Confessions...

[Batip]

I am plotting to stick a kilo of off prawns into the guttering of my former manager at her place of work when it is a stinking hot day like it was last week. I want revenge, pure and simple. Everyone has been telling me it only makes ma "as bad as her" or "leave her to her karma" but I don't care how immature it is...that woman must pay!!

 

[Meciga]

I've lost myself, because of loving someone with ptsd. I think I'm getting myself back, but I *so* understand why some people with ptsd kill themselves.

 

[Ekulal]

I am glad someone flippin understands!

 

[Cevifo]

Lately I've really missed being married, but every single thing I miss about it was a lie. Every good memory I had, wasn't real.

Me too. I've realised lately that I would love to be married to someone good. Whenever I think about that though my former marriage comes up and I every single thing was a lie. Every good memory I had of it wasn't real.

 

[Erepa]

I would love to be in a relationship where there is acceptance and love, kindness, reciprocity, and respect. I would love to get married and have a child with that person later. Instead I know that my longing for being with someone good will lead me to a relationship with someone bad, but I can't stay alone for all times. I need at least some kindness, even if it is wrapped in abuse.

 

[Ovaco]

Instead I know that my longing for being with someone good will lead me to a relationship with someone bad, but I can't stay alone for all times. I need at least some kindness, even if it is wrapped in abuse.

I really relate to that first sentence. But trust me when I say that kindness wrapped in abuse is not true kindness at all. It is conditioning for further hurt. To more closely ally the victim with their abuser. Kindness does not leave a sick dark feeling in the pit of your stomach. It does not leave you feeling guilty for having received it. You will know kindness when you feel a lightening of your spirit around that person, when you feel at peace and as though nothing is expected of you in return but your smile or company. Kindness is given by strangers every day. The more you expose yourself to it, the better you will recognize it in love.

 

[Ovaco]

It's time for me to let go. I am tired of looking at his face time after time and seeing my own failure in his eyes. To come so far and be such a disappointment, I'd rather try to survive alone.

 

[Icakud]

I watch Mickey Mouse on T.V when I'm home alone. And Sesame Street. ;) (Who says confessions can't be happy?)

 

[Ova]

I'm so scared my T. will get tired of me so I try to be a "good patient", but I don't feel I can cope being this "good" anymore. I know he probably thinks I'm strong enough, and I want to "please him"(in fear of him getting tired of me if I don't). Also I sometimes wish I would freak out in the therapy session and start hurting my self there, so he would have to stop me.. (He said he would if he saw me doing it.) - Why? I hurt my self this weekend, but I'm so ashamed I don't know if I'll be able to tell him next time I see him.. I'm angry at him too, for speeding through it all somehow. I feel overwhelmed and I have told him so, but he keep pressuring me to move on. And I guess he know best?

Sometimes I wish he would hug me, but if he did I would freak out. And the worst thing about all this confusion and chaos is that I sometimes don't know if I want to get well. Maybe I'm just wasting his time.

OH. :confused: I'm such a mess! :( Now I'm ashamed of what I wrote up there! At least I'm anonymous here.

 

[Medapu]

I confess, I hide my emotions at home because I'm afraid I'm too much for my supporter. I'd rather have him think I'm doing well than to have to drag him back into my black hole again....I don't want to disappoint him but all I feel now is that I'm a disappointment to him. I cherish the days when he is away so that I can freely express my emotions, in private. :(

 

[Ujoko]

There is no measure for how much I hate PTSD. Yet I have no idea how to live without it. I've had it almost all my life.

 

[Neri]

I've managed to develop a lovely case of EDNOS to keep the PTSD company. Coping skills: -10 points.

The other night I couldnt stop myself from exclaiming over how much food my little sister was eating. It just popped out, I kept visualizing myself as eating it. She's 11 and the reason I keep trying. I hate myself for it, what if I hurt her?