Confused And Worried

[Jimmy1]

Well good on you for sticking around. It takes a woman with pretty thick skin to hang around with a serviceman, let alone a serviceman or ex-serviceman with PTSD

Jimmy

 

[Steph_F]

I am glad I found people to talk to on here. Because most of my friends don't understand PTSD and they just think he is being an ahole. They want to try to convince me to just leave him but they don't understand that alot of this stuff we are going through is the PTSD.

I totally understand what you mean! Just tonight I invited my sister to go with me next week to a presentation put on by the University of Minnesota and the Mayo Clinic about PTSD in Military Personnel, she flat out refused to go. Most of my friends and family just think I'm making another "bad" choice in men and they tell me that I should find someone else that is easier to be with. When I try to explain the PTSD or how he just doesn't handle stress well...they look at me like an emotionally battered woman covering up for her abuser (someone actaully told me that). I know it's just because they love ME, and they don't know him and anytime you see your loved one hurting, you jump to their defense, but why can't my family and friends see that bad-mouthing him is the LAST thing that is going to help me??? So now I am trying to keep our rough times away from friends and family...but the problem is then is that I am all alone. I know that I can not turn to him when the problem stems from his disorder, and I don't want to make him feel worse by making him feel guilty. I can put up a front of being strong and brave, but really I am scared to death, and crying inside because of what is happening when it gets bad. When though I understand alot about his PTSD, it is still a roller coaster ride from hell for me. Unlike my guy, when I am stressed, I talk my problems out until I come up with a solution or just feel better. When he is stressed, he shuts down or lashes out in anger. Knowing why that happens (PTSD) doesn't make it easier to take however.

Keep talking on here and venting, know this is a good place to find people that understand you. You are the first person that seems to know what I am going through with the lack of support, so thank you for sharing. so much, thank you.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Steph,
WHen I read your post, its like reading my thoughts as well - Its frustrating. I lost many mutual friends because of this - they too only saw the bad, and did not take the time to understand. - Sure gives me a different outlook on life and different situations.

I found alot of support at the V.A. with a supporter group - I felt so alone, and could not talk to anybody that understood till I found them. No its not a bunch of husband bashing (thank goodness) - but a great place to just vent, cry, and feel supported.

Before I found that group I was going crazy - depressed like all heck -just a bundle of nerves - walking on egg shells, always saying the wrong things - not understanding his reactions. Wanting to experess my feelings, like we used to do, but getting nowhere - I used to describe it like being a hamster on a wheel - going through the motions, but getting nowhere - realizing I could not tell him how I felt, because he was having a hard enough time dealing with himself. Wanting to be there for him, but the wall he built around himself I could not penetrate. Your hands are tied. You hate to see them hurt, but you cant do anything. Oh while trying to keep the family together and hold a job. - Wonder woman Im not !

Hang in there..take care of yourself ...and always remember, you are not alone!

 

[Steph_F]

Thank you for that message! :) I'm so very glad I found this website and people like you guys!! I hate the helpless feeling as well.

That is one reason I try to protect my honey from my own problems, because feelings of helplessness seem to be a trigger for him. But that kinda sucks, as I am a bit of a talker and I like to talk out my problems and he just takes it as whining and thinks that he needs to "fix" my problems and when he can't he feels helpless...I love him and I trust him with everything so naturally I want to run to him with my issues, but I can't. It leaves me feeling empty-handed and lonely sometimes.

On the other hand, it makes me stronger and more self-reliant and isn’t that a great sign of a healthy relationship? J For all the hell he puts me through, I actually owe him a great deal of gratitude.

 

[wife of]

Is thinking Steph and mocking bird might be my other two longlost triplets......Have recently had to cut ties with one of my oldest friends due to the stress her "support" of me was causing.....Completely unable to comprehend anything I told her about ptsd and giving unhelpfull advice similar to above,couldn't handle the strain of trying to educate her and each time we spoke she left me feeling so low that ive just not bothered to contact her for months.I'm fortunate though to have a very undersatanding family who are giving us there full support albeit long distance as most of them live no where near us and fortunatly the ones nearest emotionaly have a good understanding of what forces lives/mindset is like......Keep talking ladies.Hugs.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

How do you all feel about being quadruplets? I haven't told many people what is going on because I don't ever want anyone to look at him and think badly of him. He doesn't lash out at me but his isolating is extremely hard. I'm probably fortunate, and I don't want my friends and family who love me to think I should leave. Because I'm not going to leave. I love him, just as he is. I'm hoping when this isolating phase is over, that he'll come back and we can stay a family, and I don't want any bad feeling towards him from anyone in our lives. Plus, he values his privacy and I think I'd feel as though I was violating that privacy if I told a lot of people about it.

