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Conflict avoidance / leaving therapy

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PandaPower

Learning
Hi supportive humans
Last weekend I decided to leave therapy. My therapist did something that led to me feeling abandoned. I would have liked to talk about it in therapy, but I don't want to. I don't feel safe raising it, and my mind blocks of and refuses to engage on any thoughts about how I might raise the issue with her. It would be perfect if she asked me a reason for terminating, which could give me an in but she hasn't. I could continue therapy without raising it, but it would then it would just be another relationship in which I allow myself to be hurt and I am not letting that happen. So I am quitting. And it sucks. I waited six months for this therapist. I may regret this as there aren't very many good therapists where I live. Would appreciate y'alls insight and support.
 
Is there an option between getting hurt and quitting?

If you like T and were making progress I think it could be beneficial if you have a conversation with them. This could be a good opportunity to address your fear of abandonment. You could start by reading this post.

I understand you feel abandoned but feelings aren't facts. Have they truly abandoned you? Or are they making changes to adapt to what is going on these days?

Just my .02 take what works and leave the rest.
 
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Well, I would suggest you continue therapy with her. If you can't bring up why you are feeling abandoned, continuing the relationship will create opportunities where you can tell her. It doesn't have to be another relationship where you allow people to hurt you. Over time and with bravery and trial and error you can change the pattern.
 
Do you have an email address or something for her? Would it be easier for you to raise it in an email/phone call/text/whatever than in person?
I have her WhatsApp. It's a potential route, but it's very distressing for me to wait for replies, and I'm not feeling good enough to put myself through that.

@LuckiLee @Muttly
Sigh... I hear you guys and will think about it. I am getting tired of putting in the work so will have to see what I can do to talk myself into doing it.
 
I have her WhatsApp. It's a potential route, but it's very distressing for me to wait for replies, and I'm not feeling good enough to put myself through that.
Can you send a quick message n then shove it out your brain? Cos these issues will probably keep coming up. N yeah it's hard but it could help a lot if you manage to voice it.
 
Hi, PandaPower. I'm sorry you are feeling as though you've been abandoned by your therapist. If I may ask, before the incident that led you to feeling abandoned, did you otherwise feel comfortable working with this therapist? Was she someone you previously had a good relationship with? If so, I think you owe it to yourself to at least try to address the issue with her, and listen to her response, before ending therapy with her. That's just my two cents.

Whatever you do, I hope you will take care of yourself. Sending you warm thoughts
 
I'm really sorry you are struggling with this. I have been in similar situations multiple times - felt abandoned or otherwise hurt and decided to quit because I no longer trusted him. Each and every time I went back. Was it easy? Gods no! Am I glad I did? Mostly.

If you like T and were making progress I think it could be beneficial if you have a conversation with them.

I agree with this. Sometimes I don't feel able to talk directly about what hurt right away, so I just say something like, "I want you to know that what you did felt very hurtful, but I can't talk about it right now." He's very respectful of that and I can relax a little and figure out how to talk about it later.
 
It would be perfect if she asked me a reason for terminating, which could give me an in but she hasn't.
Perfect how? You wouldn’t be working with her anymore, so what would you gain from her knowing? There’s no potential benefit of her knowing. Unlike, if you continued with therapy, there’s a real potential benefit.

Telling her and leaving, there’s no risk/no reward. It’s a zero sum.

Telling her and staying, there’s risk (that you might have to leave, but you’re planning on doing that, anyway); but there’s also reward, that you can work through this with someone and be the better for it. Which amounts to very little risk (as you’re ready to leave), to significant reward.

***

((Unless you’re doing the passive-aggressive manipulation game of threatening to leave so they can beg you to stay, so you can air your grievances, so -if and only if- they fall over themselves begging you to stay to the “right” depth/humbling/groveling/have been punished enough, will you do what you want and stay. <<< This is a super common thing for a lot of people coming out of certain kinds of abuse. Because it’s how they’ve been taught to get what they want. Can’t just ask directly. Instead there’s this complicated/convoluted dance that has to be performed, first, so what you want -to air your grievances AND feel valued- is hidden / tucked away safe and sound under mountains of bullshit & control, where you’re doing someone else a favor by doing what you want to do, with them on their back foot. One of the “problems” with that is that most good therapists won’t play it. Instead they respect your boundaries, and your decisions, and you’re free to come and go as YOU choose to. They’re not going to pressure you or manipulate you into doing something against your wishes. Because that’s just echoing patterns of abuse people have known their whole lives. >>> Which is a huge opportunity, by the by... if you can TELL them what you want to do is leave, so they can beg you to stay, & maybe the 2 of you could work on that? Because all having that pattern in your life does is push away the people who take you at your word & respect your boundaries, whilst drawing closer toxic & codependent & desperate & even straight up abusive people. Now, I’m NOT saying you are doing this, hence why it’s in a little section away from the rest. But if it might be what you’re doing, or part of what you’re doing? It’s soooooo useful to be able to catch yourself mid pattern. Okay, it’s more useful to “stop that” ;) but most people have to first be aware they do it, then catch themselves as they do it, then work on “walking it back”, then work on stopping the pattern from the get go, and then and only theeeeeen, be able to actually break the pattern and not have it be a knee jerk that they’re only seeing after it’s too late. ))
 
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Wow @Friday ! What an amazing explanation! Your post just unwrapped these manipulative games and their results (like pushing away decent folks and drawing closer abusive assholes) like nothing I've ever seen. Coming from a precisely that kind of manipulative & abusive background, having learned and absorbed it perfectly myself, I really appreciate the way you brought this dynamic into daylight.

Cheers!
 
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