Complex Trauma From Parents

[Heather]

yes, they can be 'nice' at time.

And this is when you have to be the most CAUTIOUS! My d.v. counselor warned me about this very thing. When I didn't have a car my mother acted like it was the biggest inconvenience to help me out when I needed to be rushed to the e.r. BUT now that I have a car she's more than willing to drive me to dr's appts. etc.etc.

That's because (according to my counselor) she no longer has control. I don't need her help anymore because I have my own transportation. She's trying to weasel her way back in. What a jerk.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Its not naive, its fact. People can change IF they want too.

If our parents were going to change, they would have already, long ago, and their children would not be reading about children who have (C)PTSD as a result of their childhoods (if that is what it was :) ).

<Edited by Anthony: cut quote down - please do not quote entire posts, just the part you want to respond, otherwise just open with the respondents name>

 

[Sethe]

Does anyone here *NOT* identify with the "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers" here:
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
Some of you will be familiar with it, it's mainly for people who think every mother loves her children :).
My mother (Yeti the Abominable Snowmum) is not 'like' this. She *IS* this.

Scott

Hmm, I can't read it all now- triggering. Based on my reaction, I can only assume that she fits, at least part of, the bill.

Maybe I'm still in denial. I mean, she's not like Joan Crawford.

 

[anthony]

If our parents were going to change, they would have already, long ago, and their children would not be reading about children who have (C)PTSD as a result of their childhoods (if that is what it was :) ).

Who is "our" parents? My parents were quite loving of me! Do you mean, "your" parents? Which comes back to... your situation is not the worlds situation. "Your" parents didn't change, but that does not mean "others" parent/s who have been abusive won't change or are incapable of change.

Clear distinction!

Why did I point that out? Because you are generalizing about your situation using group words, ie. we, our, their, etc; instead of I, me, my, being owning descriptors to isolate your traumatic events to you.

 

[Heather]

Your parents were loving to you Anthony? I'm happy for you. Are they still alive? And if so do you think they'd adopt me? I want some new one's. 'Cause mine SUCK.

 

[anthony]

Yes, they're both still alive. Dad is in his 70's now and mum late 60's... Mum was a full-time mother... so we always had her around, and dad ran his own company, so when he was around, he played with us as much as possible, obviously he worked long and tiresome hours, though made up for it with regular holidays and weekend adventures.

I could not complain about my childhood... apart from when I deserved a kick in the arse for things I did wrong, nothing outside of normal punishment though for us kids.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Who is "our" parents? My parents were quite loving of me! Do you mean, "your" parents? Which comes back to... your situation is not the worlds situation. "Your" parents didn't change, but that does not mean "others" parent/s who have been abusive won't change or are incapable of change.

Clear distinction!

Why did I point that out? Because you are generalizing about your situation using group words, ie. we, our, their, etc; instead of I, me, my, being owning descriptors to isolate your traumatic events to you.

Given that this thread is about children who have PTSD because of their parents treatment of them, I'm going to stand by what i said.
Scott

PS Since you wrote that *YOUR* parents were quite loving, the distinction is indeed pulsatingly clear.

 

[Heather]

So - Anthony if your parents did decide to adopt me that would mean we'd be related. So, then would I be entitled to free upgrades on the forum LOL:D:p

 

[anthony]

Hi Scott,

I am not trying to offend you in any way... so I hope you have not taken statements that way. If I have, I apologize, as that is not my aim or intent.

My aim and intent is to only highlight ownership of ones trauma, as collectiveness is a therapeutic issue for ownership using shared terms. I was only trying to help you, nothing more.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My Mom wasn't a narcissist...but was so beaten down by the ones in her life it made her an easy target for my dad.

I'll admit I have no idea WHAT he was...

 

[mamachick]

Sometimes they mellow out without trying trying to change-think its part biological. BPD for example, tend to get better on their own and absent therapy in their thirties or so. Why is that? It would be logical that other personality disorders might do the same as well. I know my sister is BPD and would whip the crap out of her kids when she was in her twenties. She would attack and start fights etc. I kinda think she just got tired, now she does it more passively. She doesnt seem to have the energy anymore.

 

[Sethe]

All I know is that I remember from approximately age 4-5 to age 35ish- he has been violent, moody (depressed), destructive and just scary-as-hell to be around. He did start attending church later in life and that's when I started noticing the mellowing. It probably also helps that I no longer live with them.

I do feel a little jealous at times as well (someone else mentioned this), but I've felt that way since I was a kid. They were always incredibly nice to people 'outside' the family.