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Relationship Confused And Hurting...

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FaithJL

Bronze Member
Well, my friend finally gave me the boot. Out of nowhere, he told me he could no longer talk to me the way he did because he now has a girlfriend. I was hurt and confused. I thought we had an understanding, but I guess, according to him, it's my fault because I assumed. Wow! He was cold about it too.

To give you a background, we met back in February. He started talking about doing the family thing with me. Things got hectic because his female cousin started bringing problems into the family , then 2 of his cousins' wives cheated, then his uncle died.

Right before he left to take care of his uncle's funeral, he received an anonymous text which was basically from my ex saying I had a miscarriage. The message freaked him out saying that was a total red flag because I didn't tell him. I told him we were still getting to know each other and that was a very sensitive issue for me to disclose immediately, especially since I was the one mainly initiating contact, and I wanted to know exactly where we were headed first.

Anyways, he came back from his uncle's funeral. He apologized for neglecting me. I went over to his house, then we got intimate. After that, he shut down on me, and put the blame on me. I tried to understand.

In July, we saw each other, then we spoke on the phone. He told me everything he is doing is for "us." He shut down again after that. In August, he was good communicating with me. He told me he loves me 3x. Then he shut down again. In September, he accused me of getting back with my ex after he found out I had training with him, and I was also dating other guys from work. He kept telling me he didn't have any right to question me, and what could he do when the other guy I was supposedly seeing is a supervisor and he isn't. He was so frustrated that he told me he went out twice with another girl because he thought I was back with my ex.

In October, we hung out and talked about the future too, but I think he had a panic attack and had to go home. He shut down once again. Two weeks ago, he was telling me he will be moving to Colorado because he is tired of work here and nothing is holding him back.

The night before Thanksgiving he told me I need to get better because I'm sick then we would hang out. After Thanksgiving, we talked and he said I didn't even remember him on Thanksgiving and I told him I sent him a text and called him at work. I read my text to him, and we both thanked each other for having each other. We ended on a good note. 4 days later, he told me he could no longer talk to me because he now has a girlfriend. Ouch!

PTSD or just a jerk?
 
Jerk!!! Maybe he does have PTSD but really the relationship seems like too much hassle to me. He doesn't seem to consider you too much. You deserve much better.
 
Thank you discarded. I keep telling myself that I do deserve better, and this is God's way of freeing me from more pain.

I've tried my best to be patient, understanding and support him as a friend. I know he's not stable right now. The past couple of months, he either spends all his time sleeping, isolating, then the total opposite of being really busy. His moods would also fluctuate from being grumpy, sweet, thoughtful, to angry, blaming and frustrated. I think he is also confused about his own situation.

In April, he needed to fix his car (shocks) and file his taxes. He bought the parts, but until now has not fixed his car. This is something he said really needed to be fixed, but after several months, he still hasn't done anything about it. The same thing with his taxes. It's overdue. He gets overwhelmed when he has to think about those.

Two months ago, he was eager to go back to school, so he took care of the paper works and enrolled. It took him 2 months to fix everything, then the following week, he withdrew from school and made up an excuse where he was blaming work. The thing was, his school is online based. He has enough time to do his school after work. But just before he began, he dropped out.

He goes from being assertive and determined to unsure/ or not wanting anymore. In his own words, " when things get hot, I back off." Same thing with work, one day he wants to promote, the next he hates work and dislikes some of the people.

He also told me he's lost a lot of good friends because he shuts down and avoids people. He said everyone he knows leave or die. He told me this in October, first week of November, and the week before Thanksgiving.

My gut instinct tells me he made up the whole story of having someone new to push me away. Things just don't add up. But, I know it's wise to take his word and keep my distance.
 
Sounds like he is in a bad way, but unfortunately until he seeks out the help he needs there is very little anyone can do. A relationship is probably the last thing he can cope with. On a good day he might make contact but on bad days he will push you away. I know the scenario and it is incredibly difficult to cope with without taking it all personally. It is really up to you whether or not you hang in there for him, personally I would try to get on with my life, don't cut him out completely but don't make him the centre of your world when clearly it is too hard for him to be that person for you. It really is a tough situation to be in, there are no right or wrong answers, what works for one won't for another. You just have to accept what is.
 
A co-worker of ours saw him yesterday. My co-worker told me he looked like he is in a really bad state. He hasn't shaved, his eyes had a glaze look, and even though he was trying to make conversations, he wasn't really there. It looked like he was in a trance.

I'm worried about him. I want to reach out, but I'm afraid of how he will react or not react. :(
 
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