Confused - Being Positive Vs Feeling Your Feelings

[Muttly]

I am constantly confused about how to balance positive thinking and feeling your feelings. It seems like maybe we are supposed to do both? At least, there's all sorts of messages out there about being positive and how much that can help get through stuff and how we should just focus on the negative. But the last few years, I've been learning through therapy about allowing myself to feel my feelings. I guess it's even more than that, it's also expressing my feelings. I'm not sure how all that works.

I am really good, at appearing to be Mr Positive to the outside world. I can find the positive and joke through the hard stuff and don't tend to complain about crap. Or if I do, it's a quick, cast off joke and then I move on. I think maybe that's why on a forum like here, all the negative stuff dumps out. Then I feel like I'm wallowing in my misery and not doing myself any good.

And now that I'm making this post, I know it has a potential to trigger me. When I was around 6? I saw a school counselor who was all about being positive. And he may have done some harm but I'm never willing to think about him. At the very least, seeing a counselor who's overall message seemed to be, ignore the bad stuff and focus on the good was not beneficial at all. I was being abused at home, bullied at school, and struggling with learning/visual disabilities and receiving very little real help

 

[Teasel]

I agree with you. Feeling our feelings is important. I can imagine you must have felt very invalidated by that counsellor indeed. I know I would have.

I'm sorry you had to go through that @Muttly :hug:

Positivity has its place sure but it's never going to be the whole story for me.

Recently listened to a radio show all about the benefits of being negative, made me laugh, really enjoyed it and it had some good points. Some things really are awful. And feeling negatively about those things is more suitable than trying to spin it in to a positive.

Good post, thanks for bringing this up.

 

[Muted]

I am constantly confused about how to balance positive thinking and feeling your feelings. It seems like...

Great question and thread @Muttly!

I can tend to spiral if I go into the negative thinking mode, but sometimes I just need to get it out. I know negativity can impact others and I try to not drag them down too. I think the biggest challenge is when I can really relate to their situation, it's makes it harder for me to focus on or even point out the positive. Sometimes I am just having a bad day and see everything more negatively...

 

[Muttly]

Thank you for the responses @Gia1019 and @Berlinda

So how do you find that balance? How do you know if your positivity is avoidance or healthy coping? How do you know when your expressing your feelings or just getting into that negativity spiral?

Positivity has its place sure but it's never going to be the whole story for me.

Recently listened to a radio show all about the benefits of being negative, made me laugh, really enjoyed it and it had some good points. Some things really are awful. And feeling negatively about those things is more suitable than trying to spin it in to a positive..

I wish I had caught that radio show

 

[ladee]

I despise people who try to minimize my pain by saying things like...you Just have to think positive.....or think happy thoughts or any such drivel when I can't see or feel anything but the pain I'm in at the time.
I need to feel my pain..talk about it..untangle it. THEN somehow the positive things show up anyway!
I love the way you handle your 'public self'. I do the same thing!
I am only going to share my pain with a very selecect few.
With people here. I need validation. Encourgement. Support.
And yes positive self talk has it's place.
"I'm not going to feel this forever".."Things change" ect.
Any time You are sharing pain here You will be heard.
Sorry you were not heard as a child. Don't think many of here were.
But we are heard here!
Hope this stops being an obstacle for you and you get to get on with healing!

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

@Muttly I do the same. I am Miss Positive to the outside world with a joking demeanor in uncomfortable situations. Even here, I write a post sometimes and work on my trauma diary when I can stomach it... Other than that, I suffer in silence. The ones around me don't seem to get it. I've tried expressing my feelings and being upfront about how I am feeling and I usually get the "poor thing" looks or the "move on" speeches so I kind of quit trying.

 

[ladee]

Its like tring to talk about high dollar real estate to a trombone salesman.
Most people we try to talk to have no frame of reference..so they say what they feel will pass as support.
I choose my listeners wisely. If they don't have that dazed and confused look in their eyes..I know they just won't get it.:O_o:

 

[bring em all in]

I too worry about embracing the "negative" and sometimes talk myself into trying to "fake it until you make it." I usually wind up feeling worse.

