Communication

[Bookoffee]

I am trying to explain to my wife that I shut down and have the hardest time trying to explain myself when she is negative towards me. For example, she had told me about a Christmas party she was invited too. The day of the party I asked her if she was going to that person's party. I said the wrong name of the friend and she seemed to get irritated with me because of this and replied, as I took it in anger "Her name is __, you never listen to anything"

I asked her why she had to be so insulting, just correcting her name is enough to let me know I made a mistake. We got into an argument over the way we talk to each other. She said she never knows what to say to me when I make a mistake, so I can work harder in the areas that need improvement. I was telling her she could say it in a better way. I knew I said the wrong when she corrected me, she didn't have to be rude about it. She is not understanding how to explain something to me that she wants me to work on in a non insulting way. Does anyone have any suggestions, websites or techniques they use for better communication?

 

[hushhush]

I'm not an expert but generally you want to avoid statements with "you" in them and opt for "I".

So instead of "You never listen to anything," she might have said, "I feel like I'm not being heard," or "I'm upset that everything I said wasn't remembered."

Again, I'm no expert. But the idea is to go deeper than the surface to expose your feelings and to own your own experience. Easier said than done in the moment.

If you really want to slow things down and avoid bumps in the road you'd then say, "I hear you saying that you don't feel heard, is that right?" If it's not, ask what you missed. If it is then try to empathize. Something like, "That must feel bad/like you're being dismissed/like you're uncared for."

If that sounds like too much remember that feelings don't have to be justified, they're just someone's experience of what's going on.

Hope that helps a little. I believe it's usually called active listening or "The couple's dialogue."