snapdragon27
New Here
Sorry, this is a long one!
I’ve been dating (or trying at least) an army vet that did two tours in Iraq (last deployment seeing many horrors). While over there, he sustained multiple TBIs which resulted in him having to change careers. He’s been out of the military for about 6 years now but had a work related accident about 10 months ago that resulted in another TBI and serious PTSD (seems as though it opened the flood gates for everything he endured in the army). He has been on a temporary leave from work until he is deemed fit to return.
In May of this year I met him and I was completely smitten! He is an absolutely amazing guy and possesses wonderful qualities. May through mid-July we talked on the phone and texted daily. The times we hung out in person seemed few and far because something always seemed to “come up” for him but when we did, it was always great. There were times when he would disappear for a couple days here and there but always had a good reason and would reassure me of his interest.
Towards the end of June, he reluctantly disclosed that he was struggling with serious symptoms of PTSD and was concerned with how that would impact our relationship moving forward. He said that he was in very intensive treatment, attending therapy 3 times a week and would be doing a 120 day PTSD inpatient program in the fall at the VA. He also admitted that he had been self-medicating with alcohol – drinking hard alcohol every single night of the week. I told him that I could be supportive…. Or so I though! :(
Turns out I’m learning the hard way that I had a misconception, or at least partial misconceptions about the symptoms. When he told me he had PTSD I guess I just assumed he was plagued by nightmares and intrusive thoughts. I couldn’t have imagined the profound impact it would have on us. I simply didn’t understand what it really meant for him to be struggling with PTSD.
Three weeks ago things changed dramatically, like 180 degree change for the worst. I couldn’t understand because NOTHING bad had happened between us! Everything was completely great and then BOOM everything changed!!! He became extremely distant and avoided texting and returning my calls. I thought for sure I had done something to upset him. I was an absolute miserable wreck! :( Days later he texted me indicating that he was going through the “roughest time of his life”. He also stated that it had absolutely nothing to do with me and that he was sorry for being so cold and distant. He went on to say that the inpatient program that he was eager start was pushed back to the winter. That his therapist decided that he had to stop the CPT treatment was going through because it was causing him to decompensate, and that his neurologist was pessimistic about his long-term prognosis regarding the TBI. He said that he hadn’t gone to the gym in weeks (he’s a huge gym nut), that he had blown off all plans with others, and was just sitting around his house playing video games. He went on to say that he hadn’t been taking care of himself or keeping up with housework. I tried to validate his feelings and show support but no matter what I said he seemed to get annoyed with me. Our communication became sporadic and strained at best over the last three weeks.
Everything came to a head last Thursday; we had plans to meet up in the evening. At the very last minute, he canceled YET AGAIN (this was probably the 6th or so time over the course of 3 weeks). He canceled with a very simple text message that read “rain check”. I hate to admit it but I totally lost my cool. I was feeling overwhelmingly disappointed and frustrated and couldn’t hold myself back from retaliating. I told him that he was insensitive and that if he had no intention of seeing me, he could have at least given me some notice. I then went on to say that I didn’t appreciate him stringing me along. He responded “All I have to say is… WOW”. Later that evening when I had a chance to cool down, I did apologize for my overreaction and explained that I was just incredibly disappointed by the chronic last minute cancelations without any kind of explanation whatsoever. He proceeded to dump me via text, simply writing “Maybe we shouldn’t talk any more”. I was absolutely crushed that he wanted to throw in the towel over this one incident. I wrote him back saying that I was incredibly sad but that I would have to respect his wishes.
Then apparently Friday night (the night right after he broke up with me) he sent me some text messages around 11:45 at night. I was already asleep as I had to get up early for work in the morning. The first text asked if I could come over to his house and talk. The second one read that it would have to be out in my car because his house was filthy and the third which he sent about 10 minutes later read, “Forget it, never mind, sorry I asked!” I texted him back indicating that I was not ignoring him but that I had been asleep. I offered to visit that day (Saturday) or Sunday but he said that he wasn’t up for it. He then proceeded to tell me that he was annoyed that I couldn’t understand him and really couldn’t see just how bad of a state he was in. He then told me that he was the most miserable he’s ever been in his entire life and that Wednesday afternoon, he learned that he would NOT be granted medical clearance to return to the job he absolutely loved. :( That is ALL he would have needed to have said Thursday and I would have COMPLETELY understood but he hasn’t been talking with me. :( I pleaded with him to communicate with me more and to help me understand and be more supportive of what he was going through but he went silent. I sent a number of follow-up texts, all of which were ignored.
It was only then that I realized I would need to educate myself on combat PTSD. I’ve been doing a ton of reading online and purchased a book entitled "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior". I sent him a long heart-felt e-mail on Sunday apologizing and let him know that I was learning more about PTSD. In the letter I asked that when he is up for it I would like to sit down and learn how I can be a better support for him. I also mentioned that we would need to discuss establishing some boundaries for ourselves.
It’s now Friday afternoon and I have not heard from him… I think I may have lost him for good this time because the longest stretch of time he has ever gone without communicating with me before was 4 days. I feel so defeated and helpless. :( Even though we were only dating for 4 months I care about this man tremendously. I realize that he is probably NOT in a place right now to be in a relationship. Clearly, the focus needs to be on him and his treatment for the time being. I would still like to be in his life in some capacity though…
Is there any hope? Do you have any suggestions as to how to proceed? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I’ve been dating (or trying at least) an army vet that did two tours in Iraq (last deployment seeing many horrors). While over there, he sustained multiple TBIs which resulted in him having to change careers. He’s been out of the military for about 6 years now but had a work related accident about 10 months ago that resulted in another TBI and serious PTSD (seems as though it opened the flood gates for everything he endured in the army). He has been on a temporary leave from work until he is deemed fit to return.
