Confused About Self-harm That I Don't Want.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I am lucky, with all I have been through and seem to keep going through, self-harm has typically been something I've been so vehemently against as I felt that I was fighting so hard to still be alive and for the chance to live properly that the idea of hurting myself was against everything I seemed so hard to be focussed on.

That's not to say I haven't hurt myself over the years, either intentionally or unintentionally. Nor is it to say that many years ago I didn't have a row of suicide attempts. And running through it all has always been intense suicidal ideation, whether I've realised it as such and it was what I believed I wanted or I haven't believed it and just felt that dying should just be what I should do or undoubtedly would happen.

I took pride in the fact that I "got over" that phase. But it never really left - well maybe the intentional self-harm and the suicide attempts. Maybe my understanding of it too. But it comes and goes and I tell myself that I'm stronger than I realise.

I have never cut myself with a knife or blade before, unless you include slicing the top of your thumb off while cutting carrots or other vegetables. I mean I have never intentionally hurt myself. But right now I'm thinking it so many times a day, no - times per hour even that I don't know how to deal with it.

I put my hand on a knife in the knife block the other day with the intent to self-harm. My mind keeps running towards this idea as if it's not just what I should be doing but that I'd derive some pleasure from it, as if it is what I need. I can't get away from it. I don't want to do it because at least a small part of me is that sane, but it's like it's inevitable and I might as well just start. Like I want to start.

The biggest thing that's stopping me is the shame and worry from others, the guilt that I'd feel for them to know and the possibility that maybe I don't know how to do it correctly - pretty daft eh?! I'm incapable of self-compassion, I'm tired of fighting. I just don't know what to do. Well I do - don't do it. But it's like telling a pin not to run to a magnet. It seems so out of my control. I don't know what to do.

I should point out that ironically - I'm not even that depressed at the moment. I'm not, not depressed, but I'm barely bad for me. I think. I find it so hard to know anything about me.

Any way. I don't know what I expect from this. But thanks.

(GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety, PTSD, An as yet undiagnosed dissociative disorder - suspected DDNOS-1, Depression, OCD)

 

[Leah123]

I'm incapable of self-compassion

I think it's a sign of reaching for that compassion that you are sharing here. I believe that you know you deserve better than what you're feeling right now, and I'm so glad you're expressing it. I am sorry you are mired in thoughts of hating yourself and hurting yourself. It is a burden to be so traumatized that we question whether life is worth it, or how to live a life full of pleasure and meaning instead of suffering. Big hug if you want one.

Do you have a therapist or close person you can share this with? I just wish someone could talk you through it more than I can here! Hopefully others will have a lot more to add that will be helpful.

I tell myself that I'm stronger than I realise.

P.S. You are RIGHT. You are clearly stronger than you feel. But... I know when people tell me this, sometimes I just feel mad hearing it- to feel so lousy, so miserable, and know that being this unhappy without killing myself or trying is a sign of strength, well, let me say on both of our behalfs, if you don't mind, F&^k the people that hurt us, that it's so hard to heal. Curses on them, and blessings to us.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Another part of me is in so much pain and it's leaking over, I feel the pain even in this part of me to the extent where that secondary pain is making me feel physically sick and want to cry. I want to scream and cry and curl up and never stop. But I can't because I either I don't know how or I am unable. Every time the pain gets so strong, even when I find myself curling up into a ball when walking around and I have to sit down and just curl up small for a while, even if I begin to distantly feel that emotion, if it comes close to being able to be felt I swallow it away by mistake. No, I don't want to be unhappy, but I think I need to experience these emotions to begin to be able to deal with them but they can't get close enough. I don't necessarily want to be dead, I want this all to be over. I just want to be free.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Ok, so somehow I my mood picked up. Rather than only being up and down, I'm now swinging between the two, yet even when I'm better, even when I'm happy, happy thoughts of self-harm are popping into my head. As if it's like; no big deal, why don't you casually cut yourself, in fact is so much not a big deal, I'm surprised you're not doing it right now. Why aren't you doing it right now? What's stopping you? Why imagine what it would be like to see the knife pierce your skin, why imagine what it would feel like, why imagine how much blood will come or how deep you'll cut when you could be doing it now. You're so happy you should cut yourself, it would be nice, it would be a relief, it would be ok, just do it! It's a little disturbing, partly because it just is and partly because I agree with it so much.

But then I get hit in a down turn and it's the same sort of thing but more malicious. Cut yourself. Do it. Do it now. Feel the blade rip open your skin and see your blood pour. I hate you so much. You hate you so much. You should just cut yourself. You're too scared to kill yourself and now you're too scared to cut yourself. You're stupid the only thing you deserve is bleed. To feel pain. To suffer. That's all you are worth and I hate you for it. And yet at the same time also this: I can't take this any more, I wish it would just stop. I'm so tired. I would try anything, everything just for a moments silence. If I cut myself it will give me a release and I know it won't last for long, but it would be something. I'm just so desperate. Please make it stop. Give me a moments silence. I just wish it was all over. Why won't it end?

Do you have a therapist or close person you can share this with?

No, I've been on an emergency waiting list for short-term therapy since last August, which was changed to an emergency list for long-term therapy in February. I've been at the top of that waiting list for 3 months but they only have 2 people who are capable of dealing "with people like me". I was told just over a month ago that I would DEFINITELY get an appointment in a month, when I phoned them it's now been deferred indefinitely again - although I am reassured that I'm still at the top of the list.

I have a social worker and because I was struggling I upped my sessions, which were supposed to be ever 2-3 weeks but actually ran at every 4-5 weeks. The first of those (22nd of April) more frequent appointments was cancelled mid-session as no one bothered to phone me to tell me he was absent from work. I had an appointment with a Psychiatrist (4th of June) for which he was supposed to attend and he didn't because he was still absent. When I phoned the other day they said they had no idea when he was coming back but I could phone the duty team, the samaritans, NAPAC or Mental Health Matters instead, coincidentally that was the same day I found out that my therapy was deferred yet again - making me wish I hadn't bothered chasing them up as it would have been better not knowing and worrying about the process of calling them in the mean time.

I feel like a rather large cube made from very thin paper, the positive shows on the outside, but it's so thin and then inside that hollowness is actually incredibly dense, thick and heavy depression. I'm trying so hard to hold on to the outside of the paper but I don't want to break it but I seemingly can't do both, there isn't any way out. I'm in a good safe place here and this is how bad I am, I'm scared that when I go home I will lose the precarious grip I have on sanity and will hurt myself and end up with no option but to be committed to hospital - which is bad, because I really, really don't want to be and good because I'll hopefully have some trained mental health practitioners close by to help and hear how loudly I'm crying out for help.