Relationship Combat Sufferer Won't Let Me Go Or Be With Me

[Iworry4him]

Hi all! I met my Army man about 10 months ago. We did the long distance thing, but he'd never fully commit to me saying that he didn't want a relationship because he just "couldn't deal with it". I've struggled over the past few months because I guess I thought he'd eventually see I was the one and want to make it official. He's told me that he believes that we are soulmates and I am so different and special, yet he only wants to be friends. However, our "friendship" mirrors a committed relationship. We talk everyday, we visit each other, we are physical and we are only with each other.

He recently found out that he will be going to Korea for a year or two which is throwing another wrench in everything. He says at this point in his life he feels he may want to be alone forever. I've tried to end things multiple times because it's too hard to love someone who doesn't love me back, but everytime he refuses to let me go. He keeps texting me and telling me that he wants me to be in his life. As hard as he's fighting to keep me in his life, I believe that he cares. I just don't understand how he can care about me and feel that we are soulmates but want to be single forever.

Please help! I've cried too many times and I just need to know what to do or just some advice on if it is me or if it's normal for someone with PTSD to not be able to be with someone that they kind of know that they should be with.

 

[Healing Reins]

I think the biggest thing that PTSD did for me was make me afraid of relationships even if I knew they would be good for me. I think a lot of the time I would self sabotage some of the best relationships that i've had. I think the best thing at this point you can do is to take care of yourself first then him...I don't know what that looks like for you. Maybe that means ending it with him, or maybe that means staying in his life even when it's hard (It sounds like you do that already) Or maybe it means staying at a distance from him.

Have you two talked about what happens to your relationship when he moves? Have you thought about how you are going to handle it? I really think just realizing that he's probably struggling a lot with his PTSD is good though

I'm really bad at love advice but the one thing I can say for sure is that when I was in my worst phases of PTSD what I wanted and needed were two different things. I wanted to be left alone, but I needed support and I needed to know that I was loved, thats how my healing began I think.

 

[Iworry4him]

Thank you so much! Your response has been very helpful. He want to continue to talk once he leaves. Which includes writing letters, talking via phone and face timing. It's hard fir me to grasp the concept of not wanting something that you know is good for me, but I respect it. Every time that I try to end it he won't let me, he just keeps talking to me and refuses to let me go.

How can he want me so bad but not at the same time?

 

[Trice]

Hi @Iworry4him,
I truly understand your situation. I've been going thru the same thing for just about a year and a half now. It's hard I know. I've shed tears myself all while reading and trying to understand. It's the push and pull when things tend to get to close or even resembles a relationship for us. It can take a toll on you emotionally and mentally. At my first emotional break I saw therapist who specialize in PTSD and trauma so that they could understand me and the situation. Self care is mandatory especially if you're going to stick around.

I just talked about "the grey area today". It is tough. If you're willing to stay then there is always the PTSD forum famIly. It's a great group of people.

 

[Healing Reins]

What exactly do you mean by

"It's hard fir me to grasp the concept of not wanting something that you know is good for me," I hope I'm not coming off rude in my post!

It sounds like it is a lot of push and pull, which I feel like is common with trauma survivors. I tend to push and pull a lot in my relationships I will be like "Leave me alone...oh wait dont go...leave me alone' The reason why I do this is because I care a lot about the people I feel like I cause them pain and I don't want them to hurt so I push away, I pull when I feel scared.

I don't know if any of this helps, but maybe he pushes and pulls for similar reasons?

I know I tend to push the hardest when a big event is coming up! Like High School graduation is coming up and I have the urges to push and pull but I don't want to push and pull!

 

[Trice]

@Healing Reins I think self sabotaging can come from many things most of all being fear and not knowing how to cope. I've done it. So I get that. Is that what happens with you and can you share any coping skills you've learned?

 

[Healing Reins]

I think the biggest coping skill I have to use right now is to breathe.

