Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)

[Nicolette]

I guess maybe I am just stupid.

Nope, just wanting to be loved 'normally' by your mother and her be the adult and not you. I so get it. My fortune was the first hand insight into being able to see the difference in the way I chose to handle things and the way my sister did. My sister is a mess.....I would die to not live like that, so if you're on a sinking ship and you know why it is sinking you either fix the problem or drown. I chose to swim out of their and not even be on the boat....that way I don't even have to make decisions I shouldn't have to worry about it life.

It's sad to admit that being able to see my sister struggle was the godsend which saved me from where she is at.

Iam mental illness has varying degrees. I think, please tell me if I am wrong, but your issue is not about your judgment of your mother as you already know the answer to that. The issue is going against all your mother tells you and everything you grew up believing?

 

[Iam]

Perhaps Nicolette. One of my T's has told me that adults who were abused as children are still looking for that love and acceptance from the parent/s and if not getting it from them, they look for it in others. When in reality, we need to be that accepting, loving, encouraging and compassionate parent to ourselves.

Yes, mental illness has varying degrees, but I think the big difference is that I am working on myself and she doesn't have the guts to do it. I know she is trying to treat me better. She does praise me frequently and I know that she is proud of me. She also hurts for me because of my illness and has apologized for her part in it.

My T told me today that she thinks both my husband and I are emotionally abusive to eachother. I believe it to be true. I have felt wrongly justified, my husband has routinely said he will never treat me that way again. Yet he always goes back to treating me that way.

I mention my husbands emotional abuse along with this about my mom because it is the same in the fact that nobody can just will themselves to stop being emotionally abusive. We have to understand the dynamics of why we do it and learn new patterns of behavior.

With my mother, I can expect her to be abusive in the future when she doesn't get her way. If I can not take it personally and put it back on her I will be fine. Fortunately with my husband, when I told him tonight what my T said and showed him the book she suggested we read, he said he was willing to read it. Maybe after he does he will be willing to go into counseling with me. We'll see.

I have been a victim of physical abuse& emotional abuse by my father, rape by strangers and emotional abuse from my mom and husband. I can tell you that for me, the emotional abuse is by far the most damaging.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I am just starting to learn about the why's, how's and solutions to emotional abuse. Not sure where it will take me.

 

[Nicolette]

I have been a victim of physical abuse& emotional abuse by my father, rape by strangers and emotional abuse from my mom and husband. I can tell you that for me, the emotional abuse is by far the most damaging.

Ditto with some slight modifications....that is why I identify with you. I still don't know the answers but I know I got out or away from everything you write about which is troubling you. If only hindsight worked with this stuff and I could just tell you if you do A, B and C then you will be able to move forward.

The only thing I disagree with is that emotional abuse can be taken non personally - it's emotional so it hits you right at the heart...how can that not be personal? I used to do and take emotional abuse well as that's how I grew up. Now, in most situations, as Anthony would say, I "have balls". I was the only person who could give myself my strength back as I was the one giving it away by excusing emotional abuse of others towards me.

 

[Jade-]

I was the only person who could give myself my strength back as I was the one giving it away by excusing emotional abuse of others towards me.

Sometimes when reading, certain statements really stand out and help me.....this is one of them. Thanks.

 

[Iam]

I TOTALLY agree that we have to stand up for ourselves. I still completely believe that an abusive person has issues, it is their issues that cause them to be emotionally abusive. It is not the abused person who is" bad" or whatever, it is the abuser who is trying to make them feel that way. However, there is no doubt that the abused can perpetuate the abuse by allowing it to continue. So when I say that it is the abuser's issues not my personal faults that is not to say that the abuse should be allowed.

There is also a type of emotional abuse that is totally unintentional. There are people, my husband for example, who just say stupid, insensitive things (not that he doesn't say others things to purposefully control at times too). I take the insensitive things personally too. Those things shouldn't be said, the words are wrong, but when I remember that it is his issue, not anything I have done, I can put it aside as far as not letting it hurt me. That is NOT to say that I don't tell him how I feel about it. I try to use the "when you say.....it makes me feel....what I need you to do.....then I feel more loving (or whatever) towards you and that's what we both want. Right?"

