Comedy - Welcome To Doctor Doppemhiyer's Clinic! (lol)

[JohnnyM53]

Dear Amethist,

Thank you for your application for enlisting in musical therapy for hopeless "casings".

Let me see if I can "reframe" your perceived problem: you love to shlam doors but make no mention as to why you enjoy doing so, other than perhaps to annoy your "knubby".

I will go out on a "limb" and guess that you do so just for the "shake" of it; perhaps you love the sound it makes; perhaps it helps you to express deep seated frustration to prevent you from becoming "unhinged".

I do believe I should properly assess you - perhaps in my cubical just to play it safe - and determine whether you qualify for therapy.

Will you? Won't you? "Jambed" if I know. Only time will tell.

Hopefully we can get you to "stop" this behavior, or simply encourage it's expression, through music, and access the "window" of your soul.

Should you qualify, I would most likely assign you to play the "French" horn, learning the song "Back Door Man" by The Doors.

Since he appears to play a role in this, your knubby may be present during the initial meeting.

Sincerely

Doc DVD


bcc Nurse Ratchet - please schedule an appointment with these "doorks" and "lock" them in if they actually show up.

bcc to Doc DVD: Death, where is thy sting?

 

[ISupportHer]

My Neck Hurts

Hey Doc?

I know music therapy is a big part of what you do, so I have a question.

Music is really a big part of my life. Other than my big bells, I do not play an instrument but I listen to music all the time. It's like my iPod is permanently attached to my ears.

I am really, really into hard rock. New stuff but a also a lot of classic rock. Sometimes referred to a "Rogaine Rock" or "hair" bands. And, man, I really get into it. I crank up the volume and before I know it, my head is bobbing up and down. You know, you've seen the rockers doing that with hair flying everywhere. Well it's not LIKE that! (anymore)

But Doc, I just don't have as much to work with anymore, ya know? Hair today gone tomorrow, I guess. I try so hard to get the hair flying that I get a stiff neck.

I know that there are psychological conditions stemming from over compensating for things. I have neck pain but also headaches. You've heard of phantom pain before, haven't you? Could this be "Hair Envy"? And hey! Could this be part of my last problem we talked about? The ringing in the ears? What? What? Speak up Doc!

(Bye the way, I am battling the federal government to add the "follicularly challenged" individuals like my self added to the list of legitimate disabilities. I have suffered all my life and I want MY parking space too, damn it!)

And Doc, bet you'll be able to make that boat payment this month by having me as a patient.

ISH

 

[JohnnyM53]

He’s Backkkkkk! (Shit!)


Dear ED
International Society of Hypochondriacs (ISH)

That’s not an iPod but rather monitoring devices installed when you had ECT in my office a month ago so I can track – and thereby avoid – you on public roads).

So you’re really "into" hard rock and “pumping” up the volume. Kinky! Keep chipping away!

As for the hair, I would imagine that having only 14 long strands of hair is difficult to swing. Have you considered switching your style from "swing" to big bald...errr. band?... perhaps forming a new band with Alec, Stephen, and Adam BALDwin?

As to your comment regarding “PSYCHO-logical conditions stemming from over compensating for things”, I believe we addressed this during your last physical. (a-ha-ha-ha - Loser!)

Yes I have heard, and can confirm the validity of, the phantom pain (sometimes referred to the “hun-my-mother-coming-here-for-the-weekend" syndrome). It could be envy in your case, and considering your recent complaints, which were unfounded, we could say we both are experiencing a “phantom pain in the neck”.

The good news is that I believe the government will approve your request for a new parking spot…which you justifiably require for that huge bald spot of yours.

I thank you for your patronage. Thanks to you alone, the boat’s paid off (but I'm on expensive medication too – so thanks a freakin lot!).

Sincerely

Doc DVD


bccc Nurse Ratchet - please schedule an appointment for me with my therapist
Footnote from RN Ratchet - file with other losers

 

[ISupportHer]

:rofl:

And I was afraid the "hair envy" would "bring up" something about penis envy. Whew, dodged a bullet there!

Thanks Doc!

ISH (Card carrying, founding member and Board President)

:rofl::rofl:

 

[Grainne]

Omgosh. I laughed until I was in tears. Honestly - this therapy is wonderful (and SO much cheaper than my usual!!)

 

[ISupportHer]

Do You Prescribe These?

Hey Doc! It's ME again!


You know about any of these?

Damitol - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Emptynestrogen - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Pepotbimbo -Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


I was wondering if the Flipitor would help with my issue with stupid people.

Thanks Doc!.

The phone number for my Pharmacy is....Oh, never mind. Forgot you have a direct line.

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

And, Oh!

Someone else jump in too! My many "problems" not meant to imply Dr. DVD is in Private Practice (just me :rofl:)

ISH

 

[JohnnyM53]

Pharmaceutical products

Dear MA (Me Again)

Thank you for writing to the Musical Therapy For Dope-less Cases Clinic.

