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Coming out after being stalked

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I do understand that inability to trust my perception of reality, and past experience of people not being able to understand the pathological nature of a situation.
Yes. Thank you. I am trying to remove the 'program'. This one is really tough though. Still trying to put one foot in front of the other. Thanks so much for your validation and kindness.

Not least of all I have a history of blanking out warning signs.
Yes, this is my experience as well. I haven't actually heard it put quite so succinctly. Thank you for that. I believe this is one of my fears. That I won't 'see' what is right in front of me.
Not sure that avoidance is the way to deal with it though.

and I hesitate to get close to anyone on this site by personally messaging
I most certainly understand that and am sorry if I triggered something off in you. Please accept my apologies @Bkinder.

I'm not looking to get hurt again
Yes. This is at the core of what I am struggling with right now. I don't have it in me, and I know it, to face this shiest again.

but I hope you understand.
Absolutely no question. I understand 150%. No stress. No worries.

how are we doing today?
Oh boy. The shame (which I am not one to carry around so much) in not being able to move forward with this. Can't even begin to tell you. Or explain it to myself. This is not my normal 'go to' mode. I have always been a real go getter.

I don't even know why I can't start a thread on it. I fear my being stupid (?) is the closest I can come to it. Stupid in not being able to understand what I am told on that thread. Ridiculous, I know. Still the avoidance.

I am going to keep trying regardless of how minimal I believe my progress is. Thanks so much for checking in @TheBubzilla and each of you who have weighed in. It means a lot to me. :hug:
 
For me it’s about trusting myself to staying committed and following through. Following through means I might be successful-and I have to do a LOT more if I’m doing nothing.....put out lots more effort and follow through and finish things I start. It’s also accepting the fact that starting something new is an unknown, a risk, and I could fail- even if I tried my hardest. But with that knowledge comes I have 0 percent chance of success if I do nothing- and I can convince myself that not trying is better because I will be crushed and hurt and depressed and get hurt if I fail......resulting in wanting no more failures.... so I just don’t move forward. It’s safe- but it is a frustrating and unproductive place to be. Taking a risk could make you some money, teach you something new, brighten up your day, and raise your self esteem! :tdown:
 
I don't even know why I can't start a thread on it. I fear my being stupid (?) is the closest I can come to it. Stupid in not being able to understand what I am told on that thread. Ridiculous, I know. Still the avoidance.

I'd like to respectfully challenge this.
These are some of the questions I have....

What if instead of a fear of being stupid - you post up because you dodon know something and you want to learn?
What if you wanted to learn and you know that you can't know everything - so you post up as a fast way of gaining knowledge that will help you recover faster?
What if you've simply been taught that you're stupid for not knowing something you had absolutely no chance of knowing?
What if you should have been praised for the fact that you've recognised you have a building block missing and you want to obtain that?
What if your whole life is a Lego puzzle and instead of giving you the pieces you need, you've been shamed into being too scared to look for them?
What if you are actually an amazing, competent, beautiful person and instead youvey been programmed to ignore all of that for someone else's gain?
What if there's nothing wrong with you at all? What if your programmer was simply bad at it but taught you to take the blame?
 
Here are some questions to ponder....these came to mind:

What part of you is afraid of being stupid? You got an inner critic? If so, have a kind chat and bring it up to speed with your current world. It just feeds you those messages thinking you need protecting...but you don't.
What do you have to gain by not getting with it and trying? What might you lose if you don't try?
What is reinforcing your negative "do nothing" behavior? (You are getting something out of doing nothing....what is your personal gain for avoidance?"-there is always a gain for avoiding or we wouldn't do it.
Can you identify what other messages supporting or fueling your avoidance?
Do you really want to make positive changes and work, or is it just a passing thought....?
 
What part of you is afraid of being stupid?
This is actually a thing based in the trauma 11 years ago now. I had a car that was being tracked and I knew it. Something happened that day and threw me into a panic and I took my car (although I could have taken my son's) and drove it to get help at the shelter office in the courthouse.

He followed me and found confronted and threatened me. It is that feeling that I have every time I try to move forward and make myself seen in this world again.

You got an inner critic?
Nope. It is a feeling. Not a voice.

thinking you need protecting...but you don't.
I don't know that yet. And that is the truth.

What do you have to gain by not getting with it and trying?
Nothing to gain but again, this relates directly to the trauma of that day.

What might you lose if you don't try?
My sanity if it happens again.

what is your personal gain for avoidance?
Potentially my sanity - or whatever little of my sanity that I have left.

Can you identify what other messages supporting or fueling your avoidance?
Just terror. Can't seem to break that feeling somehow. I mean, that incident had me convinced that I couldn't make a decision to safe my life. For years. I have broken through that but I am terrified of him finding me and sending people after me again.

Do you really want to make positive changes and work,
It isn't just a want. It is a survival need. I must work again if I am going to live any semblance of a real life again.

I just don't know how to break through the wall.

On the upside, I was hired on Friday to work for the semi-local Honda plant as a driver. I had to disclose my CBD oil usage as I can't give that up and still function. Lost the opportunity.

I have resumes in for peer supporter work. There is some safety in that idea because it is impossible that the guy I am worried about will come there. However, there are technical issues about working in an office full time. I am not certain I am strong enough yet.

Which is why I want to work on my own. Internet presence or not I have skills in trauma, essential oils, peer support, etc. I just don't know how to do these things without outing my location.

I feel the need to say that I have been homeless for about 9 years now because of this fear of being 'found' if I have an address. I broke through that wall this past January. My proper address is on my D/L and all other documentation. The setup of the apartment is such that I have an extra bit of protection with a garage door that has me feel like they can't get to me this time.
 
