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Complex PTSD - Searching For Identity
- Post starter JohnnyM53
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- #14
Hi 2quilt,
I won't attempt to explain the differences beween both disorders because I'm not knowledgeable enough nor qualified to do so and so I may end up creating confusion more than anything else. But you can check out Anthony's and other posts under PTSD FORUM-INFORMATION-C-PTSD, to give you a flavor of the very lengthy and complex definition of C-PTSD - also called Disorder of Extreme Stress and possibly Developmental Trauma Disorder.
I won't attempt to explain the differences beween both disorders because I'm not knowledgeable enough nor qualified to do so and so I may end up creating confusion more than anything else. But you can check out Anthony's and other posts under PTSD FORUM-INFORMATION-C-PTSD, to give you a flavor of the very lengthy and complex definition of C-PTSD - also called Disorder of Extreme Stress and possibly Developmental Trauma Disorder.
I just wondered because my diagnosis is PTSD with Depression, so I just wondered how complex I am. Does that diagnosis mean that I am just simple? What's the difference between Depression and Major Depression? Does my diagnosis mean that I am a minor?
Just being silly.
I will read the definitions.
Just being silly.
I will read the definitions.
Great question, JohnnyM...
This symptom has been (and still is) one of the most difficult for me. For me, it goes hand-in-hand with depersonalization and fragmentation.
If I were a library, it would be much like being able to only open one book at a time. When I'm operating from one part of myself, the rest isn't really accessible. It's more like a memory of someone I knew. I try to be consistent with people -- try to remember which "book" was open when I was with them and be that 'part' when I'm with them. This can be tricky because I do sometimes misplace books!
The last few years I've developed a fairly stable "one size fits all" persona, and, although I don't see that as "me", I show up as a more consistent, definitive person(a). Nevertheless, I have had some people say they've experienced me acting like a completely different person from the one they've experienced before and, apparently, it's a disconcerting experience.
My main accomplishment with these related issues has arrived very recently (within the last couple of months, I'd say). I've been working for quite some time on developing an awareness of an inner helper (there are no good names for this...they all sound cheesy: inner caregiver, nurturing inner voice, good parent, compassionate inner voice, etc.) and it has finally come to the point where I experience this "inner helper" as very real, very present, and more and more accessible throughout my day and in times of distress.
I have an hourly alarm on my watch and a log that I fill in at each "check in". It's taken an enormous amount of work, persistence and determination, but the payoff is that it's finally there a lot of the time. The strength of it is what I also now need to work on. I would consider this part to be the essential, authentic part of me. That initial nugget of self that didn't get a chance to form before, naturally, is now being "grown" by me, consciously. This essential core of self will inform all other 'parts' and, my hope is, will lead to integration and a more rounded, fuller sense of self.
-Dylan
This symptom has been (and still is) one of the most difficult for me. For me, it goes hand-in-hand with depersonalization and fragmentation.
If I were a library, it would be much like being able to only open one book at a time. When I'm operating from one part of myself, the rest isn't really accessible. It's more like a memory of someone I knew. I try to be consistent with people -- try to remember which "book" was open when I was with them and be that 'part' when I'm with them. This can be tricky because I do sometimes misplace books!
The last few years I've developed a fairly stable "one size fits all" persona, and, although I don't see that as "me", I show up as a more consistent, definitive person(a). Nevertheless, I have had some people say they've experienced me acting like a completely different person from the one they've experienced before and, apparently, it's a disconcerting experience.
My main accomplishment with these related issues has arrived very recently (within the last couple of months, I'd say). I've been working for quite some time on developing an awareness of an inner helper (there are no good names for this...they all sound cheesy: inner caregiver, nurturing inner voice, good parent, compassionate inner voice, etc.) and it has finally come to the point where I experience this "inner helper" as very real, very present, and more and more accessible throughout my day and in times of distress.
I have an hourly alarm on my watch and a log that I fill in at each "check in". It's taken an enormous amount of work, persistence and determination, but the payoff is that it's finally there a lot of the time. The strength of it is what I also now need to work on. I would consider this part to be the essential, authentic part of me. That initial nugget of self that didn't get a chance to form before, naturally, is now being "grown" by me, consciously. This essential core of self will inform all other 'parts' and, my hope is, will lead to integration and a more rounded, fuller sense of self.
