Conflict Increasing Anxiety

[Lauren]

Hi All,

Guess more than anything I need to vent.

I had a Wonderful Memorial Day weekend. Unfortunately at the end of it we had a conflict with a neighbor's kids riding their dirt bikes on an easement that is granted to them that runs through our property. We had come to an agreement with the owners (the neighbors are renting it) that they would not use the easement for recreational use. I was in the barn when I heard the kids on their bikes, went out and told them they are not allowed to do that.

About a half hour later their step-father roared down to our place in his truck, slamming the door and started screaming, I mean really went off, at my husband. I was in the barn but could hear it. I was still shaking when I woke up this morning from it and it wasn't even me who got yelled at. I came home from work feeling a little anxious then found out right before I went to my therapy session that the mother had come down and went off on my husband. He showed her the tired tracks where he had seen one of their kids riding in the landscaped area of our property (not even on the easement.) She called him a liar.

We have lived here for 8 years, enjoying the peace a quiet. A real haven for me.....but now.....

I have had a hard time agreeing with my therapist that I suffer from PTSD. Now I am wondering if he is right. Any conflict or yelling, even if it is not at me, sends me reeling. So does somebody exhibiting raw, intense emotion. It also seems the deeper my therapist and I dig the worse it is getting. I need to use the calming technique he taught me but it is so hard when I am worked up like this, which is of course when I need it most.

He also told me tonight that in order to trust, accept and forgive myself I will need to trust and accept God's love and forgiveness. I had done that, but don't trust God anymore. He feels that I need to deal with buried anger, tears and hurt before that will happen. Have any of you been successful in processing emotions connected to past memories? It seems to me that the past shouldn't be affecting me now. Other than "normal" life stressors (granted the neighbor problem is unusual) I have a really good life. This is ridiculous and it just doesn't make sense.

Sorry for rambling, but it does feel good to type it up ;o)

 

[Grama-Herc]

I know you wrote to vent, but I just have to give you some imput. Surprise--ya got PTSD. Everything you described is spot on right down to it getting more difficult with each therapy session. Your T. is right. Hang in there and follow his lead, I've been there-done that-and got the t-shirt and your T. can help you work your way through the maze of this condition .

Welcome to the forum and good luck

 

[Lauren]

Thanks for replying Grama-Herc. I don't know...maybe I do have PTSD. Does it really matter if I have a label? Really;;; what difference does it make?

Heck...I only have partial memory of several incidences and recently my mother told me that my father held a boulder over me theatening to bash my head in. I don't remember that at all. I do remember doing that exact thing to him when he threw the sandwich loaf on the lawn that mom and I had made for my bridesmaid party. I wonder if my mother's memory is faulty. She has split personality and is emotionally abusive so I don't trust what she remembers. I do have full memory of some incredibly violent episodes with my father. I really don't want to remember more. I can't change what happened, not the stuff that I was exposed to, not what happened to me nor the mistakes I have made. What's the point of digging it all up? All I can do is live life today and be happy with what I have.

So tell me ...... you've worked through all this right? How long did it take? What was the process? Did digging into the past really make a difference for you today? I suppose it's different for each person, but there must be some similarities. Do people ever truly get better....get over this diagnosis?

I appreciate your imput..really ;o) Thanks again. ;o)

 

[Grama-Herc]

I have found that I am not any better BUT through time, therapy and understanding of PTSD I have learned to manage my life and function at a level I can handle.

We don't get over this crap, we understand and manage it. That is where therapy comes in. I remember the day I received my diagnosis. 10 tons was lifted from my shoulders. I found out I was not crazy---there was a reason for the way I felt and acted. The difference that made to my thinking process and understanding of my life was amazing. I'm not better but I understand

 

[anni]

Yes, I agree. It's really not so much a matter of allowing yourself to be labeled as per society, but to be able to give yourself that gift of understanding as maybe you would someone else. It seems to me that 'we' tend to be incredibly hard on ourselves, and just keep thinking that if we grit our teeth and slog through stuff it'll all go away. No, 'it' doesn't matter as a label, but it kind of does to you as far as accepting that maybe there's some way of making life easier to deal with. Believe me, not accepting things in tanatamount to ignoring a diagnosis.For me, that resulted specifically in avoidance mechanisms that are still carved in stone. I can't budge the dam thing-yet. I think your head just decides some way to deal with things when we don't. you know?

I do have to say that some stuff. for me. has gotten better through time, therapy and just plain figuring out what works and what doesn't. Humour is huge, in being able to laugh at myself or others for putting me in some position of conflict I'd rather die a thousands deaths than be exposed to. Now that's 20 years later and ME, and very specific, so I'm not at all saying anything is across the board with this stupid thing. 20 years later, I can say that I'm even once in awhile able to channel fear back into enough righteous indignation to tell someone, point blank, that they have no right on the planet to stomp all over my little universe.

I guess I'm just saying it's all terribly specific to the individual, but apparently the initial damage as far as the rewiring of the brain is pretty much the same across the board. Having gotten this far in the forum, perhaps just browsing the various articles in the library dealing with specifics would be reassuring on this point. I always end up sounding like an idiot trying to get through the neurological dynamics so won't try. :)

Just be very kind to yourself, and stay curious and open about it until you feel comfortable with your answers.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Artista]

I was big at not wanting a "label" at first as well until i saw i needed answers and these were the right ones... I was dealing with PTSD. I had to accept that as a way of dealing not as a sentence. We are all different in how we deal, yet many strategies are similar and more valuable when I read over all the information here. Some seem to need to know it all and some not so much. The journey is yours and you will learn so much good about you as you go as well. I believe that! I thought I knew me.... in a twisted way, this finally is making me want to value me. To do this work I must value me. Not an easy thing to do when you have been made to feel like less than just a body.

I too can't take yelling and screaming on any level. BIG trigger. And as far as you asking about the processing emotions?? I cannot access my anger. Seem stuck there right now but I guess I am just not there yet. I think unless I feel it all, it is as if I am not giving it the weight it deserves... been hiding it and not remembering for so long because i just couldn't deal. Don't wanna be there any longer even though it scares me to death.

All of the above sounds right... be open to what comes and start to trust yourself to learn how to heal in the best way for you! Hard to let go and ride this scary ride. Must be worth it in the end!!!

 

[Lauren]

Yes it must be worth it in the end Artista or we wouldn't be trying ;o) Anthony made a comment that until we are willing to accept the diagnosis for what it is we won't be open enough to learn anything. Writing out my timeline was helpful and comforting somehow. Looking at the words, reading them seemed to put the traumas where they belong....in the past, gone, over. That is weird isn't it? That doesn't mean that I believe that it will change my reactions to triggers and stressors, but I do think it took some of the power away.

Today has been a good day. The sun came out, my business partner and I worked hard all day and I weeded the vegetable garden after cleaning horse stalls. Ahhh, it felt wonderful! I just wish I could stay in this frame of mind the majority of the time.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. The support means a lot to me. Maybe with the support and information here we can all lead happier more fullfilling lives. That is my prayer ;o)