General Coming To An Understanding

[Mrs. T]

Wow Eleanor, that is a very interesting point. That makes a lot of sense.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said about it possibly being connected to his childhood. Now that I think about it, before we knew about ptsd, he would come up with excuses to get around some things. I always referred to H as someone who "worries too much".

For example: last summer, our son used to bring friends over. When H was at work, if they played in the house, I thought of the noise as the sweet sound of kids having fun. When H was home, it soon became the rule that "when daddy is home, you have to play outside with your friends". He had a few reasons. One was the noise, but I shrugged that one off, so he gave another one. His other was that he didn't want them to get hurt when they are in our care.

Thinking back, I really didn't understand why he had all these excuses for not having ppl over. I think he may have put up with some ppl simply because I didn't understand...maybe he didn't either.

H was diagnosed while this girl was staying with us. I know and understand why things got worse from her stay. He did agree to have her stay, but soon began to avoid home because she was here (especially when she started acting weird/subtly mean toward him). I think we have both started to have a better understanding of him since this. But we have yet to understand the route of it all.

This specific thing confuses me because we have always talked about adopting or making our home a place where ppl can freely come and go as they want or need. His mom cared for about 20 kids when he was a kid. He recalls this as a positive (always having a ton of kids to play with and grow up with). Now I wonder if there is any connection to how he views things now and this from his past. Or maybe it's something entirely different. He thinks his father brought kids home for his mom to care for as a way of controlling her. So she would not work and would not leave as she would never leave the kids.

 

[Eleanor]

Wow, sounds like there is a really really interesting conversation in you and H's future! 20 kids (over time I'm assuming) is a lot. And the odds are that there were one or two who maybe weren't so much fun. Plus, while it is someone to play with, it is also a LOT of his mother's time taken away from him.

Good luck with your digging. (Mixed feelings really, kind of like lancing an abcess - gotta be done and feels much better after but stinks and is gross doing it.):eek:

Hugs to you both!

 

[Mrs. T]

Actually I guess it was about 20 at one time (I think there were more then that over time!). He grew up in Africa. His father very rich and they had maids to help with the work at home.

Thank you so much Eleanor. You gave me a lot to think about. And yes, I think there is an interesting conversation in our future.

Hugs to you as well. So happy for the breakthrough for your husband!

 

[Daisygirl]

Finally he said "when ppl are here I feel like they are invading my privacy"

Hi Mrs. T,
After reading the posts by Eleanor and you, I thought of this earlier post you made, quoted above. I was wondering do you think this could be at the core of his trauma - a lack of privacy?

You mentioned that he shared his home with 20 other children, then he got worse when you had the girl staying at your home, and then when your sister-in-law was willing to stay with your son, your H gave the response above for his reason for not wanting her there.

If I am off-base, please disregard. I am analytical by nature, so sometimes I connect dots that aren't there. But I hope that maybe this could be an important connection, just because I know how frustrating it is to not understand why our spouses are acting the way they do!

Plus, I know for myself, having PTSD, how frustrated I feel wanting to behave normally, but not being able to.

 

[Eleanor]

(hyperventilating!!!) 20 at the same time?? with help there too???? YIKES. It is enough to drive me over the edge just thinking about it. how could anyone have any privacy (or feel like they did) with THAT many strangers in the house... I don't care HOW big it is. I know different cultures handle things differently (I'm a third culture kid myself) but great heavens. :eek::confused:

 

[Mrs. T]

Daisygirl, I think you have made a very valid point and one worth exploring. Thank you.

I don't know who most of the kids were. I know that some were cousins and some were the children of his father. He had women on the side. When they became pregnant, he brought the women home and H's mom also cared for them (if needed) and their children. His father and mother were "Christian"...so it's not like this was meant to be an acceptable thing...but he had control and he did what he pleased with it. H's mom could not refuse to care for someone.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi Mrs. T,

I agree with Eleanor. The idea of 20 other children in the home at one time seems so overwhelming. Plus I would imagine that your H would have had to share all his toys, possibly even his room? Even this one issue alone could create a situation where your H could have felt like he didn't have any rights or boundaries as a person.

I do hope that H and you can figure out the triggers that keep him from wanting family and friends to visit.:)