Confused And Even More Depressed Because Of It

[Jnean]

Maybe a month now my depression has been getting worse again. I'm sure seasonal depression contributes to that. I've been crying myself to sleep some nights. I've found myself imagining myself now feeling embraced in my abusers arms like I once felt when I was a child. Just being held by them (different abusers of mine that I've envisioned) and I don't know why because I doubt I felt safe at all as a child and really did they ever hold me the way I am imagining anyway. Why did I ever really want to give them a hug? Why did I want to be with them? I'm so confused by this. I know I'm depressed and see a therapist regularly, she knows about my depression of course but I haven't been able to talk to her about this yet.

 

[Canotia]

This resonates with me in a different, but same way. Yesterday I rewrote the ending to my repetitive dream. At the very end I am invited into the house of a mother figure (a woman I imagined as a child) she wrapped me in a blanket, fed me, then put me to bed. She sat on the side of the bed and stroked my hair and stayed there all night watching over me as I slept. It is a fantasy that I have had since I was a child. I feel kind of silly about it. I am 43 and still my fantasy is of a loving mother. I am suppose to bring this new ending in tomorrow, but I feel so silly, vulnerable, and childlike that I am really stressed about opening up that much.

Maybe, we just wanted to feel loved and still do?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Yes, we long to feel the desire to be comforted by a mother, OUR mothers. I was never comforted, and have a hard time accepting comfort.

I can GIVE comfort...it comes naturally...

Even children who are extremely abused have a desire for their mother to become a comfort. I think it's a craving we are born with.

If my mother wanted to comfort me, it would be VERY UNNATURAL and I wouldn't be able to accept it. There is NO trust or longing for her.