General Communication

[Paradoxal]

Communication

Hi all,

I'm just wondering if it's a good or a bad idea to contact my ex again? It's been a few months now and i'm very worried about him. He's undiagnosed and was pretty out of hand when we were still talking. He was mean to me, sometimes blocked me off for days, only called me when he was drunk or with his friends, and it was always at the most random late hours. He did know that he was doing wrong, and many times he did apologize for it. But i wasn't able to handle the ups and downs of what was going on, so i had to step back and ask that he not contact me anymore.

Now a few months has gone by, and he's just dropped off the planet. I think he deployed again, i'm not too sure, but i'm worried about him. Part of me feels like i made a huge mistake by letting him go. He never showed anyone his "bad" side, only me. I guess he felt like he could show me that? Or maybe i was just allowing the abusive behavior? I don't know. At that time i was in a bad place, and was losing myself with all of this. Now i'm in a much better place, and i feel much stronger. I love and care for this man very much. I feel like the feelings are mutual, but the undiagnosed ptsd is getting in the way?

I guess i try to put myself in his shoes, and when i do that i think to myself about what could be going through his mind. Was i the one person he was depending on to stay til the end? I have no idea. This up and down has been going on for a very long time between him and I. He always did tell me that he was so sorry for putting me through all of this, and that he hopes one day that i could understand where he is coming from and that he never meant me any harm. With this time we've had apart, it's done real good for me and i hope it's done good for him also.

Should i contact him? Is it a bad thing if i do? I don't even know what to say.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey,

You obviously do care for him very much, and coming from the other side of the fence, its what we need sometimes, but don't show it.
The problem is that we do hurt those we love and really don't know we are doing it.
You see, it takes a very strong woman or man to stand by someone with PTSD, particularly Combat PTSD.

To give you an idea, my ex-wife of 14 years even tried to participate as a support person on a PTSD course I did here in Australia, she left the course towards the end and that was that. She did not feel she could handle the ups and downs.
However, there were numerous other partners on the course that have stuck by their man/woman and are still with them today.

I found it easy to lose myself at work, because I could be a different person than what I needed to be at home. Its very hard to find a happy medium.

In answer to your question though, Yes, I feel you have nothing to lose. He is a very lucky man to have such a caring woman there for him. He just does not know it yet.

IMO, if I were you, I would let him know that you have sought advice, found information and are willing to be there for him. Baby steps.
He might not jump straight to it, but then again I don't know the man, he might. All I can say is be prepared if he does not show any interest.

Just being honest, hope it sheds some light.

Jimmy

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi P, you've had time apart to find yourself again - if you really feel strong enough now, test the waters, get in touch. IMO this would be a good move. You will never know if it's the right time.

I agree with Jimmy, baby steps. In my experience the trick is to keep a hold on the emotions too. You are full of love and caring for him but take is slowly.

He will benefit from professional help and hopefully he'll get that sooner rather than later.

 

[Paradoxal]

Jimmy and Resilientgirl, thank you for your responses. I actually tried to tell him a while back that i have sought much advice, and found a lot of information, and that i will always be there for him. He knew that. I used to tell him all the time, especially when i felt like he was really struggling.

Since i posted this thread, i still haven't made any contact with him. I guess one thing that bothers me is that i feel like i put so much into this relationship, and for it to just be destroyed. It kind of angers me that i cared, loved and supported him through it all, and he stopped trying, and isn't trying anymore.

Because of this i have not contacted him. I think the anger inside me over all of this, is the very thing that is keeping me away from contacting him. I removed myself from the situation because i was getting very hurt and angered by his words and actions. This is the very thing that keeps me from contacting him. He knows where he can find me if he chooses to contact me.

I do have a question though....i always did support him, but he pretty much drove me away. My question is, why would he do this? He was rude and mean to me at times, and often ignored me. Then there would be times when he'd apologize and tell me he doesn't mean any of it and he hopes one day i understand where he is coming from. I'd just like some insight into what could possibly be running through his mind in regards to what happened to us? And why he isn't making an effort to correct it, or apologize for anything he did wrong?

Any opinions will be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hmmm. That is a tricky one. I do not know what is in his head or how he is acting.

For me it was like this.
When I returned, I was happy to be home and with my wife and children. I thought everything was going fine.
I did not realise that alcohol was starting to become a problem, and I did not know that I was losing it all the time and tearing shreds of anyone in my path with a verbal assault, especially those I loved the most. My children ended up fearing me and my wife used to find reasons not to be around me which made me worse.

You see, for me, my mind would go out of control, and for someone with a regimented mentality (military training), it was not good. I had no way to control it so I tried to control those around me by yelling and screaming whether they were doing anything wrong or not. If they were not, I would find something.

Can you see where I was going with this. I hope it helps shed some light.

Once he acknowledges the problem and seeks help, he will have some idea on how to deal with it. Until then, I don't have an answer.

Jimmy

 

[anthony]

Honestly... I wouldn't contact him at all. Unless he is seeking help for himself, and actually applying it to better his life... the only thing you may get is that honeymoon period again, then it will wear off and reality will set in once again, and things will repeat.

Sometimes the damage is done in a relationship, and it can't be undone, whether by one or both parties. He may simply feel that he has hurt you too much, and that he will never return based on that. Again, he could feel guilty for a while, but unless he is actively learning and understanding what is wrong, correcting things, which takes years... then it will likely just fall apart again.

I know... I went through it with past relationships, off and on, off and on... it only caused more hurt and the end of the day, I knew things weren't right and shifted on myself or they moved on.