-Dylan
Blues in NYC
Silver Member
@ 2quilt:
As I understand it, cPTSD often results from either multiple trauma or one source of trauma drawn out over many years. Often, sufferers of extended child or domestic abuse develop cPTSD. But the suite of symptoms also has presented itself in political prisoners and torture survivors. Many sufferers of cPTSD describe not knowing a "before." I'm not sure if this trait is necessary though, as it may just be due to the fact that as I said many sufferers of this suite of symptoms were victims of abuse that started very early in life and stunted, interrupted or retarded psychological and social development in one fashion or another.
Back on topic, I recently described to a friend where I am in my recovery now as follows:
It is like somewhere around age six, a very complex, difficult to navigate rat maze was lowered onto the field of possibility in my life. From about that age on, EVERYTHING--my ambitions, my fears and concerns, the sort of friends I sought out, the hobbies and interests I pursued and nurtured, the temptations I eschewed--all of this stuff that ultimately makes up who we are was defined in response to me navigating the maze of my mother's ill mental health.
Now, in my late 30's, it's like a cable has been attached to that maze and it is slowly getting winched up. For the first time I can see a field of life possibilities that I have never ever seen as an adult. So much has come into question that combined forms a pretty significant (hopefully momentary) identity crisis: do I enjoy the work I do in my career? do I actually like these hobbies that I've done for years to distract my mind? if I'm not trying to please someone else or magically heal my mother, what is it that *I* actually like? and so on...
It's both exciting and frightening. And though it makes perfect sense when looking back at the arc of my treatment and recovery (and even back further at my entire history of trauma), I had no anticipation of this moment. I spent a lot of my life hyper-selfaware. Not existentially but rather as a form of hypervigilance. Any mistep might have sent my mother careening into a fit of abuse, self harm and as I learned in my teens maybe even suicide. And since nobody intervened on MY part, especially my mostly emotionally absent work obsessed father, I was never ever told this was NOT my responsibility. So like some sort of ninja ballet dancer, I had to become aware of my every gesture, my every footfall. So in a sense I really *knew* myself in that context. But now that the context has changed and I'm getting the first rays of internal, soulful freedom--these old ways just don't seem to apply anymore. And as I said, I'm both frightened and exhilerated. But just like everything else I've learned in recovery, I'm learning to not try to rush this formation of a new identity. Though maybe hard to believe, I'm learning to trust nature and take it day by day by day...
At the other side of this process, a new me will be waiting for me. And when I stop and talk to that new me, I'll realize that he'd been walking with me the entire time. In this I have faith.
As I understand it, cPTSD often results from either multiple trauma or one source of trauma drawn out over many years. Often, sufferers of extended child or domestic abuse develop cPTSD. But the suite of symptoms also has presented itself in political prisoners and torture survivors. Many sufferers of cPTSD describe not knowing a "before." I'm not sure if this trait is necessary though, as it may just be due to the fact that as I said many sufferers of this suite of symptoms were victims of abuse that started very early in life and stunted, interrupted or retarded psychological and social development in one fashion or another.
Back on topic, I recently described to a friend where I am in my recovery now as follows:
It is like somewhere around age six, a very complex, difficult to navigate rat maze was lowered onto the field of possibility in my life. From about that age on, EVERYTHING--my ambitions, my fears and concerns, the sort of friends I sought out, the hobbies and interests I pursued and nurtured, the temptations I eschewed--all of this stuff that ultimately makes up who we are was defined in response to me navigating the maze of my mother's ill mental health.
Now, in my late 30's, it's like a cable has been attached to that maze and it is slowly getting winched up. For the first time I can see a field of life possibilities that I have never ever seen as an adult. So much has come into question that combined forms a pretty significant (hopefully momentary) identity crisis: do I enjoy the work I do in my career? do I actually like these hobbies that I've done for years to distract my mind? if I'm not trying to please someone else or magically heal my mother, what is it that *I* actually like? and so on...