I just had something really traumatic happen on Saturday, and the one way I'm not letting it effect me is by breathing and constantly telling myself everything is going to be okay

For when I want to self sabotage. I get up and walk away before I have the chance to sabotage. I try not to let myself ever get the chance to self sabotage.

 

[Trice]

Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I was with a man for 2.5 years who did a lot of the push/ pull, then he just left and didn't come back. I loved him so much and I believe I was very good for him. So, one day we talked and seemed to move past a small hurdle, not even a fight. At first I was elated because it seemed to really solidify the relationship. And then I got nervous because everytime we moved to a new "level" he'd isolate for awhile. Then he did. After a month I got so scared he was gone for good and turns out he was. Its been 11 months now.

I'm not telling you this to scare you, but I want you to know that even though he sabotaged what we had I would not go back and not have been with him. He was my best friend and is a good man. I knew his stress was increasing and I felt him starting to push me away, but he'd always come back before. Love isn't enough.

PTSD can be very hard on a relationship. Especially if the sufferer isnt in therapy, is your guy in therapy? My guy and a lot of posts ive read involve a deep fear of not being good for the other or just not capable. My guy did therapy for certain issues with his PTSD, but then believed he had gotten as functional as he could hope for and accepted his avoidance and depression and numbness. I do not know you exact situation, but I would not expect a lightbulb to go off in his head suddenly that you are the love of his life and that changes everything. The push/ pull isn't actually logic driven. It's usually primal. Instinct driven.

I would have stuck by my guy, the egg shells were worth it to me. And I honestly don't think he one day decided I wasn't worth it, I think it had more to do with his belief, deep down that HE wasn't worth it. My therapist agrees. That makes me the saddest.

I don't know if this has helped you at all, but I can't put any rose colored glasses on this. He may some day decide he can handle a real relationship or he may not. If you are willing to stand by him, know it won't be easy. PTSD doesn't follow logic, it's emotion responces learned from tramatic events. The brain literally functions differently. The explanation of constant fight/ flight/ or freeze mode hit home the most with me intrying to understand it in terms of my ex.

I hope it works out for you, I really do. But, understand, saying he only wants a friendship, it is NOT just a typical guy-thing or playing games. Most likey it is a component of his PTSD and may not be a conviction that you can change.

Really hope I didn't come across as negative, it was not my intention. It has been a very painful time in my life, but I still would not trade my time with him. Best of luck to you and if you do not mind, <hug>.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Did he tell you that he doesn't love you? I am seeing love in his actions even if he says he can't be with you. If there's one thing I've learned with PTSD it's that there are a million and one different types of relationships, yet many still fell the need to fall into the typical form of relationship dynamics with the standard way of interacting. Well, this doesn't always happen, but at the same time, I think it's important for you to recognize your own needs, and if you need a guy who is fully committed and says he is in a "relationship" with you, then it's important to find someone who will meet these needs.

I see love in what he says, in that you are his soulmate. For now can you accept that he cannot give you the label of "relationship" even though he is in fact giving you many components of what a relationship is by not being with anyone else, talking to you everyday, etc? If you need that label, I hate to say it, but perhaps you should find someone else. I can't give anyone the label, either, but I can give them a lot of things that are in fact experienced within the dynamic of a "relationship".

 

[Iworry4him]

@Solara , thank you so much for your post! You're very right, he is giving me everything that I need. I guess the label just would make me feel like he really can't imagine life without me. His actions say that he feels that way, but not wanting to actually be in a relationship just confuses me. However, you are very right. I need to take a step back and try to understand.

@BewitchedBewildered thanks so much for your response. You hit the nil on the head with the word "capable". He always says "I just can't". He doesn't understand it either. He just knows he can't be with so,done with now. He said he does feel emotionally numb as well. It gives me hope that he can feel emotionally numb yet still be able to show some affection toward me. He's having a bad day today, those are always the worst because he doesn't want me to have to "deal" with it. I just want to make him happy. He says that I do, but I just want to take that feeling away from him. I want him to be happy all the time.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

The hardest part is want to help someone you love. Wanting to make him " better", but you can't. Only he can do that.