You asked if I had knowledge of certain pharmaceutical (a.k.a. Farm-A-Suit-Tickle at medical hunting camp…baaaaahhhhh!) products. I am pleased to say that I am.

Damitol: “Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.” Brand Name: Phukital: Clinical trial studies reported an increase in applications for Wall Street employment.

Emptynestrogen: “Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.” Ah yes, the PITA (pain-in-the-...) syndrome. Yes it works quite well I hear. It comes in packs of 4 monthly suppositories: one for each parent, one for two teenagers. If you wish to have a prescription, make sure you buy yourself a PITA Pan for withdrawals.

Peptobimbo:“Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.” PeptoBimbo has not yet been approved by the FDA because clinical trials studies showed it to be effective only with low cut genes, with a tattoo of Bubba’s Trailer Park protruding from the top.

Dumerol: “When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.” Brand name: Dumorwat: found to increase chance of conception by ratio of 4x4.

Flipitor: “Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.” I’ve ordered you some as they are cheaper than buying rubber arrows. Note: Flipping other drivers can result in vehicular dementia charges.

Buyagra: “Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.” Please schedule an appointment with my clinic so we can discuss the track marks on your wife’s arms.

As to your wondering if Flipitor would help you with your issue with stupid people, it will not change them one bit, but due to its potency, you won’t mind as much.

Thank you for writing to me. I trust the above answers are satisfactory.


Doc DVD Psy.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear ISH

I just received news that the drug Dumerol is even more effective if you sing the lyrics of the number #1 bimbo song by Ledd Zipperland called Styling Her Hair At Seven-Eleven....

Soc DVD

 

[ISupportHer]

Fallout From Halloween

Doc,

Gotta problem. I don't know if this is considered a compulsion or not but....

When I dressed up for Halloween as Cher, someone took my picture. And it showed up on one of those web sites you gave me your password to. I don't know how they got my pictures. I say pictures because last year I was Dolly Parton, the year before that I was Barbara Streisand and the year before that I was Tina Turner. All these are on that web site.

Do you think this is a problem?

But Doc, I have to look on the bright side. I know you have that band for your patients. Have an opening for a Diva? Is the mustache OK?


Your benefactor,

ISH

OK, out of character and a real-life story. Just for laughs. My first real full time job was as a Basic Emergency Medical Technician at a state MRDD (Mental Retardation/Developmental Disabilities) Institution. It was a big center with lots of residential areas, a small hospital, etc. At Halloween most employees dressed up. My co-worker and I dressed up as Klinger from the show MASH. It was a very popular show at that time. So we both wore dresses and nurses caps and when we had squad runs, we lifted our skirts and ran to the ambulance. OK, we wore cut offs under the skirts. Fast forward to my ER job. Everyone took old pictures in for a bulletin board and I though this pic of me would be funny. Until a young kid, who apparently did not know about Klinger and MASH told me I was brave to put up my cross dressing picture. I removed it immediately. :rofl:

 

[2quilt]

I want a second opinion from you, Doc. My husband has been ignoring me lately, so much that we haven't you-know-what in 3 months. I asked my primary care doctor for advice and he gave me some blue pills.

I knew that my Darling Husband would refuse to take them (male ego) so I dropped one into his morning coffee this morning and waited for the results.

Well, I have to report that 15 minutes after finishing his coffee this morning, he suddenly looked at me with a knowing grin and leapt over my newspaper, grabbed me and laid me on the table right there and you-know-what-ed me.

I loved it. The pills work! But now we have another problem.




We have been banned from Starbucks.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear 2Quilt,

Thank you for contacting my clinic.

You asked for a second opinion. This is difficult to do as I do not know vat the first opinion vas….:crazy:

So I vil go out of a limb and guess that you either vant to know if the pills are right, if slower acting pills are available, or what to do about spontaneous sex in a public place.

In my opinion, the pills are effective, as you can feel..err…see. They do make slower acting pills but I’d recommend you stay with the ones you have, and if you sense your hubby is not in the mood for sex even after the Starbuck incident, it would be morally wrong :stupid: to slip something in his coffee again, as that would be the equivalent of date rape. If he still resists your sexual advances, vhy not come into my office and ve’ll chat about it over coffee (my treat! :occasion:) and I’ll see what comes up.:kiss:

As for being banned from Starphucks, if you feel compelled to have sex in public coffee shops, I’d recommend switching either to Bridge“head” or Suck N Cup.

Please call Nurse Ratchet a.s.a.p. if you want an appointment- and I really think we should talk soon.


Sincerely,

Doc DVD MD PSy.

Bcc. Nurse Ratchet – Please schedule a separate appointment with Mrs. 2Qute, bring three cups of coffee about 14 minutes before her appointment, and hey, why don’t you join us - you’ve been working so hard lately.:Hug_emoticon: