Conductor Triggering Me On Purpose

[Nikki100]

I hope I'm posting this in the right forum! And I'm really sorry about the length!

I'll be performing two different violin concertos (as the soloist) with the same orchestra and conductor on the next two weekends. This is my first time working with them. I met up with the conductor yesterday to prepare the rehearsal. I wasn't comfortable with spending so much time with him alone in a room so I brought my boyfriend. We've done this before and he usually simply sits somewhere in a corner and works from his laptop and in return he gets to choose something that we'll cook together ;)
This time however the conductor noticed quite quickly that there are certain things that startle me.
The weird thing is his reaction: He kept talking about violent situations and doing things like suddenly jumping up from his chair and stomping his foot or approaching me from behind and reaching over my shoulder.
My boyfriend was really concerned and wanted to do something. I didn't want to cause any drama though and at the time I wasn't even sure if the conductor was doing all this on purpose or if it was just coincidence and I was simply having a bad day (all his actions were related to our work). I managed to continue without any major symptoms almost until the end.

So today was the first actual rehearsal (meaning the orchestra was present). I was really nervous about what would happen so I didn't get any sleep last night and went in feeling very anxious. I think the conductor's behavior was less extreme today but there are around 100 people in this orchestra so I was afraid of being “weird” in front of them and felt really bad about having to take breaks where none were scheduled.

I usually make sure to cut people who do me more harm than good out of my life as soon as possible. Only this time I don't really know how. I can't just quit because there are only two rehearsals left until the first concert and most tickets are already sold so that would be unfair towards everybody else. I know that my boyfriend confronted him about it yesterday and I already told him that he should be more careful if he wants to keep his soloist but apparently he doesn't believe that I would just leave everybody hanging. We didn't tell him that I have PTSD though, because I don't want other musicians to know about it.
My plan right now is to just try to get through the next rehearsals and let people know that I did not enjoy working with him. Problem is, I need to concentrate 100% on the music which is nearly impossible with that ******* standing next to me. Plus he won't just be bothering me during the rehearsals. Being afraid of somebody or somebody's actions is something that can affect me for weeks.

I have a history of being stubborn and ignoring my limits in order to achieve something or to make other people happy. I'd rather not do that this time :)
Any ideas on how to make this easier?

Thank you so much for reading!

 

[joeylittle]

Conductors can be such asses - or rather, they have very, very large egos and often seem to fall into this role of "mastermind"; I wish it was as easy as saying "it's not you, it's him"...but of course you are the one experiencing his actions. (Sorry if I'm offending any conductors on this board)

First thought: can you talk with the concertmaster/mistress (in a friendly way) and get insight into the best strategy for letting him know that he doesn't need to scare you anymore, he's established that he's in charge and you just want to get on with the music end of it now? As soloist, you do have a privileged position, and I've seen conductors often go to great lengths just to make sure the soloist knows who's "really" in charge. Sometimes you just need to know the right way to signal that. The concertmaster will likely know the conductor better than anybody.

Second thought: how good are you at getting "lost" into the music? You say you'll have trouble concentrating with that guy near you, which I totally get - I'm just wondering if you can find things within the music to pull your focus instead, interesting ways your line interacts with the viola section, stuff like that.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Tranquilizers. Sometimes that's the only answer. Do you have any?

 

[Anarchy]

Tranquilizers. Sometimes that's the only answer. Do you have any?

How do you propose getting the conductor to take them? [/tongue in cheek]

 

[Chava]

Early-retired symphony violinist here. Agree that conductors can be assholes. I find that their brilliance is too often off-set by their awkwardness or deficits in personal skills...not all of them of course, but I can certainly relate to the experience of feeling nervous around a boisterous conductor who is oblivious to the rest of his/her environment. Are you okay when you are playing? I sometimes felt panic because of sheer exhaustion + stage lighting and overheating. Then I'd focus on something really absorbing, like make my part "feel" harder than it was...like really play the sh*t out of those tied whole notes...(okay, this probably isn't helpful advice...we just have to observe and over-ride our quirks or challenges when we are performing). Basically, like already mentioned, drive your focus into your own sound and performance. He has to follow you, right??

You have obviously come very far. Don't let one jerk or awkward conductor thwart your passion. You are the star and he has to defer to you...make him absorb your style of expression and nuance vs you absorbing his. Find something to connect to...the music, the audience, something bigger than this.

 

[Nikki100]

Thank you for your replies!
@KwanYingirl , I try to take as few meds as possible because they usually impair my performance...
You're right @joeylittle and @Chava , I normally get "lost" in the music. Don't think I could do concerts otherwise. I'm just afraid of letting that happen around him because it's like letting down my guard. I tried it today and although it made my reactions worse, it definitely helped with the music.
I also talked to the concertmaster today. It's hard to think that it's nothing personal when it feels like he made a mental list called "Things That Irritate Nikki The Most" but adding what the concertmaster said about the conductors personality to the things you've wrote about conductors really helped me :)
The rehearsals will probably still be awful but I'm not concerned about the concert tomorrow. He's a jerk but he's great at following me and leading the orchestra!