It's both exciting and frightening. And though it makes perfect sense when looking back at the arc of my treatment and recovery (and even back further at my entire history of trauma), I had no anticipation of this moment. I spent a lot of my life hyper-selfaware. Not existentially but rather as a form of hypervigilance. Any mistep might have sent my mother careening into a fit of abuse, self harm and as I learned in my teens maybe even suicide. And since nobody intervened on MY part, especially my mostly emotionally absent work obsessed father, I was never ever told this was NOT my responsibility. So like some sort of ninja ballet dancer, I had to become aware of my every gesture, my every footfall. So in a sense I really *knew* myself in that context. But now that the context has changed and I'm getting the first rays of internal, soulful freedom--these old ways just don't seem to apply anymore. And as I said, I'm both frightened and exhilerated. But just like everything else I've learned in recovery, I'm learning to not try to rush this formation of a new identity. Though maybe hard to believe, I'm learning to trust nature and take it day by day by day...
At the other side of this process, a new me will be waiting for me. And when I stop and talk to that new me, I'll realize that he'd been walking with me the entire time. In this I have faith.
I very much resonated with what you said here, Blues:
"Any mistep might have sent my mother careening into a fit of abuse, self harm and as I learned in my teens maybe even suicide. And since nobody intervened on MY part, especially my mostly emotionally absent work obsessed father, I was never ever told this was NOT my responsibility. So like some sort of ninja ballet dancer, I had to become aware of my every gesture, my every footfall. So in a sense I really *knew* myself in that context."
I've always used the analogy of wild animals at a watering hole...the prey animals could almost sense when the predators were on the hunt, but only if they were constantly aware of every move. I often felt like an animal, sniffing the air for danger, for changes in my mother's demeanor. Much like a marionette doll, I moved and lived being highly aware of my every nuance and movement and how I could perceive the emotions, moods and whims of others.
"Any mistep might have sent my mother careening into a fit of abuse, self harm and as I learned in my teens maybe even suicide. And since nobody intervened on MY part, especially my mostly emotionally absent work obsessed father, I was never ever told this was NOT my responsibility. So like some sort of ninja ballet dancer, I had to become aware of my every gesture, my every footfall. So in a sense I really *knew* myself in that context."
I've always used the analogy of wild animals at a watering hole...the prey animals could almost sense when the predators were on the hunt, but only if they were constantly aware of every move. I often felt like an animal, sniffing the air for danger, for changes in my mother's demeanor. Much like a marionette doll, I moved and lived being highly aware of my every nuance and movement and how I could perceive the emotions, moods and whims of others.
onebravegirl
Gold Member
I don't agree with that statement about not ever knowing who we are.
Every human being on earth is a work in progress. Not just us with C PTSD. We all choose day by day how we want to identify ourselves. There is room in this world for us all, we are all unique and beautiful when we stop trying to define our character with short labels. The one constant in life is change. We are all changing. GROWING. It is a wonderful process. We define our selves. No one else. So I think that who ever wrote that you will never know your own self is a lost idiot. Just my opinion. I say just focus on appreciating your own value without listening to someone else telling you who you are. YOU know who you are better than any stranger in a book. You live in your own head, not any on else. I mean what is their measure of comparison? Just their own opinion!:rofl:
O
Every human being on earth is a work in progress. Not just us with C PTSD. We all choose day by day how we want to identify ourselves. There is room in this world for us all, we are all unique and beautiful when we stop trying to define our character with short labels. The one constant in life is change. We are all changing. GROWING. It is a wonderful process. We define our selves. No one else. So I think that who ever wrote that you will never know your own self is a lost idiot. Just my opinion. I say just focus on appreciating your own value without listening to someone else telling you who you are. YOU know who you are better than any stranger in a book. You live in your own head, not any on else. I mean what is their measure of comparison? Just their own opinion!:rofl:
O
- Post starter
- #20
I can really relate to Dylan and Blues posts. During the years of abuse and for a good 20 years after, just about every move, every breath, every gesture was monitored when around people, through hyper-self-awareness and vigilance.
It took years of work to slow down my thoughts and nervous system processes to become somewhat calm.
It was an awful way to live, especially in social situations, walking the streets, large group events, etc.
I had no choice. I could not be who I wanted to be, let alone know who I really was because what I experienced was a complete lack of security, self confidence, self esteem, sefl-knowledge, self-direction. I didn't even know what I wanted mattered, let alone what is was I actually did want or liked/preferred.
Was that me? Was that the real me? Unpleasant as it was, it was the only "me" I knew back then.
But today, all is good with me. The hard work, years of self-analysis and therapy, the getting rid of stressors, etc., paid off.
Am I still the same guy? Sure. of course. But now I am confident, have healthy self-esteem based on a balanced view of who and what I am and am not, I know what I want, like, dont like, etc.