We love eachother, there is no doubt about that. I want our relationship to work so I am really trying to use the above approach instead of just withdrawing. It's hard for me right now as I just want to pull into my shell, but I am doing it.

We have to have the balls to stand up for ourselves, set boundaries, consequences when they are crossed and stick by them. If a person won't respect the boundaries then we need to, for our own good and theirs, cut off contact. Otherwise we are allowing and perpetuating the abuse.

 

[Jade-]

, there is no doubt that the abused can perpetuate the abuse by allowing it to continue

That is so true. But sometimes it's hard for people to even realize they're being abused. Alot of times I don't know if it's just me over-reacting or if I'm truly being mistreated. It's frustrating to have to call a friend and ask them if this or that is something I should be upset about . To them it's so obvious, but to me, it's not.

.

 

[Iam]

I completely understand that Jade. I doubt my perceptions as well. My trauma T suggested Friday that my husband and I read "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engels. I bought it on the way home and read the entire book over the weekend. I am now going back thru it to do the exercises. Anyway, she suggested the book so that we will both understand what emotional abuse is. Physical abuse is obvious, emotional abuse on the other hand can be very subtle. I would recommend that you read the book, I am finding it helpful. My only fear is that I am going to be looking for abuse in everything and I really don't want that to be my focus, but I guess I need to give it my attention until I truly come to understand and am able to see it for what it is.

 

[Nicolette]

I guess I need to give it my attention until I truly come to understand and am able to see it for what it is.

Agreed....reprogramming the mind is not for the faint hearted nor can you give everything but your all if you want to see the trees in the forest. :rolleyes:

 

[Jade-]

Thanks for the book suggestion Iam. I will definitely pick it up this week and check it out.

Maybe looking for abuse in everything isn't such a bad thing....how else are we going to know if we don't look for it?

 

[Iam]

I agree Jade, at least initially. Hopefully we will get to the point where it is automatic for us to recognize it and more importantly, not allow it ;)

 

[Nicolette]

Maybe looking for abuse in everything isn't such a bad thing....how else are we going to know if we don't look for it?

The way I found out the differences was really taking notice of things which made me feel uncomfortable but others thought fine (the opposite side of the coin and highlighting bad thinking programmed) and to watch how others treated others. I would watch and think "I like that, how do I get that? What am I doing wrong to not have that?" and some of it was the boundaries I even set for myself.

Remember way back when all your trauma started and something in your gut didn't feel right but you were told it was ok or you were told to shut up and keep quiet etc? It's finding that little 'gut voice' again which can also help you see things you turned off seeing. The things which make you go numb (to stop the pain) are also signs.

Books are great....I have a cupboard full. It's also important to learn to trust your own judgment too. Whatever helps you get there doesn't matter as long as you get there.

I used to watch my sister take baby steps towards help and then someone would get in her ear again and she would revert. It's time to trust yourselves.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

My gf has just been diagnosed (first session but T is fairly sure) with C-PTSD. I have to say, I wasn't suprised as I was spotting many signs.

Of course I was saddened as I wouldnt wish it upon anyone. On the flipside, she's finally seeking help (so glad). She sent me roses yesterday with an 'I love you' card and the poor thing sent me into a bit of a flashback unintentionally. The main perpetrator for my PTSD would send me roses all the time. I just sat on the couch with the gorgeous roses staring at me for about 2 hours feeling ~completely~ triggered before I gave them to my mum. I couldn't have them in the apartment but I didn't wanna throw them in the rubbish as my gf had meant well sending them and it was a beautiful gesture.

Anyway, while I'm really sad about the diagnosis - I just wanted to type out how proud of am of her to be seeking help. That's the first step and it's not an easy one.