In May of this year I met him and I was completely smitten! He is an absolutely amazing guy and possesses wonderful qualities. May through mid-July we talked on the phone and texted daily. The times we hung out in person seemed few and far because something always seemed to “come up” for him but when we did, it was always great. There were times when he would disappear for a couple days here and there but always had a good reason and would reassure me of his interest.
Towards the end of June, he reluctantly disclosed that he was struggling with serious symptoms of PTSD and was concerned with how that would impact our relationship moving forward. He said that he was in very intensive treatment, attending therapy 3 times a week and would be doing a 120 day PTSD inpatient program in the fall at the VA. He also admitted that he had been self-medicating with alcohol – drinking hard alcohol every single night of the week. I told him that I could be supportive…. Or so I though! :(
Turns out I’m learning the hard way that I had a misconception, or at least partial misconceptions about the symptoms. When he told me he had PTSD I guess I just assumed he was plagued by nightmares and intrusive thoughts. I couldn’t have imagined the profound impact it would have on us. I simply didn’t understand what it really meant for him to be struggling with PTSD.
Three weeks ago things changed dramatically, like 180 degree change for the worst. I couldn’t understand because NOTHING bad had happened between us! Everything was completely great and then BOOM everything changed!!! He became extremely distant and avoided texting and returning my calls. I thought for sure I had done something to upset him. I was an absolute miserable wreck! :( Days later he texted me indicating that he was going through the “roughest time of his life”. He also stated that it had absolutely nothing to do with me and that he was sorry for being so cold and distant. He went on to say that the inpatient program that he was eager start was pushed back to the winter. That his therapist decided that he had to stop the CPT treatment was going through because it was causing him to decompensate, and that his neurologist was pessimistic about his long-term prognosis regarding the TBI. He said that he hadn’t gone to the gym in weeks (he’s a huge gym nut), that he had blown off all plans with others, and was just sitting around his house playing video games. He went on to say that he hadn’t been taking care of himself or keeping up with housework. I tried to validate his feelings and show support but no matter what I said he seemed to get annoyed with me. Our communication became sporadic and strained at best over the last three weeks.
Everything came to a head last Thursday; we had plans to meet up in the evening. At the very last minute, he canceled YET AGAIN (this was probably the 6th or so time over the course of 3 weeks). He canceled with a very simple text message that read “rain check”. I hate to admit it but I totally lost my cool. I was feeling overwhelmingly disappointed and frustrated and couldn’t hold myself back from retaliating. I told him that he was insensitive and that if he had no intention of seeing me, he could have at least given me some notice. I then went on to say that I didn’t appreciate him stringing me along. He responded “All I have to say is… WOW”. Later that evening when I had a chance to cool down, I did apologize for my overreaction and explained that I was just incredibly disappointed by the chronic last minute cancelations without any kind of explanation whatsoever. He proceeded to dump me via text, simply writing “Maybe we shouldn’t talk any more”. I was absolutely crushed that he wanted to throw in the towel over this one incident. I wrote him back saying that I was incredibly sad but that I would have to respect his wishes.
Then apparently Friday night (the night right after he broke up with me) he sent me some text messages around 11:45 at night. I was already asleep as I had to get up early for work in the morning. The first text asked if I could come over to his house and talk. The second one read that it would have to be out in my car because his house was filthy and the third which he sent about 10 minutes later read, “Forget it, never mind, sorry I asked!” I texted him back indicating that I was not ignoring him but that I had been asleep. I offered to visit that day (Saturday) or Sunday but he said that he wasn’t up for it. He then proceeded to tell me that he was annoyed that I couldn’t understand him and really couldn’t see just how bad of a state he was in. He then told me that he was the most miserable he’s ever been in his entire life and that Wednesday afternoon, he learned that he would NOT be granted medical clearance to return to the job he absolutely loved. :( That is ALL he would have needed to have said Thursday and I would have COMPLETELY understood but he hasn’t been talking with me. :( I pleaded with him to communicate with me more and to help me understand and be more supportive of what he was going through but he went silent. I sent a number of follow-up texts, all of which were ignored.
It was only then that I realized I would need to educate myself on combat PTSD. I’ve been doing a ton of reading online and purchased a book entitled "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior". I sent him a long heart-felt e-mail on Sunday apologizing and let him know that I was learning more about PTSD. In the letter I asked that when he is up for it I would like to sit down and learn how I can be a better support for him. I also mentioned that we would need to discuss establishing some boundaries for ourselves.
It’s now Friday afternoon and I have not heard from him… I think I may have lost him for good this time because the longest stretch of time he has ever gone without communicating with me before was 4 days. I feel so defeated and helpless. :( Even though we were only dating for 4 months I care about this man tremendously. I realize that he is probably NOT in a place right now to be in a relationship. Clearly, the focus needs to be on him and his treatment for the time being. I would still like to be in his life in some capacity though…
Is there any hope? Do you have any suggestions as to how to proceed? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
