Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Lionheart]

I am sorry....I wrote a reply and then realized that you did not specifically ask for feedback ,so I deleted it.

 

[littleoc]

I am sorry....I wrote a reply and then realized that you did not specifically ask for feedback ,so I deleted it.

Feel free to say anything you want, Lion. I'll literally never mind :hug: I hope you're feeling healthy, by the way, especially emotionally, with all this having to stay indoors!

 

[Lionheart]

This is what I had written....

Hi @littleoc

I don't know a lot about OCD, but I have had some experience with being unsure of my sexuality; my orientation, preference, and identity. I was confused for a very long time due to sexual child abuse, if it made me gay, or straight, or bi-sexual etc. It was one of the worst things I have ever experienced, ... being so unsure of myself and feeling like I didn't belong to any group of people so that I was never sure if I was punishing myself with certain sexual activity or if it was a genuine expression of who I am.

I eventually talked to a trauma specialist who asked me a lot of questions and spoke to me for awhile. He came to the conclusion that I am predominantly heterosexual with bi-sexual tendencies and my discomfort with being bi-sexual stems from abuse traumas. I don't know if this is helpful for you or not, but I wanted to share in case it is. Talking to this trauma specialist helped me to understand and identify my sexuality and relieved a lot of guilt and confusion.

Whatever you identify as today is okay and is a valid experience for you, you can be whatever you feel is most natural for you and that is alright. I too wish society didn't gender things the way they do. Most of us are neither totally gay or straight, but fall somewhere in-between on the bell curve and our preferences and experiences can change over time....it is totally normal.

Anyway I told you all that to say that I wish you the very best with accepting whatever is true for you. I really don't like labels, but understanding myself helped to stop a lot of confusion and emotional pain. Whatever you identify as deserves to be validated and respected. I accept you just as you are and so should others.

Sorry, I didn't intend on writing a book, just wanted to share and try to be helpful.

I may be off the mark with my reply and if I am I hope that you will forgive me.

 

[littleoc]

No, that's very helpful, @Lionheart777 :hug: Not that you'd need forgiving anyway. <3

I experienced the same thing. And hearing my ex saying I was just confused because of trauma did not help at all, and hearing people say that I look "normal" didn't help. The one therapist I began telling this stuff to ended up being a predator in disguise, so I sort of just decided I would never bring it up in a therapeutic way ever again. That probably was a huge traumatic trigger that lead to the OCD. I'm guessing my OCD didn't develop from genes as much as trauma, since I have these explanations and since the OCD seems to get better the more I work on what's behind it (I don't know the OCD experience of everyone, though -- maybe I should try to find that out?).

I mean, and warning ahead for disturbing content, but that pedophile tried to convince me I was connected with him on a spiritual level, and I really looked up to him for a long time. Still do. When I was caring for my mom at the end of last year, I couldn't stop thinking about what advice, condolences, and comfort he might have brought me. He had to take care of his elderly mom, too, and he had put away his whole future to do that, in this same neighborhood I'm in. So I kept worrying that maybe we WERE somehow a good thing, but that I was too traumatized to ever get with a man, and THAT was my problem. But, the same man also tried to convince me I had an attraction to animals, and I was VERY VERY VERY worried for a long time that I was attracted to animals. Turns out that was just more brainwashing. I still feel ashamed talking about it, though. Anything to do with him.

I tried to bring that up with my last therapist and ended up having to run for the hills after she began telling me about her trauma instead and trying to give me gifts and meet with me alone at my house, while giving me bad advice. I think I might trust my current therapist, but... not over Zoom. I've worked IT, I know that's not safe enough for me, lol

 

[littleoc]

A neighbor screamed at me last night and it scared me.

 

[littleoc]

Seven pm and still in bed. Time to get up.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[bellbird]

:hug:

 

[Muttly]

why on earth did your neighbor scream at you. I'm sorry that happened.

I can relate to confusion. I was born in a female body but was very much showing signs of being trans even as a very young kid. But my dad groomed (hate that word) to be his little girl and because of that and society's expectations I didn't think I could be trans. I assumed anything that veered from "normal" was just trauma based

 

[Muttly]

I hope I don't sound like I disbelieved you. I think i'm just tired of rude and angry people. I wish you hadn't been yelled at

 

[Freida]

WTH? why is the neighbor having a tantrum?

 

[littleoc]

Y’all are fantastic <3

He’s been very creepy lately so I’ve been weighing if I should anonymously report him for inappropriate behavior. Like, watching who’s with me kind of creepy. Asking me why I’m wearing certain clothes. Odd dude. His dog bit mine last year as well but he does keep doggo in a leash now. He’s a good doggo.

Long story short I was moving some sticks on a tarp with a friend’s help and we were moving the tarp to the woods to deposit the sticks. He suddenly came outside and started screaming at us about it being two am. My friend just said we weren’t loud and kept moving but I stopped him because this neighbor is sort of violent and I was too worried he’d come up and hurt him. I felt TERRIBLE that my friend had to be there for that because then I was managing my anxiety for a solid thirty minutes while he (friend) kept making jokes about calling the police on the dude.

It was very uncomfortable and I’m still failing to find the humor in it. Except that he clearly wasn’t asleep (he was watching Tv in his kitchen, had the window open) and was trying to blame me for making his dog bark.

So my revenge plot is mostly a dog whistle I guess lol

They’re the same neighbors who constantly harass my mom and I for being females. They keep telling other neighbors that women don’t do well alone and we should be removed or else let a man live with us. Trump supporters, lol

I’m better now, by the way. Still spooked and really worrying that I looked stupid while he was screaming at me, but that’s fine — trauma response

My dad really liked this guy for some reason. My lil bro and his son used to be friends but now are not; lil bro vandalized his treehouse with spray paint and a metal baseball bat. I still hear about it even though it’s been like ten years and they’re both grown ass men now lol

He doesn’t even have a job to go to. Just wants to stand outside and yell that I should be in bed. While he watches TV. Literally none of the other neighbors cared. I checked today (they were gathered (distantly) around a fire pit by the woods today)

Makes me angry and I wish they’d move already. They won’t though, they like living somewhere where it’s legal to shoot a f*cking shotgun ten feet from your neighbors house at 5pm on a Sunday ?

But anyway, enough of that. It’s more upsetting to me that my friend was there. I have been resisting the urge to apologize all day because I am positive I did enough of that yesterday. I was very good at handling my reaction but I’m not sure it was the healthiest? I didn’t cry, didn’t do anything just want to stand on the front porch and do nothing for a long time and try to make it funny. I feel terrible that when I first started getting nervous he’d come out and be a dick I didn’t say something more clearly to my friend, but I was afraid of sounding paranoid. Ended up making me look kind of dumb. But that’s fine, honestly, it’s in the past now, and it was early morning (about 1am, not 2 like he said) so I couldn’t complain about his behavior. I may be more of a dick about him having his dog off leash now though. Or maybe not, I’ll give myself time to get over it. He’s not really worth it. ?‍