Relationship Communicating again

[Mytime]

Yep, I know that feeling. It can be very hard to let go of, what once was. He seems like he has some work to do on himself and healing. He really doesn’t sound ready for a relationship yet. Is he in treatment?

 

[Confused_84]

No, he’s not in treatment now that I know of. I know he was diagnosed with PTSD in 2014 and he started treatment and quit. My guess is treatment got hard because it’s not easy to face your emotions.

I know that it isn’t going to go back to how it was. I guess I just want him to tell me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be with me so I can move on fully.

 

[Mytime]

I know it hurts and can be hard to move on. But sometimes it’s better to just move on. He doesn’t seem to be in a place of trying to work on a relationship.
He’s not hearing you or want to understand your feelings. He wants to play the blame game. You asked him if he loved you and he chooses not to tell you. Which puts you in the beginning of push, pull. If he’s not willing to get help and he doesn’t have good coping skills, your only putting yourself in a push, pull cycle. You can always ask the big questions, just don’t be surprised if you don’t get an answer.

 

[Confused_84]

I didn’t realized that me asking that was part of the cycle.

 

[Mytime]

You asking the question, him not asking. You waiting for the answer and being confused when it doesn’t come.
You try to analyze things and so on.
You really need to do what’s best for you. Only you can control your side of the relationship. If you want to stick it out because you really feel it can work, I truly hope it does. But he has to put in the same effort on his end. It can’t work unless both are in it to win it.

 

[Confused_84]

It sounds like he is projecting. Perhaps he doesn’t trust you and he’s flipping it around by saying you don’t trust him. That’s my guess.

I have been thinking about projecting since you mentioned it. He told me at one point that I was really negative and a complainer. I have never thought of myself that way so I tried to never complain about stuff in front of him. In hindsight, he would complain about a lot of stuff himself, nothing ever seemed good enough. Like my son played in a soccer game and I thought he played a good game; however my ex had to point out everything my son did wrong and he’s only eight years old.

 

[Mytime]

You and your son deserve someone to build you up, not down. Someone to try and see the positive in things. I know we can’t see it a 100% of the time. But it can wear you down if that’s all someone sees is negative.

 

[Confused_84]

Thank you! I think I am struggling with how someone can’t even come out and say this just isn’t working for me. Instead, he completely shuts down.