I was hired on Friday to work for the semi-local Honda plant as a driver.
Well damn - look at you go!
I broke through that wall this past January. My proper address is on my D/L and all other documentation.
So proud. You've made the first steps but sometimes I wonder if it's fully sunk in just how huge those steps are!
The setup of the apartment is such that I have an extra bit of protection with a garage door that has me feel like they can't get to me this time.
Noice! It must be nice knowing you've so cleverly cocooned yourself.

Question - a lot of things you've done have been about controlling your environment, which can be done to an extent but is exhausting to maintain.

What about taking a self defence course to boost your confidence? So you can be any where, any time and feel solid in your boots.
 
This is actually a thing based in the trauma 11 years ago now. I had a car that was being tracked and...

You really are making headway. I am impressed! I think Bubzilla is right, a self defense course is a good idea.

Keep your online contact info simple-secure-you can put yourself out there online anonymously with relative ease.

Safety Options:
P.O. Box in a neighboring county for any mail/package business transactions.
Keep your business e-mail address separate with a different account....don't use your home e-mail address.
Make a second email address for them to contact you w questions about products.
Use snail mail or email for downloads and send out products from your P.O. in a nearby different county if you are concerned about someone nailing down your location....you will go a bit further to the P.O. but peace of mind has a price.
Use your computer for business, bills and other things non-public.....and you will keep your business computer more safe....do gaming on a different computer or device. I have 3 computers....one for Magic Jack....phone/fax only, one for business and creating business items for sale with an external back up, and one for pure social.....and the passwords are all very different.
All contact and questions with customers is done by e-mail....set up a bank account to your PayPal account for only your business.
Use a business name which doesn't have your name in it and you only need to include your P.O. Box-which isn't unusual.
Accept PayPal, bank debit, or their Credit Card-but credit card w at least 10.00 purchase.
Get a nickname....something unique that goes with your business.....make a logo instead of putting your picture out there.

Then assume nothing will happen and have a good time creating something that is solely yours. You will get there when you are ready. I'm sending good energy your way!
Keep up the fabulous progress!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D:):):):):):):):tup::tup::tup::tup::tup::tup::tup::tup:

This is actually a thing based in the trauma 11 years ago now. I had a car that was being tracked and...

If you don't mind me asking, how did you know for sure your car was being tracked? It's okay if you're uncomfortable sharing.
 
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I found the device in the car. I looked because people were 'finding me' when they shouldn't have known. My brand new car at the time was also dying from a drained battery.

I contacted the company that supplied the device - Ifinder - and confirmed that that device was in fact registered to my ex.

His brother had done the same to his ex a short while before. It all was a very long and twisted story.
 
Very creepy. I find that at times, my albatross knows where I am...where did you find the device in your car? I'm not paranoid or anything...LOL...but I've had this nagging feeling and am clueless as to how to determine whether I'm paranoid...or tracked.
 
device was in fact registered to my ex.
Well don't we just love it when people throw adult sized childish tantrums and aren't willing to learn that people aren't toys you get to keep and they can and will leave if you're an arse. Sheesh.....as the insurance ad here in Australia says (compare the market meekat for those of you who want a giggle) "Simplez"!!!!! *rolls eyes*
 
Okay, so I am ready to put my foot to the petal. It is terrifying. I was literally stalked, home invaded, bad people broke into my house, followed my car (tracking device), invaded my office for 2.5 years. I was forced, for my own sanity and safety to drop off the face of the earth.

I dropped out of internet life, made myself an alias. I used a PO Box as an address. Absolutely never shared my phone number. I literally haven't used my name or address or phone number for almost 11 years.

But if I am going to work again I need to put my name, phone number, even address out there again. It is terrifying.

I get that this is a 'back then' thing. I am still in the same area though. So it worries me. They used all sorts of 'strangers' (criminals) so I never knew who was just a stranger and who was involved with this campaign to terrorize me. All of this caused me to be homeless for just around 10 years.

I have just come out with my current address as I have gotten myself to the point that I can actually be in a closed in area again, 3.5 months ago. Address is registered properly with MTO (Ministry of Transport). Scary as all get out. I am now creating a paypal account and have been really dragging my feet on putting my name out there, but it must be done if I am going to work again (it is a business and I need to advertise etc).

Any thoughts on how to help break down this barrier? If I keep this avoidance behaviour up, I won't have any quality of life. I need to get through this..... Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Wow, @shimmerz ... I found this thread after mainly contributing to the Supporter forums. I think we've interacted before. I am also a stalking victim of 1 year. Most of mine was online harassment targeted and getting me fired, but was directed by an ex boyfriend who was violent to me many years ago...so there is some fear of personal safety. I live behind an 8 foot fence monitored by an alarm and cameras. I only go to work where security keeps an eye on my car or to the skating rink...which is soon to have a copy of my protective order and where we have police attending games and social skating sessions. And...I support a Combat PTSD Vet. Life is complicated to say the least...but I do understand some of his issues through all of this.

Be brave. It sounds like you are in the UK? I live in Texas...where people drive around with loaded guns in their cars...whether or not they can demonstrate if they can use them well. I am just super lucky to have been employed at the same job for 15 years where they are supporting me fully.

Occasionally, I watch Taken...and picture Liam Neeson as my hero coming to rescue me. It's a good escape for me. Exercise is also very helpful. I am also working with the victim's advocacy group in my city. The police are very close to tracing the IP and MAC address of my stalker so we can get some charges and hopefully closure here. Stay strong!
 
Is there a real possibility of someone actually still trying to track you?

If not, then rationality and bravery would probably be your ally.

If so, I don't know. I 'm in the same boat, trying to be as invisible as possible (like I do real good with that e_e). Mostly because of my ex, but I also have relative involved with organized crime who paid people to stalk and track me and my family
 
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