Confronting A Flatmate?

[CoopBoop]

Hi guys,

I am someone with c-trauma in my childhood that I am now getting over. Anyways, this is a fairly everyday problem perhaps a little bit complicated by trauma (yay transference!)

Anyways, I live in a flat share with five other people. We live in the UK where it's starting to get into wintertime. One of our flatmates is from a hot country and believes the place is too cold. As a result, he is putting on the heating several hours a day. This is going to be very expensive for all of us as we split bills.

Here's the thing though which you may have gathered: none of the rest of us want the heating on too much. We want to save money. We don't think it's cold and we just wear jackets or drink hot drinks. To be fair, it's not even that cold, about 15 celsius or 60 fahrenheit.

Action needs to be taken as we cant afford big bills. What do you think of the situation in general? Or how I can confront him. As I say, it's probably a little harder for me due to trauma.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think you should figure out how much more that is costing, and bill it to him. Have a group meeting to discuss this so no one person is made to be the bad guy. I had a roommate who liked the heat high, and would walk around inside in winter wearing shorts and a tank top.

 

[digger]

Does it have to be a confrontation? Does he have a history of being unreasonable in discussions? I'm not clear from your post if anyone asked him already just to not switch the heating on please and explained why it's an issue, or if you are just unhappy about it but nothing has been said?

The step to take for me would be a house discussion where the costs are laid out and a decision reached between you all about the timing of the heating and/or the temperature the thermostat is to be set at. If it's only one person that wants something outside of what everyone else wants then an agreement needs to be reached about how it is to be paid for.

I would try and drop thinking about needing a confrontational approach until he has proved himself to be unreasonable about it. If he hasn't been asked to pay extra for wanting something the rest of you don't, give him the chance first of showing whether he is prepared to do that or not.

 

[GWhizz]

I used to live with a guy who had the heat on set for 30 degrees 24/7! We couldn't do anything about it as they were individual storage heaters. We were advised to bill him the extra difference from his deposit when he moved out based on readings from prior years with more people in the house. We did confront him multiple times but he didn't give a damn. He also had the immersion on for 6hrs overnight which he used all to himself for a 6am shower. Bills were hundreds higher per month. Long story short, we charged him after we gave him notice to leave. He also kept keys so we'd to change locks. He took us to court and lied about everything and we had to reimburse him, even for locksmith charges. We found old bank statements of his laying about after he left, lots of different accounts with €100k+ in each. Basically he was a stuck up entitled 19yo who never had to worry about money. But be damned if he was going to let a cent go when we could foot his bills.

In hindsight I wish we'd evicted him sooner. We'd threatened and he lied saying he would be more conservative on the energy usage.

I think you should all stand together as a unit and tell him either he comes to a mutual agreement or finds somewhere else to live. And if he agrees to foot extra costs you NEED to get this in writing. Verbal means nothing.

 

[IamFree]

Am I right in thinking like in many cases of cptsd there were boundary issues when growing up. In my family i was always rejected or punished for speaking my mind or setting boundaries so now when i am trying to be assertive or set boundaries i feel terribly frightened because that traumatised part of me is anticipating some punishment .

 

[Friday]

Unless you're uncomfortable being too hot, and he's uncomfortable paying the extra, I doubt it will be a problem. Speaking as someone who is happy to pay the largess (or chop a cord or two extra of wood).

***

I keep my home at roughly 80F/ 26C.
My parents keep their home at 62F / 16C

This means I FREEZE at their house. I wear 5 layers (underarmor, base layer, clothing, outer layer, outerwear) but unless I'm moving? I'm so. cold. all. the. time. It means my life grinds to a halt when I stay with them, and I'm always uncomfortable. They don't mind the heat, but they do mind the bill, so I paid the increased costs... And they STILL kept turning down the heat. (And turning off the lights :banghead: ). Their argument was that it was a waste of money. It was MY MONEY. And, no. Not a waste. Keeping the heat up, and lights on, means that I'm not living in a cold dark hole, and can actually go about enjoying my life. I'm miserable in the cold and dark. I would rather (and do rather) live in a tent in the middle of the woods, in the pouring rain, than live with them. It's warmer.

They can't seem to wrap their heads around "Mom. If you were living somewhere they kept the temperature 20/10 degrees colder than YOU find comfortable, wouldn't you be willing to pay the difference?" ((That's ridiculous! No one would keep their house at 40/4 degrees!)) :banghead: lots of people do, actually, mom. Way up north. But that's not the point. ((You should be used to the cold, all the back country, and snow camping, and work you do!)) Also not the point, mom. And you may notice I'm not kitted up in gortex and snow gear in your living room.

They've stayed with me in the winter (and flip me endless shit about how my house is like walking into summertime... :D Yes. I know. That's why I do it :sneaky:... And how silly it is to be paying so much. -I don't, really. I insulated my house to the gills, and use a few different heat sources, which means I pay about $40 more per month than they do. Versus a good extra $500 to keep their house at that temp, without doing the work to make it energy efficient. And yet, they also enjoy the heat. Talk about how much more active they always are when they wintered with me.). But they're also unable to allow me to do my own thinking, when I'm at theirs, or at mine. I will VERY happily pay the extra. Whether it's $40 or $500.

 

[St.Maybe]

Oh, I see... so your home is freezing.
Lol.

I would say have a family meeting of sorts, and let your room mate know that raising the temperature this way amounts to an additional cost that you were not anticipating and are not willing to foot... I had this problem with my room mate. She's from the mountains, and I'm from a muggy swamp so we would fight over the temperature almost every day. Not sure how we remained best friends... what with her trying to freeze me and me, trying to cook her all the time.

I think the key to any issue between people... especially a group of people... is to come to be able to negotiate and compromise so that everyone feels a little more satisfied in the end.

Is there a way that you could call and get an estimate on how much it costs to heat your home at your room mate's preferred temperature, vs. yours? Some simple calculations could be made to figure out just how much extra your room mate would owe. If they're not entirely happy with this, then perhaps a compromise can be made and you can agree on a middling temperature. For example, perhaps paying for a one to one-and-a-half degree increase each could both warm up your room mate and put a cap on expenses.

Be sure to readjust your calculations during the colder months, though, because at that point all your costs should go up even if your ideal temperature remains the same.

Best wishes,
Reno