But what if I hadn't done all that work? What if I turned to a life of crime or long term addiction, or had simply repeated the cycle of abuse?
I would have never known what I could have become. And I'm certain that had it not been for the hard times and the ensuing struggle to regain my sanity and mental health, I would be different from who I am today.
But, if today I was the way I was at age 10 or 25, I would not have known who I was or could become because all I would be is simply surviving day to day - a walking, talking mind and body experiencing a chronic condition called disorder of "extreme" stress.
And when you are living under "extreme" stress almost 24/7, you will never know who you are because you are simply "surviving and reacting" to the environment - nothing more.
It took years of work to slow down my thoughts and nervous system processes to become somewhat calm.
It was an awful way to live, especially in social situations, walking the streets, large group events, etc.
I had no choice. I could not be who I wanted to be, let alone know who I really was because what I experienced was a complete lack of security, self confidence, self esteem, sefl-knowledge, self-direction. I didn't even know what I wanted mattered, let alone what is was I actually did want or liked/preferred.
Was that me? Was that the real me? Unpleasant as it was, it was the only "me" I knew back then.
But today, all is good with me. The hard work, years of self-analysis and therapy, the getting rid of stressors, etc., paid off.
Am I still the same guy? Sure. of course. But now I am confident, have healthy self-esteem based on a balanced view of who and what I am and am not, I know what I want, like, dont like, etc.
But what if I hadn't done all that work? What if I turned to a life of crime or long term addiction, or had simply repeated the cycle of abuse?
I would have never known what I could have become. And I'm certain that had it not been for the hard times and the ensuing struggle to regain my sanity and mental health, I would be different from who I am today.
But, if today I was the way I was at age 10 or 25, I would not have known who I was or could become because all I would be is simply surviving day to day - a walking, talking mind and body experiencing a chronic condition called disorder of "extreme" stress.
And when you are living under "extreme" stress almost 24/7, you will never know who you are because you are simply "surviving and reacting" to the environment - nothing more.
Supression_fail
New Here
I fell similar to this. It seems once I hot my breaking point, which had started when my mom got taken off chemo cuz her body couldn't handle it anymore, I just seemed to have lost touch with myself. And after I watched her die.. it shook my entire foundation. I have small moments where I'm "my old self" again. Sometimes naturally, sometimes forced. But 99% of the time, I'm just going through the day in a haze trying to figure out the world around me again and my place within it.
Lionheart
Not Active
I am not totally clear on what is so bad about spending our lives in search of ourselves; I mean what better reason for living than the continual exploration and daily discoveries of who we truly are?
I once wholeheartedly believed that "I" died at one point in my past, but what I discovered was that “I” was only buried deep within myself as part of yet another miraculous protective mechanism. So that I never lost that part of me I only temporarily “misplaced it” if you will.
As for the symptoms of complex PTSD it serves to acknowledge more of the damage and will perhaps lead to better treatment one day.
Just my two cents so please take it as such.
I once wholeheartedly believed that "I" died at one point in my past, but what I discovered was that “I” was only buried deep within myself as part of yet another miraculous protective mechanism. So that I never lost that part of me I only temporarily “misplaced it” if you will.
As for the symptoms of complex PTSD it serves to acknowledge more of the damage and will perhaps lead to better treatment one day.
Just my two cents so please take it as such.
onebravegirl
Gold Member
I agree with Lionheart. There is this saying (I collect quotes) "A heart can be broken but it can also grow back bigger".
Growing pains hurt sometimes. Our bones ache and our outlook changes, but it is all good in the end.
Injuries ache or itch, but that doesn't mean that we are not healing in the process!
I would never wish anyone to have to go through what I have, but I cherish my history as part of who I have become. In the end it has made me a wiser and much more compassionate person than most people I know who have had a somewhat normal life.
What doesn't kill you, makes you crazier for a while, and then makes you much stronger.
Growing pains hurt sometimes. Our bones ache and our outlook changes, but it is all good in the end.
Injuries ache or itch, but that doesn't mean that we are not healing in the process!
I would never wish anyone to have to go through what I have, but I cherish my history as part of who I have become. In the end it has made me a wiser and much more compassionate person than most people I know who have had a somewhat normal life.
What doesn't kill you, makes you crazier for a while, and then makes you much stronger.
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