Compassion - An Emotion I Don't Numb

[doglover]

Exactly, ClairBear. That's what I was trying to say. I can feel FOR people but feeling for myself or even feeling with people beyond small doses, I get skeered.

It's easy to lose myself and my struggles in caretaking if I'm not careful. Especially when my environment usually rewards me for putting them first!

 

[Sandra]

Absolutely Doglover.
A lot of times too it depends what vibes we are getting from others.

 

[ClairBear226]

What do you do, Doglover?

I've been wrestling with the emotional goo lately, and not having an easy time of it. What I used to think was strength turned out to be numbness. And once I pushed the boundaries of that numbness, I haven't known what the hell to do with what I found. Dealing with my own emotions is something I am seriously underqualified for. But give me people that are sobbing with grief, and I can step up to the plate without fail. Dealing with their pain, and knowing what to say and do is something I'm very good at. My own? Hell. I get a big old FAIL.

 

[Sandra]

Last night was a good example of that. I guess I was showing I was a compassionate person. After I parked my car I was walking into the funeral home to pay respects to my friend that recently died. As I was walking into the building I was walking beside another nice couple. I asked if they were going for Cathy too and they replied yes. Then the lady puts her arm around my shoulder and we got talking about Cathy then. Very nice lady she was. And her arm around my shoulder felt good at the time. :) It was obvious she was a compassionate person too. :)
I'm sure with the loss of Cathy we were both comforting each other.

 

[doglover]

ClairBear, I work in a helping profession also! Social work background. Done some hospice work myself, and really enjoyed it. I found the detachment useful in that work - I mean being able to connect without burning out due to the nature of what you do with relationships being temporary.

I hear you 100% on finding it much easier to manage others' feelings, and being unsure how to manage my own goo. I feel wholly unprepared to deal with my own feelings. They squeeze out sometimes, and I'm numb much of the time. I am uncomfortable feeling like I have to learn what non-traumatized people learn in childhood. It's embarrassing.

So yeah, I hear you. I can come through for others with flying colors when they are despairing but when it comes to applying that skill set to myself... I don't know where to begin and I feel like a big mess!

Sandra, ((((huggles)))))
I'm sorry you lost your friend. Do something nice for yourself today/tonight, would ya?

 

[Sandra]

No I didn't do anything special Doglover. I have been overdoing it lately with all of this running around lately. So I Iistened to my body and took some pain killers and rested today after I got back from the wound care clinic. Maybe tomarrow if I'm not in too much pain. And thanks for the well wishings and your concern. :)

So sad to see people die so young. She was only 54. I had known her my whole life. She died of cancer.

 

[Sandra]

It's surprising how even strangers can leave such a good impression on you like it did with me last night.

 

[maddog]

As others have said, I find it much, much easier (quite instinctual in fact) to offer compassion, empathy, or whatever you choose to call it to others. I actually believe it's easier to offer this because it is an emotional expression over which I have complete control. In essence, it's all about the other person and not about me at all. I have control. I choose what to offer, when and how to offer it, who to offerit to and, if necessary, when and why to take it away again. All about me, the end...

This is inherently so so much safer for me than placing myself in any situation where the emotional intent is directed at me. So needless to sayI find myself almost obsessively seeking to help and support others at times, more and more so when I feel worse and worse about myself. For this reason, I provide the ideal platform for my T to incessatnly ask me to think about what I would say to someone in my situation and to consider how that hypothetical dialogue would differ from my own analysis of myself. There is inevitably a yawning chasm of difference, and the rational part of my brain knows that's illogical, and I can't explain in any way why I judge myself and my own behaviour againsta complete different standard to that which I apply to others, but I do, and the harder I try to convince myself out of it, the less I can.

Odd, isn't it.

MD

 

[ClairBear226]

I hear that one loud and clear. Have been writing about that lately, actually. I sort of feel like I bought into the whole "get it out" philosophy, and that breaking past the numbness and beginning to deal with the goo was a necessary part of working on the PTSD symptoms. So I did. I talked (okay, I wrote). Great. I feel . Now what? What the heck am I supposed to do with it?

And yet, I had a orienting nurse that was with me last night for a patient death. There were multiple family members wailing and crying, and she didn't know what to do. My answer? LET THEM CRY. I sat there and told her that crying is a completely normal response to grief, and there is absolutely nothing she should be doing to stop it. And just like Maddog said, even as I said it, I knew I have a COMPLETELY different set of rules for myself as for everyone else. Me? Cry in front of anybody? Not if I can help it! I'd rather have a root canal, a PAP smear, and deal with a used car salesman on the same day.

 

[Sandra]

I might go do something special tomarrow after I go to the wound care clinic again. Just not sure what though. Any suggestions? It can't be too physical though since I'm not very mobile anymore.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am able to feel compassion and empathy! I was a very cold judgemental person....until I went through a tragedy or two. But, I rarely extend that understanding to myself. I work on trying to feel worthy, but just feel like I will never be strong enough to overcome my self-loathing.

When I AM compassionate with people...in those moments...I feel worthy! But, I still distance my SELF. Can't show the REAL me...

 

[doglover]

Maddog, I understand what you mean about looking for ways to help others, even when you can sense it's a means of avoidance. That's just easier than running headlong with the feelings of shame and worthlessness. To lose myself in caretaking means I don't have to figure out what I want or need.

ClairBear, congrats on accessing your emotional goo! I don't know what to tell you as far as what to do with it. What do you mean anyway? Are you aware of the feelings but not expressing them or what?

I also use a different set of rules. I think it goes back to abuse in my case. ClairBear were you abused? I think one hazard of trauma is the way we make it OUR fault, to survive in a world that is a teensy bit safer than it would be if powerful figures were just that cruel. So in my case I think one reason I apply compassion to others more easily than I do to myself is the lingering effects of taking too much responsibility for the things that gave me pain.

Except it's also as I said earlier... a sign that I'm not really dead or numb to everything. I just monitor and tweak things inside, micromanaging my emotional self. Feelings that I deem safe to feel get through. Feelings I don't deem safe do not, unless my stress cup is overflowing ;)

Sandra - what do you like? What soothes you and makes you feel special?

AngelKeeper - can't show the real you. Well the you I have seen here is generous, kind and supportive and most definitely worthy of the desires of her heart.