Childhood Coming To Terms: Mother Daughter Abuse

[blueangel371115]

All of this is so my mother. She's not a bad person. I'd like to believe that, but her thoughts and behaviors are not that of a normal human being. I wish we got along better, that we were close. So does she, but blames me for it. Like I hate her for no reason. I don't hate her but after everything, it's difficult to be her best friend. I can't please her, no matter what and she won't admit her previous actions were wrong and hurt me.

 

[amosmorris]

One of the things I've found--that I'm still continuing to come to terms with--is that in a lot of ways the familiar has to become strange in this case, and that's a really painful process. There was much I put in the category of "normal" and in fact--it's just plain not. And that includes my mother as a person, an individual--I have spent most of my life helping her to believe that she was the person she maybe wanted to be...that's been kind of a role I've played, inadvertently I guess, and I can't do it any more. Now I have an alternate view--one that sees her and some of the choices she made (and some she continues to make) from the outside. And this can be really hard to bear--I get very triggered and riddled with anxiety around her these days. Her physical mannerisms, even more minor stuff she says, her hyperactivity and general inattentiveness...all of it gets my heart racing now. I feel all of it now--like I'm some sort of open wound, finally. I have worked to limit my engagement with her while not overturning our relationship entirely because I haven't yet figured out an approach--I don't know what I want from her yet going forward (because right now it's just space).

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I wish we got along better, that we were close. So does she, but blames me for it.

Sounds like my mother too.

When I got older I finally decided to get away from her and stay away. My mother was a malignant narcissist (determined by my therapist and my description of my relationship with my mother). That therapist handed me a paper on narcissism and I read through right in his office. I was reading about my mother. I'll never forget the day I finally got that there was absolutely nothing I could've done to make our relationship work. My mother didn't want it to work. I was her competition at all times. And then I was her number one scapegoat. She had two scapegoats, the two middle kids, and two golden children, my oldest and youngest brothers. She played the relationships on each other; using each child as a weapon against the other siblings. This warped game continued throughout our lives until my mother died.

When my mother died in 2010, I didn't even go to her funeral. I never gave it a thought. Sounds rather crass and rude yet there was nothing left of the relationship. She had burned it all to ashes years before her death.

One thing I was able to do for one of my granddaughters was to give her positive experiences as a young child. When we played games I gave her huge handicaps so she could win. This was the complete opposite of my mother. She couldn't stand losing. Neither could my older brother. I believe he's a narcissist based on his behaviors. He was abusive like her.

One thing my mother used to do was pry into my life. Although I never knew it was happening at the time, I can look back and see that it occurred. She controlled and micro-managed every aspect of my life so that I wouldn't embarrass her. I had written several poems in a creative writing class about my abuse. She squelched that creativity. She dictated which friends I could keep, whether I could spend the night at their house, whether they could spend the night at our house, everything I could and couldn't do.

She altered my truth to fit the scenario that her life and family were perfect. Once during therapy I literally had the true memory emerge of what happened one day in kindergarten. It was shocking because I had been told a different story. Normally my memories didn't come out that way but this one did. I had started to talk about kindergarten and then suddenly I had the real memory come to the surface. It was freaky.

 

[amosmorris]

I'm sorry to hear all of it, @Incongruous and thank you for sharing on this thread--it's been a tremendous help to me to connect here with others who have these unique sets of experiences. I have experienced the return of memories in recent months and it's like getting hit with a ton of bricks. Hard stuff. Sending much healing to you.

 

[blueangel371115]

It really sucks, I can totally relate. She is great with my kids and not as mean spirited as she used to be. But she still plays the victim. I flat out told my new therapist I don't want to confront/discuss with her, my issues. She won't hear it and gets angry, which traumatizes me more. My previous therapist didn't get that at all. Like I wasn't going to get better unless we talked it out. He was a good therapist for many things but not really equipped to deal with my big issues. It does feel a little better to talk about it here.

 

[amosmorris]

It really sucks, I can totally relate. She is great with my kids and not as mean spirite...

So glad you mentioned this--as it's for sure where I'm struggling: I don't know that talking it out has much value with my mother. One of the reasons is because I don't know what the goal is; I don't imagine myself closer to her. Instead I want space. My T hasn't pushed any big talk or confrontation with my mother at all; and this makes sense since most of the time we are awash in the attachment, abandonment, and lack of trust crap she left behind...that is where my therapy work most resides...

 

[amosmorris]

I know some on this thread are further along in the healing process than me, and so I thought to just throw this lifeline request out there for any who might be able field: How do you mourn? What does it mean to grieve this? My T has started telling me lately that this is the place where I am, but frankly I am feeling confused and somewhat lost. Yes I have pain and deep sadness. But I have not longed for my mother in many years--what does it mean to grieve when the idea of your mother is repellant? When your mother hurt you? I don't quite get the "grieving for the mother I never had" yet--since I still feel strong anger towards the mother I do, technically, have. I have very painful transference towards my T as a maternal figure--and so I suppose the attachment pain and abandonment fear bring on a kind of grief: I am not delusional; I know she is not and can't be my mother. The sadness that wells up then, I'm embarrassed to say, feels a lot like shame and feeling sorry for myself. But then am I just mourning my T, the fact that she is not my mother? And..I don't know...when you don't want your own mother, and don't have the desire for real repair of that relationship...what does the grieving process feel like?

Part of me thinks I need to spend more time processing actual traumatic memory to get there. I have always just started to work through in sessions here and there and then I am too ashamed. My T knows the big picture at this point, but some of the fine-grained details I just...bah. Could that careful work be the pathway to true grieving? Do you feel like mourning has been an essential piece towards your healing?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@amosmorris
For me mourning started from the beginning, crying here and there over the losses I experienced in childhood. None of them involved sexual abuse by my father at that time.

When my mother died in 2010, I never felt a loss. She was my main abuser at home. I never attended my mother's funeral. I wanted nothing to do with her. Plus her death signaled inside of me the freedom to remember the my father existed contrary to what my mother had told me. Within six months of her death, new memories flooded my mind. I was finally remembering what my father did to me and others.

With my last therapist, I learned that mourning never stops as new pieces of the puzzle continue to come to light. I previously thought of grieving as an event. Then I discovered it was a part of the journey of healing without an ending. The intensity lessens over time.

 

[amosmorris]

@amosmorris
For me mourning started from the beginning, crying here and there ov...

Thank you, @Incongruous. I think I am looking for an "event"--what you say makes sense here and is a help to me. I am sorry for what you have weathered and thank you for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@amosmorris
Someone on here recommended reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. You can find it on the internet for free and download it as a PDF. I've been reading it on and off. The book definitely describes my journey in grieving. It's a short read; 55 pages long. It also talks about how others react toward you if they notice your loss/grieving.

The five stages of grieving don't happen in sequence except maybe the first one, shock/denial. Boy was I in that one for a long time. I denied the reality of my abuse during 21 years in therapy until I accepted that I had a different father than my brothers had. Then I integrated and basically stopped denying it happened. Though there are times...I still doubt the far out reality of my childhood. Yet they are lessened now and sound more like far away echoes in my head.