So big hugs to you all because I do feel like you understand. And huge hugs to the Veterans on this site who have helped me understand just a tiny speck of their side of isolating. It really does help.

Red

 

[wife of]

Most of my family didn't realise what was going on til a couple of months ago,as indeed niether did we ourselves due to hubby being repeatedly misdiagnosed with "just" depression over a number of years,they only found out when the brown stuff hit the fan big style just before christmas and I needed to turn to them,even the kids hadn't realised how things have affected thier dad over the years as I'd got very good at heading things off at the pass,they just thought that sometimes dad could get a bit bad tempered due to his back pain and that also covered for the absence from family gatherings etc.With hindsight,maybe a mistake,I feel as though I let him down by not forcing things to light sooner but I also felt that I couldnt force him to get help til he realised for himself he needed it.The big let down for us was that once he did realise he needed help there was not much available to him and the little help he was able to access came too late as he was slapped onto a waiting list to be seen by combat stress the uks only scource of veteran help for combat ptsd which to our governments shame is a charity,we are still waiting to be seen by them as by the time his appointment came round he was in a NHS hospital after some very traumatic episodes and was judged to be too severe for thier experts to cope with.........now he is out of hospital,seeing a civvy psych and has been put back at the back of the queue for seeing combat stress.The help he is getting at the moment is good,but it could be and should be a lot better...Sorry rambling and venting now.....What I meant to sy is that most folks cannot comprehend all this entails and just see cptsd as a bit like "suffering from stress"......Red/tankgirl/anyone else come on in and join the "Harpie" sisterhood as Alan Todd so affectionately christened us......Sue.X

 

[Mockingbird13]

The "Harpie " Sisterhood .hmmmm not too sure about that one. :tdown:
Right now I dont know where he is or what he is doing.... many of you have that have read some of my posts know that this has pretty much been a stable statement for me. He moved out a year ago - Yes I love him, Yes I support him, Yes I accept him the way he is, I never wanted perfection....Yes I have put up with bad behavior - but when do you realize that its just not healthy - he's never coming back - You've lost him for good ?

 

[amanda winter]

Step wrote:

Most of my friends and family just think I'm making another "bad" choice in men and they tell me that I should find someone else that is easier to be with. When I try to explain the PTSD or how he just doesn't handle stress well...they look at me like an emotionally battered woman covering up for her abuser (someone actaully told me that

I totally agree with this. We actually ended up moving back to his hometown because of all of the drama my family has started. My family just thinks he is being a jerk and they feel that i should just drop him. But they really don't understand that PTSD isn't something that can be fixed over night. And it is so difficult to make them understand that half the stuff he does, isn't really him but his PTSD. They dont comprehend the depth of his emotional numbness. And that is very hard because it is driving a wedge between me and my family.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey, I want to make a comment on this, its very interesting, but I am off to watch my boy's night match of Rugby League. If I don't get to it this evening, I will answer tomorrow.

Jimmy

 

[Fargo1]

Tankwife,

A hearty welcome to you! My recent experience has been that when the woman I love left me, it was almost the final straw. During my time in the Coast Guard I was the person who went into the dark, in the shitty weather, when the waves were bigger than houses and the wind howling, to find some lost soul and be there. Hold out my hand, look into their face and say "I am here to help you. Grab my hand, hold on tight, and come with me." It was never easy to get them out of it. My problem was that I could not see that I was a lost soul and that a hand was being held out for me.

Right now, your husband is a lost soul. You are the hand to help him. Keep trying to explain it to your family and friends. Keep on. None of us can do this alone.

I now believe that I can make it. So thank you for sticking in there for your guy.

Fargo

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Fargo,

You made me cry. Beautiful post. Thank you, thank you.

Red