotten enough toilet paper for everyone for a while, because my two aunts were using a roll a day of the good tp and I couldn’t have that!!! So I’d gotten a good amount of the cheap stuff (which they used a lot less for some reason???) so that accidentally worked out amazingly!

 

[somerandomguy]

Plenty of TP here.
More :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I FINALLY HEARD FROM MY FRIEND IN WUHAN, CHINA. He’s fine! He’s more worried about the fact that he heard Americans calling it a “Chinese virus” and the fact that the world has to deal with it now.

Big weight off. Feeling more hopeful again. He said the quarantine was odd at first but everything felt normal soon afterward. Worst part was waiting for food because everything shut down. Some were worried and some became less worried. He hasn’t mentioned if his family is okay or not yet but he seems to be alright enough that I’d guess most of his family is okay.

Still waiting to hear from three more people from China. A busy time for most people, I suppose.

Edit to add: he just let me know he happened to be in Moscow, so that was great timing, in a way!

 

[littleoc]

aww...thanks ninja!

Well here's todays late breaking news. It seems that i may have figured out that anger doesn't have to be justified. huh. who knew?

I can just be pissed off for no reason?
huh.

Also -- It seems I have a tendency to be mad at things, not the people behind him. I was telling her about the tv show that was giving me flashbacks, and she pointed out that I was mad at the show, and the universe. which is fine, she says. But what about the people who cause those flashbacks?

Have more to blah blah about..but will have to wait till am....

???????????????????????????

That’s all, but I’m super glad this is helping you, @Freida