Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Haven't had a meal in three days. No food is appetizing and I'm out of pretty much everything again. I am so tired of being alive. I am so tired of this.

 

[Movingforward10]

Sitting with you @littleoc .

Would having some soup help? Something easy to warm up and digest?

I'm sorry about your experience at the clinic.

 

[littleoc]

I'm sorry about your experience at the clinic.

I sound like a broken record. It's just the same thing month after month after month. Any bit of support I can get just vanishes. The more disabled I get the more inconvenient I am to everyone. All I do is sleep and when I feel myself waking up I become so sad. I don't want to be awake ever again. Wish whatever is wrong with me would finish its course or leave me completely asleep forever.

Something ELSE happened today while I was trying to not give up and I tried to talk about it with my best friend, but he's stressed and angry and I'm just causing harm at this point. He said he felt better after telling me why he was mad but I didn't want to discuss it. It just doesn't matter. I regret living. I want supposed to be born. I want to cut my own head off with a chainsaw. I want to fall unconscious and stop existing.

I know it's too much for people. People rarely see me anymore. People rarely give me room to say how I really feel.

He said he was afraid to tell me how he feels because he felt I would twist his words to take offense, and I'm trying not to. I just feel so worthless and I wish I had killed myself years ago. He shouldn't even know me. He should have grown out of me in high school and then never been my friend again.

And I don't want to take it out on him either. I don't want to take it out on anyone. But that's how I treated my mom, isn't it? If anyone deserves this, I'm definitely one of them. I hate being a person.

I wanted to go out despite not having a service dog, and I wanted to do one thing alone without f*cking up, and of course I did f*ck up, like usual, and everyone around me thinks it's annoying. I wanted to do something besides lay in bed. Holidays are awful.i should have just stayed home and given up. The more I try the more of a problem I end up being.

I want to stick a hot iron behind my eyes and destroy my brain. Whatever is making me a person needs to go.

I can't talk to my twin brother, because he's blocked me. My mom has died and I never talked to her about anything. At times I actively made her worse, I'm sure.

I'm toxic. Not that anyone else has been like my ex in any way, but my ex started hating me when the stress got high. It broke her and she hated me from then,and the obvious truth I've always been afraid to say here or anywhere else is that it was my fault. I've gone my ENTIRE life breaking down every year. Every year. I can't be "normal" and I just end up trying to trust people who say they want to help and then eventually just breaking them. I've broken therapists.

I've been in therapies of some kind since I was a child. I've heard every way to "get better" and I've genuinely tried over and over again. And you know what? I regret that now. I wish I had died. I am so tired of being a f*cking problem who hurts people and doesn't get it right and can't ever think straight. People who love me just get hurt.

Is this taking offense? I probably shouldn't even ask. I'm clearly unwell but I'm so so f*cking tired. I don't want to get better anymore. I'm so f*cking sick and tired of people trying to help. All it does ever is make people tired and hurt.

Best friend wants me to go to therapy, so I guess I'll f*cking do it, again. What is this, the 50th therapist I'll have? And what'll go wrong this time? Willing to bet with anyone here that no one is reading this through and it doesn't matter, don't feel bad if you didn't, just saying this is impossible. Ive been abused and raped by therapist, I've been threatened, I've been told I'm not a decent client, and yeah, some positive shit too. Usually by therapists using phrases they've practiced with a hundred other clients as they reach for f*cking anything.

So what will it be this time.

Going to keep f*cking baking. Started over 12 hours later than I wanted to. Didn't remember anything important.


I don't want to stress out animals I own by dying. But at a certain point I have to stop being a human. And if I f*ck it up and end up trapped in a body that doesn't express anything, that's fine. That's how I've made others feel, isn't it. I hate myself so much. All I've ever wanted to be is kind and understanding and I was delusionally thinking I was.

Eventually I'll go back to being one with the universe and not have to have thoughts or a brain and I'll finally be at peace. I hope whatever part of me that's "evil"/wrong/causing all this distress goes to hell. I'll feel hurt and cry then too, I'm sure. That's the pride talking. I know what I did. I know what kind of stupid piece of shit I am.

 

[littleoc]

I wish I never existed. Damned if I end it, damned if I don't.

 

[Movingforward10]

Is this taking offense? I probably shouldn't even ask. I'm clearly unwell but I'm so so f*cking tired.

It sounds like this feedback from your friend has come at a very very difficult time, so it is harder to deal with given all the thoughts, feelings and messages that you already have about yourself that are very negative. You're trying to hear him and understand, but your bandwidth is reduced because it's so hard at the moment?

You're not toxic in the slightest. I know saying that won't feel true, but it is the truth.

 

[littleoc]

Happy whatever :)

 

[Rose White]

Happy whatever to you too!

I just want to say that one of my favorite threads ever on this site was when you had something like a hundred page conversation with the AI—and you got it to speak Chinese or some other language against its will. I was cracking up. I think the thread was called “Food”. I miss getting to read others’ AI convos. Also your creativity really shone (shined?)

 

[littleoc]

Oh, I forgot about that :0 that was really fun, hahaha :)

 

[littleoc]

Things are still not going well :(

 

[littleoc]

This is the best description of the current stressor

 

[littleoc]

In my email to them I said I am desperate for safe housing. And explained how horrible this year has been, but with wording that didn't specifically say that phrase.

Very frustrating. What an awful year and decade this has been. I swear to G-d I was luckier as a child. I feel like a useless thing unable to get above water

Going to rest more and dissociate if possible, hopefully something works out tho

 

[Freida]

I am so sorry things are so tough right now. Is there a chance you can get your moms house? How would that work?