It's hard to strike a balance when all-or-nothing thinking is so characteristic of my condition. One of the things I love about this community is receiving support/validation for my feelings but also suggestions and encouragement for dealing with them in a positive manner.

 

[Muted]

Thank you for the responses @Gia1019 and @Berlinda

So how do you...

I guess I know I'm getting into that negative spiral when I can't see any positives in that situation and sometimes eventually in other things too. If I'm venting then once I get it out and analyze it to death then I'm fine.

I think if I were to use positivity as avoidance I would refuse to acknowledge the negative, completely avoid the negative and also by pushing others to view things from a positive perspective.

If I were to use positivity as healthy coping skill I would try and see the positive and point it out to encourage others, yet not ignoring or being blind to or not dealing with the negative. More or less seeing things and responding to things from a balanced viewpoint. Sometimes it's quick and sometimes I have to step back and process before coming to that balanced viewpoint. I think the more a person learns about themselves, the easier it is for them to recognize where they are personally as far as when they get off-balanced.

People need the freedom to feel their feelings, but sometimes it can be helpful to be accountable to others when they can see you go down that negative spiral. Then, if I'm just needing to get it out I can say so, but inside I can acknowledge that I need to guard myself from going down that negative road.

I love introspective questions:)

 

[Arebas]

I am always a positive person, often point out the positive side of things - even at people who absolutely hate me for doing that. I am also positive in a weird and uncomfortable manner sometimes. I'm that kind of person that when someone dies after a long disease thinks that must be a relief for the poor person and the family and kinda blurts it out even though I know it never helps anyone. But that's what I was always told to do: I was the happy one in the house. I was there to cheer everyone up and make everything better.
Negative thoughts and feelings I have to hide. Even from myself. So now I'm learning to look at them, see them and feel them.

The optimist in me thinks this is good. Cause seeing the negative is positive cause it helps me be better at understanding myself. So dwelling a bit in the negative, is a good thing for me. Except when it comes to dangerous behavior. I can feel everything, just have to remember to not act on it. But complaining and venting and cursing and crying and just feeling miserable? All positive things to do.

For me, at least.

 

[Eagle3]

Oh, boy...do I have a take on this one!

I was raised in a religion that demanded nothing but positive words, thoughts, and actions. If you didn't say, think, and do things that lined up with the Bible (G-d's Word), then you were never going to get anywhere in life and the fact that God won't move in your life is your fault for doing-saying-thinking the wrong way. There was no such thing as admitting when I was sick, or hurting, or sad. My mother would actually beat me for saying anything that wasn't based in Scripture. So anytime someone tells me to "just be positive!" I wanna smack the stupid right out of them. I was never allowed to be anything but a scripture-spouting mini-preacher and lay-counselor, even as a pre-teen!

Its only now in my mid-30's that I'm learning the necessity of not just feeling the negative emotions, but expressing them in healthy and productive ways. This is something that religion has no concept of, and I'm seeing the damage its caused to everyone who still swallows it hook-line-and sinker. Yes, there is a time to be positive, to encourage yourself and be supportive of you during difficult times. But part of the human experience is FEELING and EXPRESSING a wide range of emotions. It's unhealthy to stay with either side more than they other. Both parts are needed. Yes, finding balance between the two is difficult, especially when so much negative happens to us. That's just part of being human. Everyone has to find that balance.

Good luck!

 

[Teasel]

Thank you for the responses @Gia1019 and @Berlinda
I wish I had caught that radio show

Hmm, I wonder if you can listen to it - it was on BBC Radio 4
Here's the link to the show
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b084j8yq
Apparently you can get an app to listen to BBC Radio

Can I listen to radio abroad?
The BBC iPlayer Radio app is now available globally making it easier for audiences across the globe to enjoy BBC Radio. The BBC iPlayer Radio app is available to download from the Apple App Store, Google Play and Amazon Store. You can also listen to BBC radio outside the UK from a desktop computer at www.bbc.co.uk/radio.​

The Power of Negative Thinking
Oliver Burkeman, psychology writer and proud curmudgeon, explores the virtues of negativity and shows how it can be a surprisingly powerful route to joy, success and satisfaction.​

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