Comfort without touch

[AnonymousGirl99]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some ideas. I've been struggling a lot in life and in therapy. Each session I leave feeling awful and each session I end up crying with my whole body - shaking, trembling, etc.

The tricky thing is, sometimes in these moments I yearn to be hugged. I need to be hugged. And my therapist informed me today that she has an absolutely no hugging policy.

Naturally, I took this wildly personal (I'm a disgusting POS, no one will ever want to touch me, etc.). It will take a while to get over this, but the thing is, it's causing a rift in my relationship with a really, really good therapist.

As I work through this, I know there will be more times I get upset and I will want her to comfort me. Does anyone have any ideas on how she can do this without touch?

I think she said she pats people on the back. But aside from that, any gestures, any sayings or expressions that people find helpful that their therapist does when they're upset?

Any suggestions welcome.

Thank you!
Ella

 

[Justmehere]

I wrap up in a blanket in my therapist's office sometimes.

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

I like that one! I used to bring my stuffed dog but got it of the habit... maybe that was helping more than I realized. Thank you for the suggestion!

 

[Phantom Shadow]

I had this problem with one of my T's. An after a while I asked about it too. She explained it to me that she does not want me to come dependent on her that would cause more problems to have to handle in the future. She was there to help me to deal with the past not to judge what I am feeling. She also told me it can lead to problems for some people falling in "love" with their T an again becoming dependent on them. Their has to be a deep relationship of doctor / patient in the office for most people to get better.

 

[deeplyloved]

I bring a comfortable shawl to wrap around myself. My T does not touch at all. We shook hands once the first time we met in person. I'm a very physically affectionate person, and a survivor of sexual violence...and I have had a number of occasions when my boundaries were crossed by other people and I just panicked and froze. So I can understand how fraught this situation is for professionals. I am also in a field where I need to be very careful and conscientious about touch. My acceptance or refusal of the offers of hugs from people can carry more weight than I intend.

Anyway, my T and I talk about how we can show affection and regard for other people without touch and I see her modeling for me. I've had to train myself to notice and to receive these things as ways of caring for me. For example: She walks all the way out of her office to get me in the waiting room. She offers and gets me water to drink. She moves her chair closer to mine, especially when I cry. She will hold the box of tissues closer for me. She answers my calls or texts within a couple of hours. She makes herself available on what I know are busy days.

I still wish she could hug me. So I'm not sure if this is helpful or not but I wanted to commiserate with you and share how I try to cope with it. I know my T is committed to making our relationship completely safe and healing for me. It sounds like yours is too.

 

[PeppermintTea]

My T also has a no touch policy with me because of the nature of my trauma. When I get that feeling of wanting to be held, I ask him if he will sit closer and he scoots his chair right up beside me. The closeness helps. Sometimes he will pat the couch. I ask him to explain in those moments why it's for my protection and it helps reassure me it isn't because he thinks I'm gross.

Last time he made a joke that we need one of those rope dog toys so we can each hold an end and he can tug it so I can physically feel his presence. He was joking, but I actually think that could be helpful!

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

Thank you guys so much for all your comments and insights. It is so painful but a little less when I know I'm not alone. I hate feeling so needy. I need to bring a blanket or shawl!

And deeplyloved, I think it's such a great thing to recognize other ways in which my T cares for me, because I know there are many. Perhaps I should keep a list...

It's just the frustrating thing of when you're in so much pain and the logical brain is just offline and the child in me (and parts of the adult) just cannot understand. And I have to trust that even though I can't understand everything, I have to trust my T. So effing hard.

But I'll keep trying. Thank you again for all your comments. <3

 

[Sideways]

I'm personally not up for being touched by my T, like, ever. But I did have a T once throw me an exercise called "loving kindness", where she taught me how to mimic touch all by myself.

So, there's something primal goes on in our brain which helps calm us with certain types of human touch. You can, with a bit of practice, achieve that calm by yourself, and there's a few different ways of doing it.

The one that I remember involved (1) sitting comfortably; (2) taking long deep breaths; then (3) gently placing your palm on your chest and rubbing in a slow circle motion.

Something to try out maybe...

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

Thank you! I'm going to try it.