Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

I wonder if I need more sleep.

yes.

how about your diet? Eating healthy food (protein/veggies/fruit) or living on junk food? It has a bigger impact than you might realize

 

[littleoc]

I’ve had to switch to mostly crap food lately. I’ll try to do better by planning in advanced. My family doesn’t take my diet very seriously

 

[littleoc]

I’d like to start this by saying I’m genuinely proud of myself today. I’m dropping the dark stuff but I seriously did awesome and I won’t deny that.

Weird flashbacks all day. I thought a smell was triggering them, but then a friend asked me over text what I was smelling. So I concentrated. It was infection, blood, decay, death, feces, and chlorine. Odd. No way I could actually be smelling that right now. He gave me grounding advice and I followed. Sure enough, it stopped for a while.

I felt embarrassed for texting him so suddenly and scaring him, though. We’d been chatting and then we stopped so we could both work, and then I suddenly started having the flashbacks again. The bad smell, I thought, because I hadn’t realized how improbable that was yet. I said to him I was having bad flashbacks and to please start texting me again, because talking to him made them stop. It’s not like me to send messages like that. To anyone. I was embarrassed. He assured me it’s fine; but I’ll be careful not to make it a habit.

I am also, suddenly, craving pain killers again. Last time I had this happen? Also in this house.

Took a shower just now. Flashback — mildest one ever though. So mild I could tell it right now. I was a child telling my mom I couldn’t breath and I thought I was dying. She told me to wait there and left. Heard her arguing with my dad. I looked in the mirror and told myself I’d be okay; I’d been through worse. She care back looking upset fifteen minutes later. Told me to have a cup of water and just go back to bed. I instantly got worried she didn’t believe me anymore because I said to myself I’d be okay.

Stuff like this and worse all day. All day. To the point I texted someone about it. Only similarity to last time this happened?

I was in this house. Y’all were telling me to move out. Quick.

Methinks losing my job to this outbreak did not help with the PTSD or the OCD. It’s weird because I DO feel safe here now. But I also don’t. I don’t get it.

Something to talk to the therapist about. I don’t know if it’s OCD intrusive thoughts or PTSD flashbacks half the time.

Otherwise, though? Doing great. Got all my homework done — I have an off week and I quarantined myself very well; so I will allow myself one friend, and I will resist asking for a hug for comfort. It’s for everyone, just in case. I care about everyone.

I’m very, very proud of myself today. I got all my work done despite very distressing flashbacks.

The painkiller thing is interesting to me, though. Since this has now happened multiple times. I’ve never had an addiction to pain killers before. I’ve had addictions, but mostly to odd things — over-exercise, cutting (which I have not done at all since 2012!!!!! ? ? ? ), stuff like that. I took pain killers that were prescribed to me only after surgeries as a child and a young adult. (I’m still kind of a young adult, I guess?) The only time I ever took one at a time that wasn’t after surgery was the night I told Brandi I wouldn’t play her games ever again. I was terrified and was using literally everything I had that night.

It’s weird to me because it’s been years since that happened now. Two years. Well, maybe that wasn’t THAT long ago... but hey.

I see I was upset this time of year last year as well. It is technically a tiny anniversary of the first time I tried to officially break it off with Brandi. I don’t feel that that’s particularly related?

Anyway, I hope y’all are having an amazing day by the time you read this :)

 

[littleoc]

I don’t like how it’s still true that it feels like every time I progress on OCD symptoms or decide to work on getting rid of OCD, because I was SO CLOSE, something happens that really, really gets in the way. Like death. Or pandemic that leads to hundreds of thousands of deaths.

But I discovered one symptom today that I didn’t know was OCD. I feel weirdly comforted that this is something I can start with a little easier. It’s in two parts.

It’s (1) constantly fearing I’m a liar or that I’ve told a lie — having to check constantly to make sure I haven’t lied to anyone. Fearing reading my old messages sometimes for fear that I might have lied about something and somehow not known it.

And (2) fearing that I am not really homosexual and/or am lying about it. Fearing that I am not who I say I am, in general. Fearing that I might be straight and needing to test myself or check to make sure I’m acting or look gay (which HAS gotten much better because people keep telling me I look straight, whatever that means, so I’ve already had to cope with this before).

Which is coming out a lot more lately with me looking inward at my gender identity.

I realize a lot of this is a trauma response and will get better as I work on what happened with Brandi. She constantly told me I wasn’t really gay, and she AND adults in my life insisted it was a phase I would one day wake up and realize I had grown out of, magically. Pretty silly.

Brandi quizzed me all the time about everything and would point out inconsistencies repeatedly. She would question my trauma as if they were stories I told to entertain.

Others accused me of lying often, about my trauma and my emotions.

But OCD is also clearly at play. The fear that I’m lying despite knowing for a fact that I am not. The fear that I’m not really gay; I just somehow convinced myself that I am. That I am playing a part specifically to trick people. All these obsessive thoughts, despite knowing I’m gay.

It is probably better to remind myself that I’ve had relationships with women and I truly loved them. I would not have pursued a relationship with Brandi and stayed with her for ten years just to trick her, even if she insists that’s why I was there.

This is something I can work on during a pandemic. I can work with these intrusive, obsessive thoughts. They might be an easier way to begin working on my last OCD symptoms of fearing my actions are leading to people’s deaths, magically.

And then I can stop feeling so embarrassed and ridiculous for these thoughts. They’re just thoughts. That’s the thing with OCD. It’s when your brain thinks your intrusive thoughts ARE your actions. They are not. My real thoughts are the ones where I’m arguing with the part of my brain sending these dumb thoughts in the first place.

I am currently finding it very comforting to know I really loved Brandi at the start. (Who knows why, though.) Or that I pursued relationships with other women. I clearly wasn’t tricking them. They wouldn’t be fond memories if I was tricking them. And when have I ever tried to trick anyone? It’s just something else to “cure” myself of.

Okay. Back to bed.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Title sounds like one of my cats.
She protec
But she also attac ?

 

[littleoc]

@Whispering_Truth

Google Image Result for https://i.pinimg.com/originals/cd/ee/a9/cdeea9c41d8153fc3b5490b377a94a5a.jpg

 

[somerandomguy]

I love that meme ?

 

[Freida]

The fear that I’m not really gay; I just somehow convinced myself that I am.

uhm.... ok...soooooo.... I'm probably going to make a mess of this but.....
Why is this a fear? Is it about convincing other people or convincing yourself?
Maybe break it down to the basics?
I am attracted to men. I see a cute guy and I think...damn! I could really enjoy some quality time with him. It's an automatic feeling in my body and mind
I'm not attracted to women. I see a cute female and think... Wow -she is really pretty. But it doesn't correspond to a feeling in my body or mind.
Or maybe you look at both men and women and feel something inside your body and mind.

You don't have to justify that, or prove it, or worry people will think you are lying.
Because its about you. Who you are, what you want, who you are attracted to.
I don't think you can convince yourself that you are gay or straight (if I'm wrong on this hopefully someone will jump in cause I'm kind of winging it!). I know some people are in places in their lives where they have to fake it because of social rules. But not because of what they feel inside. And even if they arent sure it's ok. You are YOU - Littleoc. Be authentic to yourself. Because that is what's important.

This is something I can work on during a pandemic. I can work with these intrusive, obsessive thoughts. They might be an easier way to begin working on my last OCD symptoms of fearing my actions are leading to people’s deaths, magically.

this is brilliant! :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, @Freida :)

I know, rationally, that I am who I say I am and am not secretly straight. I also know I don’t lie to everyone all the time. I know it’s just OCD thoughts, and now I I know the “but what if I’m secretly straight and am judging living a lie to make myself suffer” is something I can easily challenge because it’s just the OCD Experience — not something I actually need to give my time into arguing all day and night to my brain about.

I hate OCD lol — I’ll shut it down :)

 

[Freida]

not something I actually need to give my time into arguing all day and night to my brain about.

Hey that might turn out to be a good thing -- because it's such an easy one to defend. OCD doesn't stand a chance!

 

[Muttly]

You've done a lot of hard work and good thinking and have a lot to be proud of.

As far as the question, "What if I'm not really Gay." I wonder if there are other questions underneath that. I'm trying to muddle through what I am thinking. I actually had a "What if I'm not really trans" moment. Underneath that, was worries I'll never really pass and memories of my family's expectations of men. So, all those worries and contusions crawling around my head turned into, "maybe I'm not trans". Not sure if that applies at all.

 

[littleoc]

@Muttly Maybe. My ex (ex-gf) constantly told me I wasn’t gay, just confused and afraid of men. So I felt like I was building up an image for her sake, which I had to do for everything else. And, of course, there’s the feeling of “coming out each week” because I don’t “look like a lesbian,” according to lots of random people. I have OCD that I like to consider mild, but I’ve found myself up late at night obsessing over if I’m gay enough. I finally googled, “Why don’t i feel gay enough” and discovered a group of people with OCD who obsess constantly over the fact that they might be some other sexuality than what they logically and rationally know they are.

That’s my least favorite part of OCD — knowing it’s just some (almost outside feeling) force that tries to take control when you are FULLY aware it’s not really you or your beliefs.

I’m having the same kinds of thoughts about what a trans person is, so I feel that. I was told by a therapist and a friend that what I was describing was being trans, but I’ve been so worried about being called a liar that I waited a long time to mention it here or research it, and im still too uncomfortable because it feels like I’m invalidating everyone else and will be called out on it.

I’m not sure if that’s a negative core belief, more OCD, or both, but it’d be much cooler if modern society didn’t gender things the way they do so we could just be whatever and move on :/

Thanks for your input — I hope you’re well. Isolating hopefully isn’t getting to you too bad? :hug: Forced vacations feel stressful.. lol